Elvis, Bigfoot and Nessie Agree: UFOs Do Not Exist

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay, you got me. A more accurate title of this post woulda been “Predator Press Reviews: Bordello of Blood.” But who would want to read a review of a fourteen year-old movie I fell asleep twenty minutes into watching?

But since you're here, “Bordello of Blood” is a documentary about what was likely the worst whorehouse in history ... I mean just to get in you have to be launched via coffin through a crematorium. While I’m sure this technique goes a long way to befuddle the local law enforcement, massage parlors have been doing just fine on this behalf since the day of the caveman.

Still you end up really feeling sorry for those girls … due to poor management and numerous safety violations I don’t think any of them made a dime: one after another the 'johns' are killed -often by the prostitutes themselves- long before any cash or credit card information is exchanged.

Perhaps the only uplifting element is Corey Feldman’s most riveting acting since The Goonies as the swashbuckling rugged hero Caleb Verdoux, and this doubtlessly earned him numerous Oscars and Emmys. Having proven he had "range" and could carry a movie as a leading man, this catapulted him into larger subsequent roles such as when he played Haley Jo Osment in The Sixth Sense and his superlative portrayal of Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

But I’m not going to sugarcoat it: despite the stellar cast and watertight script, I was still woken numerous times during inordinately loud commercial breaks hawking Extenze sexual enhancement pills, various malt liquors, X-Box 360 games and Old Spice. This seemed to me a curiously optimistic, overly-broad, improbable, and often contradictory target market: how many employed, active, cheap, alcoholic video game players with disposable income that might actually cross paths with women can there possibly be?

-I'm calling that entire demographic of consumer into question.

Predator Press ultimately gives Bordello of Blood seventy-two “Thumbs Up” for the gifted and versatile talents of Corey Feldman, a bonus fifteen "Thumbs Up" for working the words 'Bordello' and 'Blood' right smack in the title, a minus thirty-two “Thumbs Down” for waking me up during a particularly vivid dream about flying (which is two negatives which you actually add ... I'm afraid of heights), and then a final minus nine "Thumbs Up" because some kind of bug kept landing on my television screen.

I mean can you even squash a bug on a flat screen?

-Wouldn’t, like, squished bug guts mix up the plasma or something?