Sunday

Violated

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m dreaming.

Rush Limbaugh is playing golf, and I’m hiding behind a nearby tree --surrounded by water balloons.

I must be careful which balloon I select; this is the opportunity of a lifetime. It must be full enough to make a good splash at this distance, but not so firm as it would burst during the hurl …


“Mr. Curr!” exclaims Nurse Garrison.

Waking slowly, I realize I am holding her breasts.

Mortified, I smacked her.

Frostbyte

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

“If it wasn’t Ethan’s request,” Captain Reinhardt yelled over the deafening semi-steady throb of the helicopter, “I would never fly in these circumstances”.

Diminutive, Cobe sat bundled up in his huge arctic gear looking more like a kid on the school bus. He said nothing due mostly to nausea; at this point, even exhaling might bring an uncontrollable fit of vomiting all over the cockpit.

He tried closing his eyes for a bit, but that didn’t help. "Motion sickness," LOBO once explained while Cobe barfed over the side of Ethan’s yacht, "has something to do with losing track of the horizon. The magnets in your head get all scrambled up or something."

Cobe forced his eyes open, and stared into a plain white sky. It was snowing so hard, you couldn’t see the edge of the rotors.

“So what,” laughed Reinhardt, trying to lighten the mood. “You tell Ethan you wanted to get away for a while or something?” The pitch of the engine changed as he fought the buffeting winds with the stick. “I just hope this little gizmo doesn’t start freezing up like it did last time.”

Something dark loomed into Cobe’s vision.

Cobe pointed.

Reinhardt looked up from the stick, and saw it too.

A mountain.

“Whoa!” laughed Reinhardt, throwing the tiny chopper into a gut-wrenching starboard dive. “That could’ve gone badly.” Arching within meters around the cliff face, he exhales in relief. “It’s right here somewhere,” he says. He presses a button on his helmet, and Cobe can hear him over the radio. ”Chuck, this is Jerry, do you copy?”

Static.

“See anything?”

White.

Wait.

Cobe points to two faint glowing rods, swinging like pendulums in the distance.

There he is,” says Reinhardt, shrugging. “Communications must be out again.”

Saturday

Paper Machete

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

I didn’t want to watch Saddam Hussein die.

Which is not to say I don’t think he deserved to die; I just didn’t really want to see it replayed over and over on my television.

If this makes me a hypocrite and a coward, I’m okay with that. I plead guilty.

Hell, Bush slept through it.

This blog doesn’t really deal with topical matters, history, cultural issues, personal problems, et cetera. It’s a comic strip of sorts; a cartoon generally wrapped around tragically flawed people behaving badly, superimposed upon events in normal everyday life. And rather than endorse such behavior, I would like to think it handles the Karmic payback in a rather elegant --and occasionally funny-- manner.

The overall dynamics aren’t really that different than your garden-variety sitcom: Ethan, the fatherly figure. Cobe --the guy that everyone vehemently hates despite the fact that he makes everything “tick”-- is a mom of sorts. LOBO represents the 5-year old “id” that lies in every man, and I guess that leaves me, the cruel older stepsister that is always trying to make the pest stick a fork in the light socket.

Everything is fairly formulaic as such. Aside from this poorly-lit, flimsy paper mache diorama –and horse fucking, or advice on how to safely apply Rain-X to your webcam-- there isn’t anything really unique about it at all; people have been writing like this for thousands of years. All the relationships run in triangles. Character “a” has a relationship with character “b”, but character “c”….

Despite this deceptive simplicity, on occasion you get the easy part; sometimes I hit the “Publish” button to send out a post about a twisted galactic odyssey of hedonistic horseshit so someone can maybe get a laugh or two, only to face a real world which is infinitely more complex, non-sensical, and sadistically ruthless.

Maybe, in some weird way, it does have a certain dignity.

It’s safer in here.

We have a sense of humor.

Win, Place, Blow

Predator Press

[Cobe]

It turns out the story of the “real” Mister Insanity reads like a Shakespearian tragedy.

Born to a small rural community in Kentucky, Mister Insanity –or “Knickers” as he was known then—had a rather unspectacular childhood. He wasn’t particularly good in school, probably due to the long hours on the farm.

But could he ever run.

It didn’t take long for friends and colleagues to take notice of his blossoming talent; despite mediocre grades and poor attendance, Knickers was granted a scholarship to Notre Dame.

It was there that Knickers would earn his now-famous moniker “Mister Insanity”, due mostly to his adolescent fondness for campus streaking, avocado dip, and Fuzzy Navels. But now a star on the rise, the inertia of his career was superceding even the lightest of disciplines; endorsement deals soon followed, clouding his adolescent judgment ... among the most notably controversial of which, the 2.2 million dollar “Crazy Glue” commercials.

After graduating with honors, Mister Insanity married track star Gertrude Stewart, his high school sweetheart. Gertrude was an athletic, pretty, and reclusive girl from Louisville that was anxious to start a family. Friends would often comment that these were the happiest days of her life, and she was rarely seen without an effusive, sloppy grin on her face.

But despite the outward appearances, all was not well for our beloved Knickers; the road and stardom were taking their toll. Soon he was going to parties with the likes of Paris Hilton and Winona Ryder, and snorting heroic amounts of cocaine both on and off the field. At the recommendation of his coach, Knickers was ushered secretly away to the Betty Ford clinic, where the long and arduous recovery process had begun. There, Knickers spent months shuffling around in pajamas, shooting pool and playing pinball between therapy sessions.

Hard work paying off, all appeared to finally working out for Knickers, and a year later he was back in the gymnasium preparing for a comeback. It was then that misfortune struck yet once again: during the course of a routine physical, it was discovered that so much damage was done to his knees over the course of his young career he would never run professionally again. Only deepening his situation, multiple knee surgeries in the vain hope of restoring his damaged tissue left him virtually hobbled; vulnerable to medical con-artists and quack science, he soon invested his image and entire life savings on a product called Knee-Grow Medical Ointment that was ill-received by the public in general.

Always the fighter, he made efforts to reinvent himself … but he was wholly unprepared emotionally for the disappointment of flunking out of astronaut training school; Knickers entered another downward spiral. His hygiene suffered, and his diet consisted solely of fistfuls of sugar cubes for weeks on end. This triggered diabetic seizures, and simultaneous rampant gonorrhea. Two days later, an alert cop, suspicious of the Fuzzy Navel smell on the car interior, gave Knickers his first DUI.

While never directly implicated in the Sweet'N Low shootings, Knickers had dropped from the public eye completely; little is known up until his recent indictment for Tax Fraud and Money Laundering. Always a fan of art, he now sits in Federal Prison, riddled with hepatitis and syphilis, tattooing his fellow inmates while awaiting his inevitable execution.

Gertrude since left him for a successful and svelte young greyhound racer, and they now live in Twenty-Nine Palms, California.

Understandably, she doesn’t have that big, sloppy grin anymore.

But she’s comfortable.

Friday

BREAKING MORE NEWS

Predator Press


BI-POLAR RACEHORSE INDICTED FOR
TAX EVASION, MONEY LAUNDERING



Hah! Let’s see your hoity-toity 'Wall Street Journal' top that.

Complicating Matters

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Contrary to popular belief, faking paralysis for sponge baths is fraught with peril.

They stop giving you anesthetics for one. And before long they are doing agonizing and cruel, inhumane things to your supposedly sensory-free flesh.

You wouldn’t believe how much starch they put in these sheets.

Body Up

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

Ethan, in an ill-fitting Letterman jacket, waved the VT pennant I gave him with little animation or interest.

“Is this so you can work on that new line of children’s books you’ve been talking about?” he asks.

“No,” I says, cleaning off my desk. There really isn’t all that much to pack ... I was hoping if I was quick enough, I could avoid this exact confrontation.

“But why Canada?” he moped.

“We’re having accreditation issues locally,” I reply.

