Ox Nuts and the Vile Prince of Zanzibar
Predator Press
[LOBO]
he Vile Prince of Zanzibar, a mirror in each hand, peered from every angle he could imagine.
"It makes me look small, doesn't it?"
"Did you want us to make you a small throne so you look larger?"
The Prince's eyes flashed. "Mind your tongue, or you may not keep it," he warned. "But this throne definitely makes me look tiny. I want everyone in Zanzibar familiar with the concept of geometry executed."
"Yeah. Sure," shrugged the advisor. "I'll get right on that. Meanwhile I do have some good news."
"I love good news!" cried the prince. "Is it a pony?"
"We have captured the scourge Ox Nuts!"
Just then the doors flew open, and horrible screeching sound filled the throne room. Ox Nuts twisted his impossibly wide shoulders to enter. Each wrist was chained to a separate ship anchor that dragged noisily as he walked.
"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed the prince.
"Indeed," the advisor nodded. "What shall we do with him?"
"Execute him. In fact, new rule: 'No more non-executed prisoners in the throne room.'"
Mortal men usually die within few hours, but Ox Nuts was tortured for forty days and forty nights. This caused many Union infractions, and was finally growing on the prince's last nerve.
"Why do we have to execute him in the throne room?" the prince demanded. "If I hear 'kootchy-kootchy-koo' one more time ..."
"I have an idea," said the advisor. The cloaked man in black seemed to flow eerily to the executioner's ear, and from his pocket he produced something the mere sight of which made the gasping Ox Nuts groan.
A feather.
"I am loosing my patience. Perhaps we have been too hospitable to out guest," soothed the advisor in a reptilian laced quip, waving the quill gracefully. "Remove his shoes."
-But Ox Nuts was ready. Once he was barefoot, he grabbed the executioner's neck in one foot, and ripped off the top of his skull with the other. Then he scooped out the executioner's brains in one mighty toenail, and jammed them into the advisor's eyes, blinding him.
"Eeyew!" cried the blinded advisor.
Surging with new-found strength, Ox Nuts rose to his bloody, brain-splattered feet. And dragging the anchors chained to his wrists, he took another step to the throne.
"Where's the girl?" he growled, his sepulchral voice could be felt in the marble floor.
"Do you think I a fool?" the Vile Prince laughed. "If you harm me, you will never find her!"
Another screeching step.
Ox Nuts' muscles bulged, and he lunged one anchor significantly further. The marble cracked all the way to the prince's flip flops.
"I'll bet she is in your iPhone" Ox Nuts glowered.
"Okay okay fine," said the Vile Prince, flipping through his contacts. "I was just kidding. Here. I will put her on speakerphone."
The phone rang.
"What now Larry?"
"Honey. It's the Vile Prince of Zanzibar. Remember what I said about when we were on speakerphone?"
"Whatever Larry."
"Honey, uh, there's someone in the throne room that wants to see you."
"Well I just painted my toenails. Plus I am shopping on QVC. I just bought a limited collection of porcelain dolphins that will look splendid in our QVC storage unit. And did you know Kim Kardahian had her baby? The sink is still dripping and all the murderholes are clogged with leaves. What ever happened to that television show 'The Facts of Life?' I really like Tutti ..."
"Gwendolyn," said Ox Nuts, straining another step. "It is I, Ox Nuts. I am here to rescue you from the Vile Prince of Zanzibar."
"Well I won't have time to shave my legs. But I can pluck my eyebrows right? I mean I will save time since I don't need to put panties on. Should I go with an elegant flowing princess gown with a tiara and maybe some tasteful bracelets? Or something like a hot tomboy tough girl, ready for adventure? I just BeDazzled a skull onto this really cute denim vest. But I don't know what kind of shoes to wear with it. I should just go with boots probably ... "
Another step.
Ox Nuts glowered. "If you touched her, I will make your suffering legendary."
"Ox Nuts I'm fine. He's my husband. He can't touch me. Larry made up the whole prince thing because he was trying to trap me in an affair."
"I will make your suffering legendary," the Vile Prince repeated, mockingly. "Meh. Where do you get your dialog? Rent-a-Center? You are about to kill your nemesis and rescue the girl. This is the best you can do? I mean there are dozens of people here to witness this history."
"Yes. Make in impression" Gwendolyn advised. "Say something authoritative and menacing like, 'My vagina hurts. The rest of you guys are going to have to settle for blow jobs.'"
