Lohan Sues eBay Over Faulty Ankle Bracelet

Predator Press


"Oh man, I just knew something was up Your Honor," explains Lohan.

Once sworn in, Lindsay Lohan dropped bombs: "This necklace is supposed to detect for cocaine, and it only worked for about two weeks," she sobbed. "And that guy had a 101.02% PowerSeller rating! We should all --in pursuit of justice-- collectively leave him some really mediocre 'Feedback'."

When asked for additional comment, Lohan would only reply by grinding her teeth, having animated conversations about how shiny her car was, and proclaiming any juror needing sleep a 'Communist Pussy'.

Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones and CEO of mammajammadrugtectingkewlaccessories105@yahoo.com, insists that MammaJamma technology has been 'totally bastardized by The Man'."

"These devices beam data about the wearer's drug use directly to my BlackBerry," claims Richards. "I just wanted to keep track of where the party was. This is the biggest exaggeration of a product line's intent since the sperm whale got a blowhole."

I'll Whore the Simpsons Movie for This Cool JPEG

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[LOBO]

Miss Crabapple would dig me.

You know it.

Blogger Summit Accomplishes Little

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[LOBO]

"Hey," I says. "Thanks for getting me out of jail."

"No problem," says Doc Mike. "Actually it was Lord Likely."

With a sharp crack, Botter delivers a series of searing blows about my legs with a riding crop. "If M'Lord ever hears of you besmirching blogdome by blogging on a dead rat again," he declares, "He'll have you basted with gravy, and leave you on an island of cannibals!"

"Yes sir," I says, wincing as my sweat burns into the wounds. "How's the food there?"

"Not bad," says Likely.

"Hey," says Domestic Minx. "Why aren't you crying like a sissy?"

"I temporarily fused my tear ducts closed with hot wires," I explain.

"Was that so other prisoners couldn't see you crying?" asks Doc.

"No. That was because a big hairy guy with a knife wanted to see what would happen."

"So you burned your tear ducts closed?" asks LadyTerri.

"Hey," I says. "I was just glad he wasn't some kind of weirdo."

"Good point," says Likely.

"I thought your were a 14th-level Master of Peking Duck," says Doc.

"I am," I says coolly.

"A 14th-level Peking Duck Master," explains Doc skeptically, "can hide under or behind anything, virtually instantly. Thai legend says it can only be learned in a vision during intense meditation."

"Intense meditation!" demands Minx, eyeing me closely.

"I overslept for breakfast and work the next day," I insist. “Fortunately I didn’t have eggs, sausage, pancakes, or a job. Everyone would have been totally fucked.”

"Peking Duck," says Michael-Anne incredulously. "You expect us to buy that--?"

"Where'd he go?" asks Minx.

"I'm right here," I says. "Up in this tree."

"So am I," says Babs. "And I studied The Duck under Ethan's 'lawyers' for two months."

"Babs!" I says. "When did you get out of jail? And did Ethan's lawyers give you that cool set of nunchuck chainsaws?"

"They would given me nukes. The EPA even cleared it. I just wanted the tactile pleasure of slowly dismembering you myself."

"And better JPEGs," volunteers Minx.

"Step back ladies," insists Likely to Terri, Minx, and Michael-Anne. "Don't get LOBO's blood on your dainty ankles."

"14th Level my ass," mutters Doc.

Former Country Music Star has $1000 for Bail

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While arresting boozy, brawling, drug-addled former country music stars is 'par for the course', having one in custody that can make her own bail defies all known modern history.

"I was totally floored," says Sheriff Jason Alden of the Lee County Sheriff's office. "I mean, rap stars yes. Rap artists share a special kind of camaraderie when it comes to incarceration, and often leave VISAs and 'bling' hidden in the cells so their rivals can be quickly freed and more easily shot at."

He showed us a manila folder.

It's obviously true.

"But Country music artists have a long history of getting raped by record companies," he continues, "and continuing on to boondoggle investment strategies involving precious rhinestones and impractical head and footwear. When I found out Mindy McCready had a Grand just laying around, I was completely mystified."