“You couldn’t have picked a worse time,” Ethan complained. “With LOBO missing, I might even have to call Cobe back.”

“You should really rethink that sir,” I says, choosing my words carefully. “I mean face it, when the going got tough, the ‘tough’ were long gone.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I think you should pick your companions more carefully,” I shrug.

“Yeah, well … I hired you, and you’re going too.”

“Yes, but Ethan, I’m tired,” I says. “Give me some credit. For months, my life has been doing nothing but revolve around this--“ I look around the barren office, and I’m unable to capture anything tangible. I give up and shrug, “I just can’t be the only grown-up anymore.”

“Don't do this," sighs Ethan. "Not now. We just lost Gerald Ford --and soon Saddam Hussein-- two of our most influential and ardent fans. Mr. Insanity, this one of our darkest days.”

Sliding the heavy banker box off of the desk, I pause. “Seth,” I says.

“What?”

“My name is Seth.”

“How have you been cashing your paychecks?”

“I opened a checking account for the horse.”

Thursday

The Ballad of Mr Insanity

Predator Press

[Cobe]

Last April, a thirsty Ethan and LOBO pulled into an Off Track Betting facility.

“So what are we gonna do with Captain Burlap in the trunk?” LOBO says, unfolding his menu.

“Ask him about the odds on the 5th race.”

“Look, he’s not a calculatron,” says LOBO. “He’s a guy that was hanging out in front of a drug store near Oxford University with a broken shoelace.”

“Which obviously makes him a 187 pound mathematical savant.”

“I’m not arguing about his mathematic prowess,” LOBO repeats. “I’m just saying he’s been in our trunk for 16 hours. He’s probably hungry.”

“So get him some French fries.”

“I’m not buying fries for someone that has been trapped in my trunk for 16 hours.”

“Just look at that horse,” says a distracted Ethan, pointing at one of 452 closely-joined monitors. In the bottom right corner, ESPN identified a singular steed as “Mister Insanity” that was smashing the crap out of everything in sight.

Within moments, that horse drove off the gate, kicked the head off his own jockey, crushed the race’s announcer in the skybox, and finally screeched to a halt across the finish line.

Then the race started.

LOBO lost $100.

Yeah, Thanks For That Whole "Gravity" Thing

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Thanks to Isaac Newtron inventing gravity, my daring plan to escape the hospital by jumping out of the eleventh story window hurt like hell. Next thing I know, I hear an ambulance engine start, the sirens go off, the thing drives sixteen feet and then screeches to a halt next to me.

And then a bunch of assholes drag me right back into the hospital.

This is going to be tougher than I thought.

Fuck you, Isaac Newtron.

Wednesday

The Cathouse Mouse

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m really disappointed in the lack of public outcry on this blog as of late; according to ‘Spellcheck’, that last post brazenly said “breast” at least twice.

I, a devout religious follower, am deeply offended for some reason.

I would’ve at least sent an angry email to us assholes were I not forgotten in the ICU due to Santa’s treachery, blinking my post in Morse code (like mom taught me) to a registered nurse.

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Tuesday

It Could Happen

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

I brought Bertha.

There wasn’t really anything "special" behind this decision; she was just another stripper-slash-college student that seems to come standard issue with a Platinum card.

Still, she was magnetically attractive, unpredictably sweet, and my current favorite.

She liked to show off her legs, and the dress she wore did not disappoint; the slit in the side stopped just under her muscular hips. I must say, she was the showstopping eye-candy of the entire night. Further, Bertha seemed to require less drinking to tolerate listening to -for a stripper-slash-college student her age.

And I wasn’t the only one that noticed.

Phoebe -sitting with us by virtue of a seating fluke- and I slam Wild Turkey for hours, while the charming Bertha nursed whiskey sours.

I like how they taste on her breath.

I slow down a little when it dawns on me how well Phoebe and Bertha are getting along. Lingering stares, affectionate giggles ... I’m almost surprised when they don’t go together when Bertha excuses herself for the bathroom.

But Phoebe was clocking me.

“Wow, Mr I,” says Phoebe, with a strange, electrically charged look on her face. “I’m really impressed!”

“We’re not,” I smile, “competing over the same girl, are we?”

Phoebe pauses, calculating. “Of course not,” she says. “But she’s fucking hot.”


***


“Look,” I says abruptly, shutting the door to my office. I grab the entire bottle of bourbon from the bar. “It’s very hot watching you two flirt. But our colleagues are at this party.” I focus on Phoebe, “That whole dance floor scene—“

Tat

Predator Press

[Cobe]

If a man’s character can be judged by inexplicable acts of compassion, Ethan is indeed a great man.

To say my house burned down is somewhat understated; where my house was is now a smoldering crater extending four city blocks. A city bus lies in the charred concrete hole that was my basement.

Rather than going to work on Christmas, I rescued all 41 of the passengers.

This, understandably, resulted in my prompt termination.

It’s bad enough being homeless, jobless, and starving during the holidays … but I’ve spent the last six months neglecting friends and family too. That was inexcusable. Still, they were all very gracious, sending burlap bags and only slightly-soiled sheets so I can make myself warm clothing.

As I boiled my ornately-wrapped Christmas bonus from Predator Press --collapsible cardboard banker boxes-- for dinner, Ethan had an apparent "change of heart". He says I can still work here, but I will have to accept a pay cut and transfer to one of the arctic listening posts monitoring our battered planetary defenses.

Mmmm … battered defenses.

Catlike Reflexes

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay, I’ve escaped the hospital to give you the football picks.

Plus, if I don’t show up for work between now and the 31st, my insurance will run out. I don’t know if you’ve ever been thrown into a dumpster full of biological waste and used hypodermics before, but let me tell you: it’s not pleasant.

The Bears are playing the Packers tonight, and I’m leaning toward the Packers.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not rooting for the Packers. But Brett is a retiring and jazzed veteran seasoned on playing against the Bears; he’s gonna rip into any sloppy playing he sees.

Maybe my Morse code is a little rusty though. I thought I had blinked all this fairly rationaly up on the eleventh floor, but Nurse Garrison seemed to feel like I was rooting for the Soviets. I heard that rubber glove snap, and reflexively leapt out the nearest window.

I hope this doesn't bust my laptop.

Sunday

Flea Flicker

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

LOBO is strangely absent on this fine day.

For a guy who is virtually unemployed, sleeps till 10 in the morning, et cetera, he sure doesn't have very much time for anything it seems; under Ethan’s instruction, I went to his house … but he didn't answer the door. On his doorknob was a "Sorry We Missed You" note from a plumbing company, and tiny handwritten scrawl at the bottom said something angry about a quarter.

His absence is doubly odd and distressing in that this is the day Predator Press debuts our new game “Killball” on a variety of obscure cable channels. Of the three of us as I recall, LOBO was the most excited; this marked his first time on television he didn't have to eat bugs or marry a millionaire.

Nonetheless, without our tie-breaking official, we continued flying the "missing man" formation. Assembled below us, suited up and ready to play, are all the members of the National Killball League: Max, Brighta and Vetter.

Currently, it’s a very small league.

“Now how do we play again?” Max yells up to Ethan.

“C’mon guys,” yells Ethan. Exasperated, he lowers his rifle. “It couldn’t be simpler! All you have to do is get across the mined playing field by leaping or swinging across all eight of the flaming, acid-filled pits of starving robot alligators in order to intercept the 'Skimmer'. The job of the defense is to keep the Skimmer,” Ethan points at a nervous-looking Vetter who is strapped into a giant slingshot-like device, “from breaking the plane of the End Zone, also referred to as that brick wall over there. If he breaks that plane, that will incur a penalty against the other team.”

“How do we score?”

“Score?”

Suddenly, Ethan’s cell rings.

“Really?” he says into the phone. “On Christmas? Wow that’s terrible. Okay.” He hangs up, and tugs my sleeve.

