Did I Eat This?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

After five years, I finally got my RSS feed working.

I'm really impressed with myself.

-I called my dad.

"Hey Dad!" I says. "I got my RSS feed working!"

"What? Who is this?"

"Dad, it's me. LOBO."

"Who?"

"Very funny Dad," I says chuckling. "We missed you at the wedding."

"What wedding?"

"I married the fair Terri."

"Oh man, she's hot."

"I know!" I says.

"Who is this really?"

"LOBO," I says. "Remember? You were undefeated at finding the most Easter eggs. I was the short one wearing the blindfold."

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your dad was the one hiding the Easter eggs in the first place?"

"You would get frustrated after a few hours, and from then on only let us paint them white so they would be easier to spot," I muse. "I found one on my Big Wheel yesterday."

"Well I wouldn't eat it. Look. I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong-"

"You used to drill us at 3:30 every morning in case of a zombie uprising."

"Zombie uprising-?"

"Unless it was Wednesday or Sunday. That's when we practiced for alien robot overlords."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. Say, are you calling me from a cell phone?"

"How about when you burst out from under my bed, and banged a trash can while shining a flashlight into my eyes -the whole time zapping me with a cattle prod and screaming obscenities until I wet my pants?" Rhythmically, I gently kick the kitchen cabinet while absently twirling the curly phone cord in my fingers. "That's one of my fondest memories. 'The Power of Christ Compels You!' Haha. I'll bet you still tell that story."

[audible sigh]

"You realize that those same alien robot overlords would be able to intercept cellphone transmissions if they really existed?"

"Um-"

"And that once they secured a foothold on Terra Firma, they would play back all these messages searching for possible insurgents? They would send Ragnarok the Colossus!"

"Or Thrang, the Human Rototiller!"

"-If they existed, which I would never discuss over a cellphone."

"Remember how you disbelieved that new fertilizer gave you 'billions and billions of new grass blades' like it advertised, and I tried to count them for you? Cripes, I was only at 4,155,189 when the cops came."

"Yeah," says the disembodied voice. "But I was still proud of you."

"How is Rex?"

"Zombie."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We hadda put him down in 2005. He unmistakably had The Look."

"So Rex is gone? Who delivers your mail now?"

"I dunno. Some robot."

"How's mom?"

"Possible zombie."

"Mom?"

"You know her. It's hard to tell. She's never been the same after the abduction."

"Yeah. Good luck getting her near a trailer park."

"I keep tellin' her the best way to kill aliens is with a tornado. But then she just gives me The Look."

"How about Aunt Phyllis?"

"Robot zombie."

"No way!"

"She always was a social butterfly. It worked out really well for her ... she's, eh, a Class C."

"Stainless model?"

"Fusion powered. All chrome. She's really come a long way. And you should see how fast she can deal the cards at Euchre. Mom and her are still inseparable ... but if we have another incident at the petting zoo, I think they are going to call the cops."

"Poor Aunt Phyllis," I says. "It can't be easy to adjust to being a zombie and then pow, a Class C robot too -especially with all those eating disorders."

"Look. I gotta go. You take good care of that LadyTerri, okay?"

"I will dad."

"God she's hot."

"I know dad."

"You realize I have no idea who you are, right?"

"Oh, you old dog! I can see where I get my sense of humor."

"Well, congratulations on that RSS feed thingy anyways. And if you guys ever get down here to Capitol Hill, be sure and have Terri drop by my office."

"We will."

"And stay away from Hittites. Those people are nothing but trouble."

"I will. I love you, dad."

"Fag."