The fact that Mindy McReady had 'raised the bar' came with mixed reviews from the country artist community as a whole. "Just as soon as we get trucks, booze, beer, whiskey, boots, cheatin', divorce, IRS, taxes, John Deere, jobs 'an Jesus all rhymed up," says one fan, "she's gone and thowed in words like 'recognizance'. Ain't nothing gonna rhyme with recognizance. This is the worst thing to happen to the Marlboro Man image since Willie Nelson's hair."

When asked if "cowpunchers" really punched cows, he replied, "Only if they look me in the eye."

Britney Launches Malfunction-Proof Clothing Line

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Very popular in beach communities like Miami, the Boyant Chastity line of clothing has met nothing but rave reviews.

"Boyant Chastity clothes are very comfortable, modest and inconspicuous," says Maria Rodriguez Fernando Jesus Arigoto Vinnie Vito NASCAR Starbucks NASCAR Again Epstein Jones. "I always hated the unwanted attention I would get when I wore my thong to the grocery store or to church."

Snow: 3 of 5 Polyps Already Debriefed on Iraq

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You know, I thought this idea was so funny I would finish it later.

I'm still laughing too hard.

Research Team Doesn't Know Harry Potter Ending

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“I’m only on chapter 12,” complains Doctor Franz Swaret. “Reading the Book on an iPhone can be a real pain in the gluteus maximus, if you catch my drift.”

When questioned why they were out in the brutal cold and what they were researching, the electronics specialist rolled a "20", scoring a critical hit against a berzerker with his +4 Sword of Bloodlust, killing it instantly.

It was then we said 'screw this story'.

It's freaking cold up here.

Cheney to Run Country During Bush Surgery

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During President Bush's colonoscopy, Dick Cheney will search for Weapons of Mass Destruction and victory in the Middle East.

Predator Press Releases Fragrances

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[LOBO]

We know that when you think Predator Press, you think romance; that's why we came out with our spiff new line of fragrances.

Predator Press Perfume ($19.99) has all the amorous scent and flavor of grilled pork chops and stuffing with half the calories; Predator Press Musk ($5.99) hints of creamy brown gravy drenched mushrooms and buttered biscuits.

Exclusive: VALERIE PLAME IS A SPY

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Valerie Plame screwed up our perfectly good exclusive today by admitting she was a spy in Federal Court.

We've known for weeks that she was a spy; it's written all over the bathroom wall at the White House.

And today, just as we're about to stuff this heaping helping of Truth down your gullet, she just flat out blurts "Hi. I'm Valerie Plane, and I'm a spy", right into cameras and microphones that broadcast it all over the world.

Seriously!

So we figure it's not a total loss, right? Maybe we'll be there to get the footage of when she leaps up and kills all them guys with a teeny concealed machine gun in her watch, or hurls a laserbeam stiletto hairpin into some important guy's heart. Or maybe she just vaporizes them with a satellite death ray, and escapes in a sports car that turns into a submarine! Hell, now that would be a pretty kickass story too. And it seems, after all, the least she could do after we've gone through all this trouble, right?

So what happens?

Nothing.

Thanks a lot Valerie.

WTF?

Michael Vick Falsely Accused of Dogfighting

Predator Press

We here at Predator Press rarely take part in "Investigative Reporting"; investigations tend to be lengthy and boring, and the reporting doubly so.

Still, when we found out that NFL star Michael Vick was under fire for alleged dogfighting, we were really intrigued.

But a preliminary examination of Micheal Vick's lavish pad produced exactly zero airplanes. None. Zip.

Hear that CNN?

The fact is, Michael Vick doesn't possess a current pilot's license, nor has he ever. And aside from 2 rather incriminating Red Baron frozen pepperoni pizzas and a conspicuously inordinate amount of bottled water and lava lamps, we uncovered absolutely nothing during the search to support these slanderous allegations. How can a man with no plane or pilot's license possibly engage in mortal air-to-air combat?

Hm?