Extra Why Chrome
Predator Press
[LOBO]
So I'm sittin in the IHOP, mindin my own business, and I'll be damnned if Sapphire didn't stroll in. Looking disheveled and disoriented, she walks right by the line at the "Please Wait to be Seated" sign. But nobody says anything about it, most likely because she's carrying a Winchester 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun. Or maybe it's the bandolier of grenades. Who knows?
"Taking a shotgun into a restaurant?" I'm thinking, "My God woman, this isn't Dennys!".
So she walks by not seein me, and I can see her limping along, making faint whirring and clicking noises. The past few weeks have not been kind to her. Indeed, she looks like she's been hit by a truck. I'm thinking "Did she fall in with a bad crowd? Is it drugs? Did she fall for some self-absorbed jerk that is treatin her poorly?" I'm getting furious just thinking about it.
But suddenly I'm surrounded by four big guys in khakis.
"You LOBO?" demands the guy.
I lean back in my booth, tough-guy like. "Maybe."
"We're from the Oxford Lacrosse team," he says leaning into me, menacingly.
"What the hell is lacrosse?" I growl. I'm hoping it's chess or knitting or something.
"We have reason to believe you know where Mr. Insanity is."
"Well, I have reason to believe that 'Overboard', starring Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn, is probably one of the most underrated movies ever made. The truth is, as far as 'light and fluffy' romance comedies it's very well conceived and written. The acting is well-executed. Plus you get to see Goldie Hawn in this freakin' kickass thong--"
The Oxford Lacrosse guy rips the nailed-down table out of the floor, and roars as he holds it over his head.
Oh, it's on bitches.
Catching the little pitcher of maple syrup in midair, I splash it right in this jerk's face. All six Lacrosse thugs go down clutching their heads, screaming.
Alarmed, Sapphire flicks off the shotgun's safety and summersaults behind a load-bearing support beam. (Yes, I know IHOP doesn't traditionally have load-bearing support beams in their dining rooms ... we're going to get Pixar to edit it out).
Charlton Heston, dressed in sandals and a tattered bathrobe, stands in mid-sausage, grabs these two menus and yells, "Stop!".
I see a little glowing red dot on my chest. After a second, it drops to my groin.
Charleton Heston the hurls a menu, knocking Sapphire's shotgun to the floor. "Guns don't kill people!" he says. "Apes kill people! Damn dirty apes!" He then impales the cook with the half-sausage on a fork. "IHOP sausage is made of people!
By now the ten lacrosse players are starting to "come to". I spot a eight-year old public school student crying and cowering in the next booth. I reach into his bookbag, and sure enough right under the heroin I found his tech nine. I hurl it at the load-bearing support beam, and the place implodes around us in flames.
***
Well, this sucks. I was supposed to get Mr. Insanity's uneaten meal and bring it to the dog. But I look at it, upside down on the floor, covered in shrapnel and stucco dust and, well, flames, and I'm thinkin "I'm not paying for this garbage ..."
Suddenly the waitress stumbles over and puts me in a wrist-lock. "But it's my birthday!" I protest, weeping openly.
"This ain't Dennys bitch!" she says. She drags me to the counter by my earlobe and slams my head into the counter.
Sapphire's hand stabs up out of the rubble.
I sobs to the waitress "I'll give you a hundred-dollar tip if you tell me you love me."
She shrugs, and blandly says "Okay jerkoff. I love you."
Sapphire stands, smoldering IHOP rocks and plaster rolling off of her.
She cocks the shotgun one-handed.
I look at the waitress smirking.
But then the crazy shrew starts shooting at me!
***
I hold the waitress in front of me to avoid getting hit. "I knew you were nuts the second I met you, you crazy bitch!" I yell o'er the hail of shotgun bullets. "All my friends told me you were a totally possessive and jealous psycho!" a shotgun blast pings off of the waitress's order tablet. "Did I listen? No! It's always about you, you, YOU!"
Sapphire stops shooting. She drops the shotgun and falls to her knees, crying.
"Baby," I says, suddenly. "Don't cry!" I walk over and hug her.
"I'm so sorry!" she sobs.
I embrace her tightly, rocking softly. "It's okay sweetheart. Happens to everybody. Hey, stay here for a second. I've got a present for you."
She looks up into my eyes, space mascara running, "Really?"
I've never actually pulled a grenade pin before, so I'm proud to say I got six of 'em in my palm as I bolt the smoldering battlefield that once was a flourishing IHOP.