“Cobe called off. Says his house burned down.”

“Called off?” I says. “Wow. He is so fired.”

Ethan blows the whistle. "Play ball!" he yells.

"What ball?" yells Brighta.

I watch Ethan rub his temples. "Well, don't worry about Cobe, sir. What kind of an asshole works on Christmas anyway?"

To the Wolves

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay, I’ll admit, rigging Cobe’s place wore me out. I was snoring so loudly, I never even heard the fat fuck sneak in.

Through the front door.

Atlas, I'm thinking, the best laid mice of men and plans.

“Hi Santa,” I says, rubbing my eyes. “Want a cookie?”

Santa eyes me, stroking his beard. “I was very surprised to have to come to you this year,” he says. “You did one lousy good deed.”

“Was it showing Mr. Insanity how to hide his porn bookmarks at work?”

“No, it was what you did for Sapphire,” says Santa. “It took real character to recognize that you were no good for her.”

“Do I get extra for showing Mr. Insanity how to hide his—?“

“Look, just shut up before I change my mind. While Ethan, Mr. Insanity, and Phoebe were all supposedly in Hollywood negotiating the sequel to the Ox Nuts trilogy, they were really working closely with RDO in order to develop your Christmas present.”

“So what did you get me?”

“God you’re an asshole,” Santa sighs. “I’m here to present you with Sapphire v3.0. This one is fusion powered, thus not requiring battery changes. And she’s twice as durable and deadly than the original.”

“Is she hot?”

“See for yourself,” chuckles Santa merrily. “She should be arriving on the roof any second.”

Missile Tow

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It’s a good bet that Santa will once again be skipping over my humble abode, despite my absolutely angelic behavior. So this year, I’ve decided to pounce the fuck from Cobe’s place.

Cobe will be at work anyways.

‘Ol Saint Nick' will never see this coming. Cobe’s place is already an incredible array of flashing electric Christmas crap, making it a buzzing sensory overload; it’s the perfect place for an ambush.

The roof is peppered with a deadly array of mines, spotlights, surface-to-air missiles, grenade launchers, motion detectors, you name it. And as a personal touch, I even put a remote laser in the nose of one of Cobe’s stuffed reindeer ... you know, the one with the nose already conveniently deformed?

Cobe’s place is a fortress bristling with more firepower than Faluja and Los Angeles combined.

And should the fat man somehow survive the roof, the inside is twice as lethal: The chimney is lined with poisoned spikes, the stockings are trapped, the cookies and milk are a specialized, exotic set of chemicals that will detonate when combined. And a small assortment of Hawley Enterprises' armored cars –cleverly disguised as “Meals on Wheels” vans-- are parked around back, to aid in carrying off all that Christmas loot.

You know, I had almost forgot what a joyous occasion the Holidays can be.

Friday

A Slicing Device

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, one good thing about this little publication is it’s conspicuous avoidance of anything seriously 'Christmassy' altogether. To say “it’s been hard to get in The Spirit this year” is perhaps the most monumental understatement I’ve ever heard.

It won’t end on the 25th, either; after Christmas is over, I’ll once again be standing behind big crowded lines of you people returning the stuff you've already inconvenienced me buying. And you're twice as cranky this time because your futile and unrealistic New Years Resolution to quit smoking, lose weight, ad nauseam --has made you all complete homicidal maniacs.

Still, some form of formal acknowledgement of the season seems in order. Christmas is, after all, the one time of the year when all nations and religions cast aside their differences to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Isn't it enough to just say “Merry Christmas”?

[*sigh*]


***


So at like 3:00 am this ghost comes bustin into my bedroom.

“LOOOBOOO!" he says. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Future! Boo!”

“Who?”

“The Ghoooost of Christmas Fuuuture …”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Because I’m a ghost, you dumbass. You know, like in that book by Charles Dickens?”

Hah! He said ‘dickens’.

“It’s 3am you jerk,” I says.

“Yeah, I know,” he says. “I wanted to catch up with you earlier, but I’m way behind schedule.”

“What happened to those other two dead guys, ‘Christmas Past’ and ‘Christmas Plus’ or whatever?”

“They got downsized in July.”

“Well, they were probably pretty lazy then.”

“I’m here to show you what future Christmases hold unless you change your ways.”

“Now? Look, I need at least eight hours of sleep a night. And maybe four or five during the day--”

“Let’s go,” he persists. “I’m on a tight schedule, as I have mentioned. By the way, where do you find footie pajamas in your size?”


***


“Where are we?” I ask.

“We’re at your place a year from now.”

“My god it’s huge!”

The ghost flips through some papers on his clipboard, puzzled. “This is definitely the right address. Maybe you rent an apartment or sleep in the alley.“

“Wow!” I says, noticing an opulent marble statue of myself in the fountain peeing randomly all over an icing courtyard. “That’s really cool.”

Over the massive, solid oak doors, ‘CASA DE LOBO’ is inscribed.

The ghost scratches his head, “Well this is unexpected. I guess we should go in.”

“What, are you crazy? Knowing me, this place is crawling with giant motion-detecting robot guard dogs with machine guns!”

“We’re invisible. Nobody can see us.”

“Cool,” I concede glumly.

Mental Note: Give robot watchdogs invisibility detectors.

And rabies.


“Oh!" says the spook decidedly, lowering the clipboard, relieved. "We’re not going inside anyway. We have to go around to the back. To the shipping docks.”

“But we're invisible! How about we just find a really hot chick, and follow her around until she takes a shower?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You know, for a guy who is already dead, you’re pretty inhibited.”

“Maybe.”


***


It’s a little known fact that trucks, in extreme cold, are vulnerable to brake line freezing.

Which means they can’t move.

I can see the back-and-forth skid marks the Hawley Enterprises truck left as it tried to break them free. There are footprints in the snow going from the driver’s side door --which is oddly ajar, with snow piling into the cab.

We follow the footprints, and they lead to the truck’s rear tandems. There is on object sticking out of the snow, and I bend to pick it up. It’s a largish rubber mallet, sometimes used to pound frozen brakes directly in an effort to get them to release the tires.

And that’s when I spot the immobile, pale blue figure.

It’s Cobe.

“Is he--?” I ask the specter.

“Dead? My yes," he replies, matter-of-factly. "On Christmas day, you and Ethan made him deliver your new hot tub to the penthouse. The truck froze up, and he died trying to get it moving again.”

“A hot tub, eh?”

“Yes.”

“Did he get it delivered?”

“Yes. And he installed it.”

I shake my head, “Well, I’ve got to tell you. I’m not seeing a downside here.”

“You’re an asshole,” says the ghost.

I’m an asshole?” I says. “You’re the one wrecking up my sleep with all this ‘goodwill’ and 'peace on Earth' crap.”

“You didn’t buy a single Christmas present this year.”

“So?”

“So where’s your Christmas Spirit? What’s with you?” He hesitates for a second. “Is it Sapphire?”

I don’t say anything.

“But LOBO,” he says. “Sapphire is happy now.”

“I know!” I says. “Can you believe that bitch?”

“Why didn’t you go to her when you had the chance?”

“Because I figured Edward wasn’t likely to smash into her with spaceships and drop IHOPs on her! Don’t go lording your store-bought presents and crap over me," I brush back a tear. "What I did was hard.”

The ghost, stunned, sits quietly for a moment. “I know,” he says finally, putting his arm over my slumped shoulders.

“Hey watch it!” I recoil. “Don’t go getting zombie death juice all over my cool pajamas—“

Thursday

Explain Again To Me

Predator Press

[ETHAN]

--lobo spent 3.6 billion dollars on a what?

Right You Are, Ken ...

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Planning for the complete destruction of time, matter and space during the holiday season seems like it might be in poor taste. Can’t you tactless people do this “Christmas” thing some other time?

