Emergency Exit

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Doctor I. M. Nyarlathotep finally peers up from his clipboard. "From the symptoms you've described, I'm going to recommend a colonoscopy."

I reflect on this quietly for a moment. "Well that ain't gonna happen. I'm claustrophobic. You'll never get me on a submarine."

"That's a periscope. But the principal is similar. We pass a fiber optic camera through the anus to look for abnormalities."

"Did you wash your hands afterward?"

The doctor sighs. "We want to do that to you."

"Jesus Doc, what the hell kind of website do you run?"

"It's to figure out how to treat you."

"Huh," I says, casually bumping my paper booties against the hospital bed. "But I don't think I could eat a whole camera really. And is that even sanitary? I would have to have a brand new one. Can you make 'em taste like pork chops?"

"We go the other way."

"Chicken?"

The doctor stares.

I laugh suddenly. "You couldn't possibly mean-"

Doctor Nyarlathotep nods.

"Well let me think this over," I says. I feel myself going pale. "Okay I thought it over. No."

"People just like you go through this every day."

"Every day? I doubt that. How could they walk?" Gripping the edge of the bed to keep my ass firmly planted, my knucles are turning white. "Is there such a thing as a semicolonoscopy?"

"The acquisition of these images is very routine."

"Routine?" I says, thinking quickly. "For an earache?"

"You said you had stomach cramps and-"

"No I didn't. I distinctly said 'earache'. You must've misunderstood." Looking at my watch, I feign surprise. "Oh my god. Is it 10 o'clock already?" Jumping off of the bed, I seize my clothes hurriedly. "I've got to get to a ... thing."

"Look," says the doctor. "I can understand your apprehensions. But we can sedate you if necessary."

"Well, hoo-wee that makes for an attractive offer," I says.

-Now I'm really in a hurry.

After the pants, I put on my shoes without tying them. "Sorry about that whole 'keyster' mix-up ... honestly, mine could sharpen a pencil right now. And don't worry about me suing you for malpractice or anything. 'Earache' and 'stomach cramps' sound so much alike, I can see where that can happen. Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there."

Still buttoning my shirt with one hand, I open the door and back out waving. "Well Doc, thanks a lot. I can't shake your hand right now because of these crazy shirt buttons. Damn these buttons! They're crazy. But rest assured I would if I had the time."

Doctor Nyarlahotep points to a rumpled pile of clothing with his pen. "You forgot your socks."

"Those, uh, were there when I got here. Bye now!"