Now how the hell am I going to get home?
[LOBO]
So I'm sittin in the IHOP, mindin my own business, and I'll be damnned if Sapphire didn't stroll in. Looking disheveled and disoriented, she walks right by the line at the "Please Wait to be Seated" sign. But nobody says anything about it, most likely because she's carrying a Winchester 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun. Or maybe it's the bandolier of grenades. Who knows?
"Taking a shotgun into a restaurant?" I'm thinking, "My God woman, this isn't Dennys!".
So she walks by not seein me, and I can see her limping along, making faint whirring and clicking noises. The past few weeks have not been kind to her. Indeed, she looks like she's been hit by a truck. I'm thinking "Did she fall in with a bad crowd? Is it drugs? Did she fall for some self-absorbed jerk that is treatin her poorly?" I'm getting furious just thinking about it.
But suddenly I'm surrounded by four big guys in khakis.
"You LOBO?" demands the guy.
I lean back in my booth, tough-guy like. "Maybe."
"We're from the Oxford Lacrosse team," he says leaning into me, menacingly.
"What the hell is lacrosse?" I growl. I'm hoping it's chess or knitting or something.
"We have reason to believe you know where Mr. Insanity is."
"Well, I have reason to believe that 'Overboard', starring Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn, is probably one of the most underrated movies ever made. The truth is, as far as 'light and fluffy' romance comedies it's very well conceived and written. The acting is well-executed. Plus you get to see Goldie Hawn in this freakin' kickass thong--"
The Oxford Lacrosse guy rips the nailed-down table out of the floor, and roars as he holds it over his head.
Oh, it's on bitches.
Catching the little pitcher of maple syrup in midair, I splash it right in this jerk's face. All six Lacrosse thugs go down clutching their heads, screaming.
Alarmed, Sapphire flicks off the shotgun's safety and summersaults behind a load-bearing support beam. (Yes, I know IHOP doesn't traditionally have load-bearing support beams in their dining rooms ... we're going to get Pixar to edit it out).
Charlton Heston, dressed in sandals and a tattered bathrobe, stands in mid-sausage, grabs these two menus and yells, "Stop!".
I see a little glowing red dot on my chest. After a second, it drops to my groin.
Charleton Heston the hurls a menu, knocking Sapphire's shotgun to the floor. "Guns don't kill people!" he says. "Apes kill people! Damn dirty apes!" He then impales the cook with the half-sausage on a fork. "IHOP sausage is made of people!
By now the ten lacrosse players are starting to "come to". I spot a eight-year old public school student crying and cowering in the next booth. I reach into his bookbag, and sure enough right under the heroin I found his tech nine. I hurl it at the load-bearing support beam, and the place implodes around us in flames.
Well, this sucks. I was supposed to get Mr. Insanity's uneaten meal and bring it to the dog. But I look at it, upside down on the floor, covered in shrapnel and stucco dust and, well, flames, and I'm thinkin "I'm not paying for this garbage ..."
Suddenly the waitress stumbles over and puts me in a wrist-lock. "But it's my birthday!" I protest, weeping openly.
"This ain't Dennys bitch!" she says. She drags me to the counter by my earlobe and slams my head into the counter.
Sapphire's hand stabs up out of the rubble.
I sobs to the waitress "I'll give you a hundred-dollar tip if you tell me you love me."
She shrugs, and blandly says "Okay jerkoff. I love you."
Sapphire stands, smoldering IHOP rocks and plaster rolling off of her.
She cocks the shotgun one-handed.
I look at the waitress smirking.
But then the crazy shrew starts shooting at me!
I hold the waitress in front of me to avoid getting hit. "I knew you were nuts the second I met you, you crazy bitch!" I yell o'er the hail of shotgun bullets. "All my friends told me you were a totally possessive and jealous psycho!" a shotgun blast pings off of the waitress's order tablet. "Did I listen? No! It's always about you, you, YOU!"
Sapphire stops shooting. She drops the shotgun and falls to her knees, crying.
"Baby," I says, suddenly. "Don't cry!" I walk over and hug her.
"I'm so sorry!" she sobs.
I embrace her tightly, rocking softly. "It's okay sweetheart. Happens to everybody. Hey, stay here for a second. I've got a present for you."
She looks up into my eyes, space mascara running, "Really?"
I've never actually pulled a grenade pin before, so I'm proud to say I got six of 'em in my palm as I bolt the smoldering battlefield that once was a flourishing IHOP.
Now how the hell am I going to get home?
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