Big Oil Buys Detergent Company, Detonates Offshore Rigs

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“I’ll speak only on the condition of strict anonymity,” says ExxonMobil President Rex W. Tillerson, climbing off of a small pile of teenage prostitutes.

“Deal,” I says.

"’Big Oil’ is tired of taking everybody’s crap" he says, lighting a big Cuban cigar with a $10,000 bill. “Would you like a cigar?” He gestures to a small mirror piled high with mountains of a flaky, white powder. “Or would you like a line of, eh, special detergent perhaps?”

“No thanks,” I says. “I just washed my nostrils yesterday. But if I may speak candidly, I’m just interested in ‘Big Oil's’ position on suddenly becoming ‘Big Detergent.’ Millions and millions of Predator Press readers hinge on my journalistic integrity when world-changing stories like this break.”

“Know what they’ll be washing off all those birds with?”

“Ah. That’s why you blew up your own oil rigs.”

“Yeah,” Tillerson says smiling. “Tell all your readers Big Oil said ‘How do you like me now, assholes?'” With that, he kicked another puppy off the deck of his luxurious yacht.

"I hate those things, son."

"You're punting them into the ocean," I says. "I'm convinced."

"Well," Tillerson sulks, "I'm fresh out of ammo, and the skeet thrower has been jammed up since Kitten Day."

“But won’t there be backlash?" I says, trying to stay on subject. "You know, for creating an apocalyptic disaster 'an stuff?”

“Shit that’s the least of your problems” he says. Aiming for a cluster of yelping puppy heads -bobbing as they frantically paddled to keep up with the boat- he began peeing off the side.

“'Big Tobacco' is pretty fed up too.”