Oh, and Cobe --what kind of crap was that!? ‘Ox Nuts’ gets nominated for an Oscar in the ‘Best Choreography in a Musical’ category, and suddenly everyone on Predator Press is Sylvia Platt?

Well, I find it offensive. Cobe, you sicken me with your squishy “emotions” or whatever; if Ethan wasn’t concerned about his PR during this DVD release, I’ll bet he would have you filleted! You just blew your chance to be Ground Control for the Predator Press Rescue Space Station.

... Which is coming along splendidly, I might add.

The cup holders came in today.

Fuel

Predator Press

[COBE]

The riders chose to separate;
one for love, the other hate.
Wrested from the tranquil morn,
the two will part in mortal scorn.

The lover lived to be adored,
the latter galloped off to war
--to cut down mountains, boil the seas
and purge the earth of memory.

Wednesday

Here To Stay

Predator Press

[LOBO]

This has been one hell of a tumultuous revolution around the sun.

And yet, in some ways, it gave us a lot of room to adapt and flourish. What choice do we have but to embrace change?

Nothing is permanent except change itself.

This is not new. This is not “special”. There is nothing unique or noble about this at all; strife and flux are the 'Natural Order'. In ten billion years, who will be there lamenting the great and epic 'tragedy' that was endured in our self-indulgent, painfully unremarkable individual lives?

We will.

We have commissioned the construction of the Predator Press Rescue Space Station.

It is a scientific vessel --housing numerous really smart bikini models-- that will orbit the black hole occupying the space where our galaxy was.

And as massive supernovae wipe out every trace of matter in the universe and collapse into a dense singularity only to erupt once again into the splendor of time and space, that gigantic Helvetica Predator Press logo will endeavor boldly onward, armed only with round-the-clock tanning beds and Pena Coladas.

We will all miss you, of course ...

Blog Early, Blog Naked

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People will stop coming to your cubicle altogether.

Tuesday

The Day the Chick Manget Died

Predator Press

[LOBO]

She was a great car. And that 1990 Plymouth Horizon with Corinthian leather interior and a Porsche 911 engine probably had better owners.

But she leaked oil.

It’s hard to be a great car leaking oil when Jessica Simpson leaps on your hood and Jennifer Lopez clings to your roof and you have twenty-six cinderblocks in your hatch.

Anna Kournikova was so stubborn, I hadda threaten her Predator Press subscription …

Hard-Core Troubadour

Predator Press

[LOBO]

What really sucks is the inability to sleep. I’m fried on weeks of short spurts of light dozing, punctuated rudely by fits of coughing. I don’t even have the concentration to watch TV or play video games.

And under this thick glaze of disease --and almost certain pending death, I'm sure-- I guess I’m bored. Hell, the house is clean, the laundry is done ... thus I don’t really have the option of trying to divert my attention on any household tasks, were I to muster any strength. Honestly, the only thing the got me out of bed at all was the opportunity to spread lethal germs all over Mr. Insanity’s PC; everyone else is gone, currently embroiled in the pre-production of 'Ox Nuts: The Motion Picture'.

Casting begins today.

I wanted to play 'Ox' myself, but it turns out I'm slightly, eh, "underqualified".

Slightly.

They Can't All Be Gems

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Sorry gang ... home sick today.

Death is at my bedside, slicing onions and carrots into a big pot ... awful nice of the guy to go out of his way and cook and all ...

I can't do this "doctor" crap again ... I hate being sick only slightly more than I hate being well.

[*pout*]

Phoebe, will you please come over and say nice things again?

God is mad at me.

Fear of Flying

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m dreaming.

I’m standing in and endless snowy field.

Santa and his full compliment of reindeer slide to a deliberate, graceful halt beside me, and Santa dismounts his sleigh. He's smiling.

I never see the uppercut coming.

Or the jab. Or the next uppercut ...

Tossing me up on his big bag of toys, he commands the reindeer to take to the sky once more.


***


“Ho ho ho,” he cries. “Come now LOBO, let me show you the True Meaning of Christmas!”

Waking slowly I sit up, and a thin blood icicle snaps off my nose.

Ahead, I can see powerful beasts galloping mightily to pull us into the sky, their breath streaming behind them as they arc across the full moon. Peering down over Santa’s shoulder through my swelling eyes, I can see the tiny sparkling lights of Gary, Indiana beneath us. Overwhelmed by the sensation of flight, I stretch out my arms.

And that’s when I strangle that fat fuck …

Monday

Swag

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Here we go again.

Every year, the Predator Press mailroom is ground to a standstill by the brutal onslaught of X-mas presents from you people.

Well, it’s pissing me off.

I’ve already got tons of Cheetos, stuffed cats, cashiers checks, Pacific islands, and loan applications. --And frankly, the Prozac isn’t funny anymore.

Plus, you’re making me feel guilty that we didn’t get you anything. Have you any idea how far behind you are collectively on Predator Press subscriptions, fees and dues? Goddamn it, Ethan is so broke he’s eating fish eggs! (Ethan seems pretty cool with this and all, but Phil hates that crap.)

And this year marked the final, final death of my beloved Chick Magnet.

I’m already upset, and here you go screwing up our mailroom again.

Well thanks a lot. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Why don't you go pick on some other glorious Empire with your savage and selfish "generosity" and "goodwill" this year? How about, for example, sticking it to the March of Dimes for a change?

That'll show those jerks ...

Sunday

Plasma

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I forgot my mom reads this blog.

The whole ‘Ox Nuts’ debacle alone was bad enough … but when she found out that her 150 pound bundle of joy watches porn … wow.

Now I’m grounded from TV for life.

I hate everybody.

Free

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Taking Phoebe's advice and going out wasn't such a bad idea after all.

And let me have said, once and for all, that going to bars and not drinking is the slickest predatory move ever devised. Sure it’s a long drive and like eight bucks for a Pepsi, but the with your head clear and eyes open, chasing tail is like shooting blind, drunken, promiscuous fish in a barrel of terrible music ... with a Howitzer. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of it before! In the space of a few hours, this chick I never met before leaves her panties in the car, pounces me in a cheap motel, and now wonders why I have "irrational insecurities over our relationship prospects".

[*sigh*]

My plan to quit smoking hasn't really made much headway, however. This one last vice will undoubtedly be the most difficult of all. Everything I do makes associations with it: driving, working, writing ... I'm thinking about spending some time out of town over the holidays and tackling it then.

But for now, I'm more worried about the bills. It's not that I can't afford to pay them, it's the fact that I'm sick and stuffy; the voice-activated services in place are getting thrown off by my sniffing, sneezing and coughing. It took an hour to do the gas bill ... and now I'm debating whether to even try Comcast ...

Can’t somebody cure this? My cold is fucking up commerce now ...

Resplendent

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Phoebe knocked for like two hours before she figured out that the door was unlocked. And there I was, in all my slothful, indolent glory.

“You have to get up,” she says flatly.

“Why?” I says.

Then there’s this big awkward pause.

“Because it’s not healthy,” she says finally. “You’re wasting away.”

“Wasting away with Hi-Def,” I says. “Now would you please go away? You’re blocking the screen.”

“What are you watching?”

“’Nympho Space Accountants From Sector 6’. It’s a sequel to the timeless classic ‘Horny Babe Outlaws From Sector 5’.” I turn it down with the remote, sighing, “but this one is just riddled with plot holes.”

Moving my bag of Cheetos, she sits at the corner of the bed. “LOBO, we’ve know each other a long time. Fess up. Did Sapphire break your heart?”

“My what?”

"Did Sapphire and Edward, you know, break your heart? It's hard seeing you like this."

I happen to glance at her, and suddenly realize she being sincere.

I press pause on the television. "Look", I says, trying to be comforting. "They do heart transplants all the time. It's like getting stitches now. And I like this one. This little thing has carried me a long way already--"

It was at that moment, in a moment of macho bravado, I thumped my chest.

