Science Is A Wonderful Thing

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[Mark]

Science is a wonderful thing. Science, for instance, aided me in waking up this morning. Of course, if you're not great at waking up and find the experience utterly repugnant and liable to leave you in a foul mood for at least the first half-hour of consciousness - a quick wave to my wife here who may be reading - then you may conclude that science in this particular case is decidedly not a wonderful thing. As an amateur scientist you are perfectly within your rights to come to that conclusion; the beauty of science is that it's great to be wrong. For you.

Science is a wonderful thing. Science, as I've mentioned, aided me in waking up this morning. Science made it possible for a production line of six-year-old Thais to put together the components of my digital alarm clock. Science was also involved in the biological processes that gently shifted my body out of its comatose state, through an interlude of dreaming the likes of which would blow your mind were I to divulge its thread of insanity, and thence to a state of near-alertness primed to ensure the alarm clock entered its so-called "Snooze" state as soon as humanly possible after blasting out and flashing into life.

Some people, it seems, are irritated by a pulsing, blue glow accompanied by the local radio station's attempt to promote a local double glazing manufacturer with an obviously-locally-produced advert through the medium of a happy jingle and unoriginal tagline at 200dB at 6:45 in the morning. A quick wave to my wife here who may still be reading.

Science is a wonderful thing. Science, as I've explained, aided me in waking up this morning. And, after waking, science then assisted in ensuring I was ready for the day by permitting my house's artificial intelligence computer network entity to manufacture a series of deadly pits, logic puzzles, and feats of strength between the bedroom and bathroom while I slept. Cleaning your teeth with a heart rate of 187 beats per minute while tending to an oxyacetylene burn on the thigh and contemplating the best way to dispose of a vicious - but now vanquished and rapidly rotting on the hallway carpet - chimeric nightmare formed in the cloning lab in the attic is how I like to prepare for whatever life can throw at me.

That's all thanks to science. And a lot of money. Obtained with the help of gun science and a look of fury that said "turn that effing thing off and let me go back to sleep and do something with your life before I strangle you" from a certain someone, early one morning, many years ago. A quick wave to my wife here who may be skimming down the page by now.

Science is a wonderful thing. Science, you're aware, aided me in waking up this morning. Thereafter, science came together in a show of force to ensure I was at peak mental and physical efficiency for a day of work. You won't be surprised to learn this: that's science work!

Today I engaged in scientific research. The size of a man's vehicle is inversely proportional to the size of a man's preferred tool of reproduction; we all know this to be fact. I and my team at the We'll Study Anything If There's A Grant Involved Foundation, however, also ascertained that there is a directly proportional relationship between the size of a man's vehicle and just how much of a dick he really is.

Science can now confirm that a man who drives a Fiat Punto is most-likely great all round and well-endowed, bus and truck drivers are total tossers with shrivelled appendages, and captains of oil tankers deserve every piratical act that happens upon them and never visit the toilet without a pair of tweezers for assistance.

Yes, science is a wonderful thing. Oh, and I used to drive a Fiat Punto. A quick wave - and a wink - to my wife here who may have skipped to the end.


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