[LOBO]
"It makes me look small, doesn't it?"
"Did you want us to make you a small throne so you look larger?"
The Prince's eyes flashed. "Mind your tongue, or you may not keep it," he warned. "But this throne definitely makes me look tiny. I want everyone in Zanzibar familiar with the concept of geometry executed."
"Yeah. Sure," shrugged the advisor. "I'll get right on that. Meanwhile I do have some good news."
"I love good news!" cried the prince. "Is it a pony?"
"We have captured the scourge Ox Nuts!"
Just then the doors flew open, and horrible screeching sound filled the throne room. Ox Nuts twisted his impossibly wide shoulders to enter. Each wrist was chained to a separate ship anchor that dragged noisily as he walked.
"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed the prince.
"Indeed," the advisor nodded. "What shall we do with him?"
"Execute him. In fact, new rule: 'No more non-executed prisoners in the throne room.'"
***
Mortal men usually die within few hours, but Ox Nuts was tortured for forty days and forty nights. This caused many Union infractions, and was finally growing on the prince's last nerve.
"Why do we have to execute him in the throne room?" the prince demanded. "If I hear 'kootchy-kootchy-koo' one more time ..."
"I have an idea," said the advisor. The cloaked man in black seemed to flow eerily to the executioner's ear, and from his pocket he produced something the mere sight of which made the gasping Ox Nuts groan.
A feather.
"I am loosing my patience. Perhaps we have been too hospitable to out guest," soothed the advisor in a reptilian laced quip, waving the quill gracefully. "Remove his shoes."
-But Ox Nuts was ready. Once he was barefoot, he grabbed the executioner's neck in one foot, and ripped off the top of his skull with the other. Then he scooped out the executioner's brains in one mighty toenail, and jammed them into the advisor's eyes, blinding him.
"Eeyew!" cried the blinded advisor.
Surging with new-found strength, Ox Nuts rose to his bloody, brain-splattered feet. And dragging the anchors chained to his wrists, he took another step to the throne.
"Where's the girl?" he growled, his sepulchral voice could be felt in the marble floor.
"Do you think I a fool?" the Vile Prince laughed. "If you harm me, you will never find her!"
Another screeching step.
Ox Nuts' muscles bulged, and he lunged one anchor significantly further. The marble cracked all the way to the prince's flip flops.
"I'll bet she is in your iPhone" Ox Nuts glowered.
"Okay okay fine," said the Vile Prince, flipping through his contacts. "I was just kidding. Here. I will put her on speakerphone."
The phone rang.
"What now Larry?"
"Honey. It's the Vile Prince of Zanzibar. Remember what I said about when we were on speakerphone?"
"Whatever Larry."
"Honey, uh, there's someone in the throne room that wants to see you."
"Well I just painted my toenails. Plus I am shopping on QVC. I just bought a limited collection of porcelain dolphins that will look splendid in our QVC storage unit. And did you know Kim Kardahian had her baby? The sink is still dripping and all the murderholes are clogged with leaves. What ever happened to that television show 'The Facts of Life?' I really like Tutti ..."
"Gwendolyn," said Ox Nuts, straining another step. "It is I, Ox Nuts. I am here to rescue you from the Vile Prince of Zanzibar."
"Well I won't have time to shave my legs. But I can pluck my eyebrows right? I mean I will save time since I don't need to put panties on. Should I go with an elegant flowing princess gown with a tiara and maybe some tasteful bracelets? Or something like a hot tomboy tough girl, ready for adventure? I just BeDazzled a skull onto this really cute denim vest. But I don't know what kind of shoes to wear with it. I should just go with boots probably ... "
Another step.
Ox Nuts glowered. "If you touched her, I will make your suffering legendary."
"Ox Nuts I'm fine. He's my husband. He can't touch me. Larry made up the whole prince thing because he was trying to trap me in an affair."
"I will make your suffering legendary," the Vile Prince repeated, mockingly. "Meh. Where do you get your dialog? Rent-a-Center? You are about to kill your nemesis and rescue the girl. This is the best you can do? I mean there are dozens of people here to witness this history."
"Yes. Make in impression" Gwendolyn advised. "Say something authoritative and menacing like, 'My vagina hurts. The rest of you guys are going to have to settle for blow jobs.'"
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