But instead of the solid resonant thud we expected, there was a soft, sharp crack.

"Fuck!" I says, scowling.

"What was that?" asks Phoebe.

"Well, I'm hoping I just broke my breastbone."

Saturday

What’s This?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

While trying to install the television, I was pleased to find I own a tool.

A tool commonly referred to as a “screwdriver”.

This tool, which I had previously mistaken as a fancy cooking utensil, is a steel rod with a four-sided pointed tip used to drive screws. Hence it’s designation: a flathead screwdriver.

Used properly, this item can be held by the silvery thin part and used to bash the screws in with the wider end, also known as the handle.

... but this television sucks ...

Friday

Bedsore

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I finally got a kickass little plasma flatscreen for my bedroom.

I originally bought it as an X-mas present for a friend, but then I decided I liked it, and that he was probably an asshole anyway. That's how I scored these really cool Lawn Jarts!

Now I can watch the Playboy channel and browse porn simultaneously.

I need to go buy somebody an X-mas helicopter.

Thursday

Enema of the State

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’ve decided to marry Sapphire.

This marriage counselor I know is hot ... and I could drag an actual marriage on for years.

Maybe then she'll notice me.

But Sapphire, it turns out, is far too self-absorbed to marry me so I can win the love of our marriage counselor. This conversation did, however, prompt an appearance from the baby’s father:

My Presidential running mate, Edward Harrows.

“Oh my God,” I says. “You’re banging Sapphire?.”

“Yes.”

“Better’n me?”

Edward hesitates, “Sapphire says all you ever did was run around the room with your fingers in your ears, going ‘la la la la’.”

“Better’n me?” I repeat.

“Yes,” he admits. “I have no idea why she likes that so much, but I’m a Baritone.”

“Have you any idea how much this is going to effect our polls?”

“Vaguely.”

“Well, she can have all her Enya CDs back," I says. "But I’m keeping the Häagen-Dazs."

“Like hell you are.”

Wednesday

Measured Results

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Dude,” I says. “That was amazing. I mean, ‘Ox Nuts’ is going to be a major bestseller. It’s genius. I don’t think I’ve ‘punched the clown’ while crying this much since, like, September ... Who knew you could write like that?”

“I post on the blog almost every week or so,” says Mr. I.

“Yeah, but who reads that tripe? 'Ox Nuts' is big. Can you put in some explosions and helicopter chases? I don’t want to infringe on your art, but a scene where Ox fights a giant bug or something might help get some of your boring soppy romance edited out.”

“It’s supposed to be a love story, moron.”

“Well how about some buxom Nordic chicks in Viking helmets, wielding electric battle-axe guitars that go 'bla-WANGGGGGG--'?”

“Maybe.”

Tuesday

Moonlighting

Predator Press

[Mr I]

“Oh Ox Nuts, my love,” cries Gwendolyn. “The ocean is so vast, and yet here it is, for us and us only. Our love is captured forever in this meaningless, private moment on a magnificent beach.” She unties her flowing, golden hair. “Even the stars have turned away from us tonight. Take me now, you savage lustful beast! Before you are captured.” Her flimsy clothing slips over her pointed nipples, her curves, finally falling around her bejewelled ankles. “I want to have experienced your mighty passion, so I can remember it fondly while you are tortured and executed by my abusive boyfriend, the vile Prince of Zanzibar. Ox Nuts, ride me like a wild stallion …”

Idiot Bag

Predator Press

[Mr I]

“10,000 Pounds of Thrush?,” I says. “Where’d you come up with that crap?”

“I do not question THE BAG,” says LOBO. "Ever."

“The bag? What bag?”

“The bag of words I pull from when I’m trying to come up with a title.”

“Every time you need a title, you pull words at random? I call bullshit.”

“Behold!" says LOBO, thumping a heavy sack on his cluttered desk. “Bask in the splendor, ye nonbeliever.”

“Does it work?”

“Try it out,” says the screwball. “What kind of story are you working on?”

“Let’s say a love story.”

"You pansy."

"What?"

"I said 'Oooh, fancy'."

LOBO closes his eyes, as if in a trance.

“Oh for God’s sake--“

“Silence!” LOBO demands. “Oh, mighty and wise bag. Divulge unto us your creative genius, that of which we are so devoided!”

He pulls out two slips of paper, “The title of your romance epic shall henceforth be named,” he opens his hand, “Ox Nuts.”

“Ox Nuts.”

“Yes, Ox Nuts.”

“Well, let's see if this thing will help me with a title for my next post ...”

10,000 Pounds of Thrush

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Every year, Cobe gets together with his friends and family for a catered Christmas ho-down of galactic proportion.

And every year I decline the invitation and just send a gift.

This year I’m sending Lawn Jarts.

I’ve been sharpening these things for weeks.

Don't Blink

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Phoebe sets the big bowl of chicken soup on the counter, and Phil lands gracefully right next to it.

“That’s very sweet of you,” I says, shooing away Phil.

“Ethan and I were just going to see Rocky VI, and your place was on the way.”

“Who is 'The Italian Stallion’ fighting this time? His HMO?”

Phoebe shoos away Phil. “LOBO, we need to talk.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“How are you going to explain this whole ‘Sapphire’ thing?"

“What do you mean?” I says, shooing away Phil.

“Well, how can she have a black baby? There aren’t that many black people on this blog.”

I'm puzzled.

“Is it Jimmy Orlando?” she demands.

“First of all, I go to great lengths not to describe people, so the readers can just superimpose themselves over the characters. What are you saying? That I’m not kicking around minorities enough? For anyone knows, you're black." I shoo away Phil, "Jimmy Orlando is Hawaiian, by the way. Thanks for reading."

“I guess I never figured you as a inter-racial kind of guy. Don’t you think this might be kind of sensitive material? It's very important that you handle this properly. The very next thing you write could have dramatic polarizing effects on how mixed races will coexist for generations.”

“As far as I’m concerned, everybody should keep fucking everybody else until we’re all the same color."

”Hey, it’s really hot in here,” says Phoebe. “Do you mind if I take off my clothes?”

“What?” I says, startled.

“I said ‘it’s really cold in here, and you should keep that window closed’.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Do you know it’s rude to blog while someone is talking to you?” she says. "And, hey, the cat is eating your soup!"

"What?"

Monday

Fight in the Dog

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay. I’m sick.

It’s two o’clock in the afternoon, ‘an I’m staring into my blog with puffy eyes, dry as a bone. With a 175 degree fever, my skull feels like a hot bowling ball has been installed behind my eyes.

I would’ve been sent home sick had I bothered to go to work.

Still, I called Ethan, trying frantically to think of some crazy story so I could get the day off:

“What?” says Ethan.

“I'b sick”.

“Dude. It’s noon.”

[pause]

“It's Daylight Sabings already?” I says.

“No. But you can work from home on this one. I want you to get started on that 'Plan 9' script."

“But I’ve nebber even seen that—“

[dial tone]


***


number of pages: 01 of 01

12:16 pm

To: Ethan

Re: “Plan 9” script

Wesley Snipes, currently embroiled in some kind of local contract dispute, can’t help me on this one. So we'll have to go light on the stunts.

Our movie opens with me floating around in a really cool looking hangar bay, making out with a space chick. Like a space Jennifer Anniston.

And then I go fight some aliens.

The Aliens capture me, and then I make out with a bunch of space chicks in a substance that looks and tastes like lime Jello. This is because the only way the Aliens can survive is by banging us in lime Jello --thereby extracting our virus-immune potassium-charged DNA via squirty vertebrate sex and an apocalyptic number of helpless Styrofoam banana slices-- and then lopping off our heads.

Then I fight some more space aliens. But this time I unveil a sinister plot that the ‘lopping off the heads’ part is really optional.

The End


I interpret 'Plan 9' as a love story. Your thoughts?

LOBO

The Early Worm

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Finally I’ve adjusted to getting up at 5 in the morning.

