Stamps Are for Pansies: I Collect Debt

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Doctor I. M. Nyarlathotep will doubtlessly send me a bill for his unsuccessful attempt to get in my pants.

Corporations are really sneaky in this sense; pants on or pants off, either way you're screwed. That's why you always hear in sexual harassment cases the phrase, "was fired for rebuffing the boss' sexual advances."

"Advances," huh?

Hm.

Well good luck Doc. Get in line. I got so many bills, I don't even check the mail anymore. The postman just lobs my crap out of his jeep onto the huge pile in my front lawn, and once a year we hold a bonfire.

The reality is I collect huge and vacuous fabulous debt, and the more staggeringly titanic the better. Entire economies rise and fall based on my glorious and vast counter-acquisitions, the entire Nation depends on me to perpetuate them. I would go as far as to say that if I won the lottery, the United States would suddenly collapse as bill collectors nationwide were forced to lay off their staffs.

Who am I to send this fine and semi-talented workforce into poverty and squalor? As a deeply religious man, I rather admire that baseless and eternal optimism.

Just face it: my personal dedication to irresponsibility probably accounts for a full percent of employment in the country.

You all should be thanking me.

Especially you Student Loan deadbeats. Instead of even building a single colossal golden effigy of myself -or even sending a lousy Hallmark card for that matter- what thanks do I get for all the commerce I have provided?

Angry phone calls.

I majored in philosophy for Christ sakes ... the sensible thing would have been to write the whole damn thing off immediately. Have I ever embarrassed you at a used car dealership with your tragically flawed logic? No! Frankly I've been pretty classy about it.

And and bless my little black heart, I tried to get a job as a philosopher. I really did. I stopped shaving, and bitched about shit until the cops came. When MicroSoft asked me to submit a resume for the CEO of Future Technological Development position, I sent them a potted philodendron.

-To this day, MicroSoft has yet to develop a decent Philodendron scandens micans with USB inputs, and frankly I doubt they ever will.

These "jobs" as you call them are just flimsy pretexts for work. There. I said it. The first hurdle is actually going there, and it's all an uphill battle after that: even after the whole "showing up" debacle, people then expect you to stay there and do stuff for them all the time.

Then with whatever you’ve earned, you gotta pay the bills for the stuff that generally revolves around working, like clothes and reliable transportation.

Can you believe this circular logic?

Well I have news for you America: you ain't fooling nobody.

... But can I borrow $10?