Hollywood
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Cut, cut, cut!" I yell into the megaphone.
-LOBO: The Motion Picture has thus far been nothing but headache after headache.
"C'mon Jackie," I says, rubbing my temples. "The line is, 'You pullb my tond through my keythter!'"
"But why would I talk like that?" asks Jackie Chan.
I should've gone with Stallone.
Once again, I calmly explain. "You would have to talk like that if Lindsay Lohan pulled your tongue through your keyster!"
"Lindsay Lohan is in this movie?"
"Yes. Sort of. But due to various licensing liberties and an explicit lack of consent, we're to referring to her as 'Bindsay Bohan.'"
"Really," replies Jackie.
"Yeah. And she's being played by Chris Tucker."
"Well, what's my motivation?" smiles Jackie politely.
"Your 'motivation' is that Lind -I mean Bindsay- has sent her time traveling ninja bodyguards out to assassinate you, and you're disguised as a giant cicada. Jesus, do I have to explain everything? I mean you read the script presumably."
Frustrated, I walk back to my chair. Sitting heavily, I raise the megaphone to my lips.
This is what I get for flying out to Hollywood to make a documentary.
"Alright. Take two." I command. "Cue the robot dinosaur. Aaaaaaaand action!"
Jackie bounds up the six-story mechanical reptile, skewering stunt ninjas left and right. When he reaches the upper-left shoulder, he does a summersault flip and balances gracefully on the radiator of a car it was crushing in it's giant claws.
Howling in fury, the robot dinosaur unleashes it's full arsenal of laserbeams and missile batteries, and Jackie dances and twists impossibly to avoid them.
For a full thirty seconds, the sky is a thunderous inferno alive with fire, explosions and shrapnel. But soon the robot's howitzers cease their deadly hail of steel, and one by one the metallic clicketty clicketty clicketty of empty chambers replace the deafening storm.
-Jackie Chan had kicked all it's claws off.
The smoke slowly clears, revealing Jackie perched on the beast's nose.
It's eyes lock on him, and the pupils expand.
With a serene look, Jackie pounces into the air and severs the beast's head off with a single stroke of his lightsaber.
But even as the screaming monster's head slides off in a horrible shriek of grinding steel, Chris Tucker appears behind him on a hovercycle:
Bindsay Bohan: "You have fallen right into my trap LOBO!"
Jackie Chan: "Don't sing it Bohan. Bring it."
[blinding flash]
Jackie Chan: "You purred my tongs through my keystone!"
"Cut!" I scream, hurling my megaphone. "God dammit Jackie. If I was okay with plain English bein butchered, I woulda got Schwarzenegger!"
[LOBO]
"Cut, cut, cut!" I yell into the megaphone.-LOBO: The Motion Picture has thus far been nothing but headache after headache.
"C'mon Jackie," I says, rubbing my temples. "The line is, 'You pullb my tond through my keythter!'"
"But why would I talk like that?" asks Jackie Chan.
I should've gone with Stallone.
Once again, I calmly explain. "You would have to talk like that if Lindsay Lohan pulled your tongue through your keyster!"
"Lindsay Lohan is in this movie?"
"Yes. Sort of. But due to various licensing liberties and an explicit lack of consent, we're to referring to her as 'Bindsay Bohan.'"
"Really," replies Jackie.
"Yeah. And she's being played by Chris Tucker.""Well, what's my motivation?" smiles Jackie politely.
"Your 'motivation' is that Lind -I mean Bindsay- has sent her time traveling ninja bodyguards out to assassinate you, and you're disguised as a giant cicada. Jesus, do I have to explain everything? I mean you read the script presumably."
Frustrated, I walk back to my chair. Sitting heavily, I raise the megaphone to my lips.
This is what I get for flying out to Hollywood to make a documentary.
"Alright. Take two." I command. "Cue the robot dinosaur. Aaaaaaaand action!"
Jackie bounds up the six-story mechanical reptile, skewering stunt ninjas left and right. When he reaches the upper-left shoulder, he does a summersault flip and balances gracefully on the radiator of a car it was crushing in it's giant claws.Howling in fury, the robot dinosaur unleashes it's full arsenal of laserbeams and missile batteries, and Jackie dances and twists impossibly to avoid them.
For a full thirty seconds, the sky is a thunderous inferno alive with fire, explosions and shrapnel. But soon the robot's howitzers cease their deadly hail of steel, and one by one the metallic clicketty clicketty clicketty of empty chambers replace the deafening storm.
-Jackie Chan had kicked all it's claws off.
The smoke slowly clears, revealing Jackie perched on the beast's nose.It's eyes lock on him, and the pupils expand.
With a serene look, Jackie pounces into the air and severs the beast's head off with a single stroke of his lightsaber.
But even as the screaming monster's head slides off in a horrible shriek of grinding steel, Chris Tucker appears behind him on a hovercycle:
Bindsay Bohan: "You have fallen right into my trap LOBO!"
Jackie Chan: "Don't sing it Bohan. Bring it."
[blinding flash]
Jackie Chan: "You purred my tongs through my keystone!"
"Cut!" I scream, hurling my megaphone. "God dammit Jackie. If I was okay with plain English bein butchered, I woulda got Schwarzenegger!"
Comments
I like it....