... So where the hell is everybody?

Saturday

Got Wood

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, I don't think any of us expected Sapphire's baby to be black.

But I can't dwell on these things right now. Predator Press is now in negotiations with George Lucas; we're remaking Plan 9 From Outer Space with the epic operational budget of $8,570,868,975.16.

Out of this, Ethan demands free Gatorade for life.

What the heck is 'Gatorade'?

Discuss

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Look, what to you want?" says Mr I.

With my index finger I absently stroke the edge of his vast, meticulously neat desk. "You know how people at work make small talk over, say, football games or maybe how handicapped people are assholes?"

"What are you getting at?"

"What if all that 'small talk'," I says, making quote marks in the air with my fingers, "was about me raising your unborn bastard child with Sapphire?"

Mr I leans back in his chair, folding his hands behind his head. "Well, I would certainly have to kill everyone involved in that conversation," he says. “With hollowpoints. At point-blank range.”

"Well, we're out of trash bags in the break room," I says.

“Damn it!” his eyebrows narrow. "Can't that Cobe handle anything?"

Pressing 20k

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"My God Sapphire," I says in amazement. "I've been gone for a week and you have completely let yourself go. You're a fat slob now! And I mean fat like in the Leviathan sense of the word."

Her mascara ran in flowing tears. "What do you want, asshole?"

"I want to love and cherish you forever. To make you happy for the rest of our lives, and to raise the baby in love."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, will you break it to the baby's father? I'm hungy."




Got Game

Predator Press

[LOBO]

God is a funny guy.

He’ll go and tell you to do Stuff, and then go out of His way not to help you much.

I rode that glowing burro clear to the edge of the Atlantic Ocean: My thong is killing me.

It's absolutely true that burros tend to be a little on the 'gamey' side, but glowing burrows are delicious. And fortunately in Warsaw I was considered somewhat of a basketball phenomenon; soon I had enough money together from pick-up games for some A-1 and the forty hour flight home.

Great. Now my rollerblades thaw out.

Just wait until they turn off that "Please Fasten Seat Belt" light ...

Friday

Engine Light

Predator Press


”LOBO,” says God.

“What?” says me.

"You are going to go home and set things right with Charlize Theron -I mean, Sapphire- Jesus Christ, how does anybody keep all this straight? Have you any idea how much your blog sucks?”

“Vaguely,” says me.

"And after all that, I want you to really stick it to Cobe. I really hate that guy."

“Okie Dokie,” I says.

Don't Cry For Me Charlize Theron

Predator Press

[Mr I]

“Yes,” says Ethan into the speakerphone. “We’re all bogged down with Operation: Silverfish."

“Ugh,” says LOBO. “Sir, who is naming your Operations now?

“Cobe.”

”Well, we all knew it would be hard to top ‘Operation: Never Too Drunk To Fuck’, sir."

“Yes, but he keeps doing stuff.” Ethan complains. “The other day, I told him to get my Quarterly Reports prepared for inspection. You know what the little prick did?”

”He brought you the Quarterly Reports?”

“Yes. I'll be inspecting these things for hours!”

“The bastard. I’m sorry sir. I tried to warn you.”

“I know, I know. Say, is it cold there too?”

“Let’s put it this way. In this country, the leading cause of death is people tripping and impaling themselves on the lawn.”

“Sounds terrible, lobo.”

”Um, that’s LOBO sir.”

“What?”

"You’re mispronouncing my name again."

“Sorry,” Ethan replies. “Are you sure you don’t want to come back?”

"Are you kidding sir? It's the Great American Dream to live in the Bahamas."

"I suppose."

”Is Sapphire still preggers?”

“Oh yeah. I make Cobe get her pickles and Oreos at 3:30 every morning."

"But Sapphire hates pickles.”

"Yes she does," says Ethan. "But she hates Cobe more."

"When is she due?"

"She should be squeezing the lil bastard out any day now! We're all really excited ...”

Thursday

Moving Day

Predator Press

[Ethan]

"For God's sake Cobe, move move move!"

EVERYTHING has got to go. I said six hours, and I meant six hours.

Not six hours and twenty-three and a half minutes.

"And be careful with Venus de Milo this time. If you break her arms off again, I'll have you stuffed--!"

Why is good help so hard to find these days?

I need a lozenge.

How am I supposed to impress the locals with no parade, no fanfare, no spectacle whatsoever? Not even a single lousy gigantic bear? Nothing! And after I had to walk to the plane expending my own personal energy, the least these gibberish-speaking deadbeat slackers could have done was carry me.

Just look! I think I'm getting a blister.

The only good thing about this is this new exchange rate: I was able to buy the Tzar Nicholas' desk for thirty-four cents; I could have talked them down I'm sure, but I was feeling generous.

"You can break a hundred dollar bill, right Stroganov?"

Chop chop there Ivan; maybe 'The Pen is Mightier than the Sword', but it takes a long, long time to get your head lopped off with a pen ...

Wednesday

Love is a Funny Thing

Predator Press

[LOBO]

t was cold. And Troy had grown so much over the past year, his gigantic feet stuck out over the edge of the bed.

Virtually everyone commented on his size. And naturally large already, the hard farming toil made his body answer as steel.

In deference to his heartbroken mother, rarely was how much he looked like his father spoken aloud. Indeed, 'Vetter the Silent' would have been long forgotten were Troy not first born the very same year the Beast was slain. To the contrary, he was hailed by the small community as a sign of a fearless new beginning.

And at seventeen, he was already starting to doubt those stories.

Tired from working the dying fields, he should by all rights be sleeping soundly. But his mind dwelled relentlessly over the previous day; the day his beloved Ella, the graceful, lovely girl whom he had deflowered only weeks before, was denied him forever.

He could no longer stare at the ceiling through tears; the cold, mourning weight of his aching heart collapsed deeper into the void every second, and rest was not soon imminent. Rubbing his eyes he sat up. Surely Ella’s mother was mistaken! Was he not rich enough? Honest enough? Good-looking enough? Indeed, Troy passed over desirable –and desiring-- brides every day. Why should he be so denied? The image of that hard, disagreeable woman, aged to unguessable years by the unkind elements and labor, telling him ‘no’ seared wounds into his mind again and again.

Earlier, Kess tried to help with advice. Winter drawing near, the chores easing ever so slowly, they found themselves occasionally frittering twilight hours away fishing, climbing trees, playing games; the idle pleasures of youth. “You are, after all, a bastard,” he offers. “Perhaps Ella’s mother is simply unimpressed with your prospects.” Smacking Troy hard, a wrestling taunt, he smiles, “I would suggest you do something heroic, were you not such a big pussy.”

Pondering this, Troy got up in the early night and donned his twice-altered pants and his thrice-altered shirt. After his boots, he folded his seemingly tiny blanket out of habit, lost in deep thought. There was nothing to heroic to do, it seemed, in this bland farming community.

We barely survive; was this not heroic enough?



***


The “Beast’s” former lair is still well-known. Looted completely, it was sealed with stones sixteen years hence.

And it was most certainly an evil place even still.

Nonetheless, one by one, Troy mindlessly tossed the stones away. Perhaps a demonstration of courage was in order; were he to retrieve a souvenir from this shunned, ominous place, perhaps it would impress Ella’s mother. Tip the scales. Win her over. And then Ella and he would be wed with her blessing, raising her grandchildren.

He poked his torch into the small hole he had created and dropped it inside, watching carefully. There was nothing to see except more cave. No cobwebs, no life, nothing.

He wiggled in.

It was warmer than he expected. And moist. And the smells were that of fetid, unseen vermin. Were he not so sure the cave was utterly sealed, he would have suspected that maybe the mountain cats were denned here. Maybe bears.

He knew that anything easy to find in this forsaken place would have been stolen long ago. So despite his size, he worked himself into difficult corridors that seemed to loop and climb and drop, sometimes only to pointlessly loop back into a sizable chamber where he had been before. Still, with his innate and uncanny sense of direction, he was never lost, never moments from the tiny entrance in the random maze.

In a tight downward shaft, he began to find bones.

Small, uninteresting ones at first. But the deeper he crawled, the larger they became. An avid hunter, these were bones of animals he had never seen before; long, delicate birdlike ones. Even one of these strange specimens would have fulfilled his original goal most likely; groups would come for miles around for a campfire only to speculate fantastically what The Beast ate, weaving tales told over generations.

But questions arose in his mind. Why are there so many of this same strange animal? And what does this large bird look like? The fact that the size of the bones increased as he persisted downward in the dark made his heart race. How big were the really big ones? Would he find the bones of something of equal size of the beast? What would that be?

Noises.

Scratching. Something heavy against crumbling stone.

He stopped and listened.

Nothing.



***


The cavern spilled wide suddenly, into a space the torchlight couldn’t illuminate well. He dropped it in front of himself to gauge the depth. It fell for about ten feet, sparking wildly on the ground from the impact. Then with an abrupt stop, it came to rest awkwardly on a pale, jagged surface.

It was the surface of a sea of skeletons. Bones picked so clean they could have passed for snow in the poor light.

He gasped and gaped; this chamber was just so vast; it was like standing under a dark sky.

Dropping his torch here was a mistake obviously. He only had one left, and unless this adventure was over now, he would need one for the winding and cramped way to the cavern’s opened entrance.

But the treasure! Within ten feet of the torch was a bone of such incredible size, it must have been a horse, or at least a creature of equal size. Troy had never actually seen a 'horse' before; this could be proof.

Before long, torch retrieved, he was scrambling across the jagged, ivory surface. In the distance was a strange geometrically organized area that had drawn his curiosity, and he decided that that would be the end of his explorations. He scrabbled deeper into the chamber, boots sinking --sometimes to the knee-- into the grizzly terrain.

In a circle on the biggest bones of all lie scattered big, thick, randomly-shaped shards of some sort. He picked one up.

It was light, yet strangely flat and thick. Too flat to be a bone.

You might think it was an eggshell ...



***


Bedazzled by the new smell of young human flesh, the hunter glided down in virtually silent circles. Despite being crazed and ravenous by the exotic, delectable meal, it was wary and restrained, picking the moment by instinct.

It came down on the boy perfectly. A certain killstrike.

But Troy, senses alive, was no fool. At the last second he stepped aside as the mammoth predator slammed into the "ground". And in a fraction of a moment the clever boy’s sword was being pulled from the foolish beast’s neck.

He stood in awe of his kill. It was easily fifteen feet long--

Smaller, the next one seized upon the hesitation, clamping down on his torch arm at the elbow. Troy passed into shock as he and the grinning beast pulled at separate angles ... flesh, muscle, and ligaments stripped away from his naked bone, punctuated with a sickening lurch at the wrist.

The third, much smaller blur, lopped at his other arm. Missing badly, he snapped the boy's sword with a sickening, muffled clang.

And then there was another.

And another.

Hundreds.

Thousands.

Alas, fair Ella, your mother was right--

Tuesday

Outscourging

Predator Press

[Ethan]


CONGRATULATIONS GOOD PEOPLE OF SYKTYVKAR

We are moving our operations, and from millions have selected your wonderful and wholesome community of Proletariat-loving Сыктывка́р.

This was based on your keen industrial prowess, multi-national trade access, long history of tolerance for good-natured ribbing of political figures, outstanding surplus of livestock, complete unpronounceability, absolute gamekilling Scrabble score, and just overall fun-loving nature.

Bravo!

We’re not exactly sure why you are standing in line already. But if it is for jobs, please start cutting down the trees and stacking them neatly on the South Wall. And make sure they are stacked upright behind the smog factory, and to the west of the Starbucks. By all those goats.

For this, you will be rewarded:

* .04% of a Ruble Per Metric Ton of Your Natural Resources
* Democracy
* Freedom
* Leniency from your Future Oppressors
* Tents
* Tasty Water
and
* a Free Subscription to Predator Press
plus many coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond!


There's a Cold War on here people, so let's get moving.

Those Capitalist Pig-Dogs could arrive at any second.



"What? Warsaw is in Poland?" I complain to Cobe.

"Yes sir."

"Well crap ... what do I tell all these people on this Press Release?"

Monday

Vacation

Predator Press

[Ethan]

"All right everyone, according to the GPS locator I had surgically implanted in lobo's genitalia, he's in Russia ... or whatever they're calling it now. I'll just turn the power on it to max and check."

[the lights dim]

"Yep," I says, checking the readout, "And I'll bet he's going to be hiding under a table with foil on his head again. He hates when I do that."

"Don't you think he'd notice surgery down there?" asked Cobe.

"You'd think so. But a couple of years ago I told him that really verile men grow a third testicle. Then all I had to do was get him drunk and call in the Radio Shack salesman to install it. lobo was so proud for the next month he wouldn't wear underwear or pants just to show everyone."

Cobe winces, "Ugh ... I remember that."

"Well, if he's going to try and hide from this there's only one thing I can do: We're moving the whole damn business to Russia. Start dimantling everything. You have six hours to get moved."

My Unrequited Love is a STUD

Predator Press

[Mr I]

“It’s not impossible,” says RDO. “She’s a prototype. The tiny 'fertile' switch on her back has been fused for weeks, triggering full-blown ovulation. My God man, she could have had hundreds by now simply by osmosis." He pauses thoughtfully. "There must have been some sort of power surge recently that voided her warranty --as well as numerous other implied Extended Service Plans.”

“Get me LOBO on the phone,” says Ethan.


***


“Hey buddy!” says Ethan into the speakerphone. “How is the vacation going?”

“Well to be honest sir, I thought the Bahamas would be a lot warmer,” says the static.

[inaudible]

“What is that rattling sound?” asks Ethan, tapping the speakerphone.

“That would be my spine, sir. Warsaw sucks despite all that bullshit tropical hype.” The voice trails off for a second. “Sir, could you please arrange for me to return quickly? I’m fucking freezing--”

“Sure,” says Ethan, thrilled that everything is so simple. “We need you back for a paternity test anyways.”

“I never met the chick sir,” says the static. “Oh my God I am so cold …”

“It’s Sapphire.”

[pause]

“Sir, this test is coming at a very bad time,” says the disembodied speakerphone. “This place is fantastic, and I’m exploring some amazing career opportunities. Just give me another month or two. Your breaking up quite a bit now. What!?! Sasquach? Oh my GO---!!"

[dial tone]

Bombshell

Predator Press

[COBE]

Sapphire slipped into the office quietly. “Cobe, is LOBO gone on his vacation?”

“Yes,” he sighs. “And I feel like we are all on vacation for the next ten weeks.”

Suddenly, he realizes Sapphire is crying.

“Oh my God Sapphire,” he says, leaping to his feet. “Are you alright? What happened?”

“Cobe, can I tell you something you can never tell another human being?”

“Of course, my dear. Anything.”

Here comes the wind up ...

“I’m pregnant!” she wails.

... and we are outta here.

Bilge

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I got up early. Showered, shaved, pony tailed, suited, the works.

I would go as far as to say I looked rather dapper.

But 16 miles at 105 MPH in 17 degrees with my car door bungee-corded shut changed the game a little … My hair, still wet when I left, has flash-frozen closely to my head.

Goddamnnit, it’s perfect. I mean seriously: my hair is magnificent. Maybe I don't need a new car after all ...

And as predicted, Ethan really doesn’t seem to care about me getting some time off, as long as I get it cleared with the Director of Operations.

The Director of Operations, of course, is Cobe.

Houston, we may have a problem.


***


“We have concerns about how the corporate image Predator Press has evolved this year,” he says.

“Our image is fine,” I insist impatiently.

“Really?” says Cobe, thumping a big file on his desk. “Assault on a noted environmentalist, the attempted homicide of Santa Claus—“

“Okay fine. We’ve hit some speed bumps,” LOBO admits. "Look, I'll give you a quarter--"

Cobe’s eyes narrow. “You also tried to have me killed,” he says thinly.

“It was for a good cause,” I offer.

“Well, I think you should have to postpone your vacation until you have done something to repair the tarnish public image we are enduring.”

“What about all my charity work?”

“Ah, yes. Breast and Ovarian Cancer,” Cobe replies. “I would like to see something a little more tangible. Something more visible on a local level.”

“Like what?”




***


So I’m sitting outside the Kmart, freezing to death.

Dressed as Santa Claus.

I bang my bell on the red pot, yelling at bewildered customers through my fake beard. “You unpatriotic, cheapskate deadbeats! The French could kick the crap out of this so-called 'Army' … !”

Exit Wounds

Predator Press

[Mr I]

The best thing about dating Sapphire was it was a fun secret around the office.

But here it is, the biggest, craziest psychotic week of the year --courtesy of LOBO-- and poof, she's gone.

I was really starting to like her too.

But face it guys; once the hooks are in, you're done. Everything you do is for 'the couple', everything she does is for her.

It starts really sneaky. First she’s working on your little things, nuisance behaviors. Then appearance and health. Then ultimately, your boozing and whoring. Then she's ditching you for big stuff with evasive excuses, careful about which calls she answers around you, keeping crazy nocturnal hours and friends, all the while balancing an appearance of a commitment as long as the commitment doesn't require too much risk or effort ...

Nothing too inconvenient. It's not like we have anything actually at stake here.

I've been working 24-7 on a "relationship" with someone who has no idea who I am, has no time, and wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. And I’m so dumb, I sat there for a while wondering “What happened?”

For a few days, anyways.

Sunday

Free Lunch

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In a last ditch effort to mooch the free vacation I deserve rather than actually paying for anything, I broke into Bertram.

Again.

Doctor Keller was utterly confounded. "How do you keep getting in here?" he says, exasperated.

"Getting in is the easy part Doc," I brag. "The real trick is getting into the straight jacket."

"And how do you do that?"

"I have very nimble toes."

South for the Winter

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay, I've talked myself into it.

As hard as it will be to afford, screw it. I need this.

I hate this place and everyone here, and desperately need to go and hate being someplace else for a while ... someplace with some of that oh-so-detestable sand maybe.

And screw airport security! I'm not packing nothing 'cept sunscreen, my roller blades, and a thong.

See you in ten days!

Bio Graphic

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When I woke up this morning to take my, eh, “morning constitutional”, a quarter that was stuck to my butt fell in the toilet.

Now I have to drive to Kmart every time I need to use the bathroom, and the Yellow Pages don’t have any listings under ‘Toilet Quarter Removal’.

Plus it’s Sunday.

The local authorities have been absolutely no help whatsoever.

... I've got a feeling this is going to cost me big ...

Stiletto

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Alright, which one of you people did it?

We can sit here all day if we have to.

Think I’m kidding?

One of you has violated the sacred and healing, uh, sanctimonium of this blog by showing it to the South American Consulate in order to arrange for my extradition.

In other words, one of you is a rat. And until I see entire cities burning in a mammoth effort of apocalyptic proportion to find and eradicate this despicable invisible scourge, I’m holding you all responsible.

What if I was publishing sensitive military secrets that could unhinge known global policy and wipe out humanity forever? For shame, thoughtless reader! And now everybody in South America knows that I watch American Chopper; could you possibly have made an assassination attempt any easier? Now anytime I watch that lazy Mikey, I have to worry about subliminal images leaping into my wholesome and unprepared mind, lulling me into a hypnotical state suitable for receiving a bullet in my noggin!

God that Mikey is so lazy.

Nevertheless, don’t make me start doing background checks people, because I will!

Was it you?

Or you? Oh, I never trusted you. Your eyes are a little shifty.

I’m waiting.

We can do this all day if we have to …

Saturday

A Little Dumber Boy

Predator Press

[Mr I]

Twas three weeks before Christmas in the vast ICU,
and there I sit pensive, watching Cobe turn blue.
Phil was strapped firmly to the gurney with care,
a big ‘X’ on her chest marked the scalpels’ crosshair.

LOBO is locked in the trunk of my car
streaming obscenities for being captured afar;
Thank God for Ethan and his cool tracking gear,
and that LOBO's so dumb, the "Christmas Card" thing works every year.

Then all through the place there arose such a clatter
I sprung up from bedside to see what’s the matter;
Those clickings and whirs were burned in our heads:
The cybernetic sounds of Brad Pitt’s stolen legs!

Santa sneaks in with his hand to his lips
telling us “Shh”. He smiles --with his hat gives a tip--
and out from his bag, he pulls out a light
that slips to Cobe’s chest, closing it tight.

Cobe sits up, rubs his eyes as do we;
He’s alive, well and grinning at Phil, Santa and me!

Well, we know it’s not Christmas, but we wish you well now
(--non-denominational Phil, of course, just says meow.)

Friday

Killswitch

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Sometimes the toughest decisions in life are ones where ultimately there is no choice at all.

Without a heart transplant from Phil, Cobe will die.

The stress of all this coupled with two lengthy stays at the hospital, the Thanksgiving/Christmas rush, annual reviews and a frustratingly-lengthy murder attempt during eighteen hours of snow was enough; I grab up Phil and head to a secluded, unnamed beach in Rio to hole out for a while.

It turned out to be a nude beach, so I took Phoebe too.

She’s had a rough week.

Plus maybe I’ll get that pictorial after all. In fact, maybe she just gets really wild on the idea of public nudity once she tries it; I could easily fry billions of brain cells trying to burn that image into my mind. And then she says, 'Sure, I would love to do a pictorial for Predator Press ... it would be so hot,' and then asks me to oil her bronzed breasts while she complains how long it's been since she's been to her Nymphomania Therapy because her bronzed breasts weren't oiled correctly ...

I just don't think you readers give me enough appreciation for how much work I put into this blog.

Well, this all sounds great, doesn’t it? Just me, my cat, and a hot, naked, maybe-nympho princess soaking up the sun, impatiently awaiting the news of Cobe’s untimely death?

Leave it to Ethan to go and wreck it all up.


***


The only thing that blows about Predator Press gearing down for the holiday season is that Ethan makes me sign all the Christmas cards we send to friends and business associates.

Last year, there were more than 16,000.

I started out writing my full name, but my hand got tired --and my handwriting isn’t all that great to start with; people were calling us and asking who the hell “Myrtle L. Forensics” was.

So then I started signing “LOBO”. Then just “LOB”. And then finally “L”. This only prompted a January and February chocked full of ‘Laverne’ jokes at my expense.

So by leaving quietly for South America, I figured I would slip out on that little detail this year. But Ethan has his ways, and crates of the stupid cards were drop shipped right to my door the very same morning. This leaves me trapped in a motel room with a bitchy Phoebe, who, wrapped tightly in a bathrobe, refuses to go to the beach because Phil took a shit on it.

I wasn’t the one that gave him all those Pena Coladas now, was I?

Surly from my ruined vacation plans, I refocus my unrequited rage. That “doctor” was nothing more than a Republican zealot and a quack besides. Why should Phil, who has given birth to at least sixty kittens, get murdered just because Cobe is a jerk? Is it because Phil leads an ‘alternative lifestyle’ that is none of my business? Like Predator Press needs hassles from the Rainbow Coalition?

I pick out the doc’s Christmas card from the piles, and affix it with Phil’s pawprint. Then, right over "Wishing you a Merry Christmas", I put a big red “CANCELLED’ and “VOID” stamp.

That'll learn 'im.

Happy Holidays, Doctor Biggot Jerkface MD.