*Must be regulation shovel provided by Predator Press.
*These toys have only been tested on hobos, hookers,
transients, addicts, a handful of unfortunate animals, and
regulation shovels provided by Predator Press.
Friday
Predator Press Challenges China for Toy Market
Predator Press
* 1$ ALL YOU CAN FIT ON A SHOVEL!!! $1 *
*Must be regulation shovel provided by Predator Press.
*These toys have only been tested on hobos, hookers,
transients, addicts, a handful of unfortunate animals, and
regulation shovels provided by Predator Press.
*Must be regulation shovel provided by Predator Press.
*These toys have only been tested on hobos, hookers,
transients, addicts, a handful of unfortunate animals, and
regulation shovels provided by Predator Press.
Thursday
Exclusive: Larry Craig is Not Gay
Predator Press
[LOBO]
When I came across this picture, it all became clear.
Senator Larry Craig really isn't gay!
As a senator, Craig gives a lot of impassioned, authoritative and important speeches, right? He's under a lot of pressure. And when you stand in front of a podium, it does kinda resemble a urinal.
Now look at the picture again. See how he conspicuously avoids contact with the numerous phallics available? Hell, even Senator Patty Murray is squirmy!
Maybe he's in the bathroom, and suddenly needs to make a speech? Or what if one whiff of that urinal cake makes him regress into a state of seething, squirty debauched lizard-like cesspool of amorous desire, ready to penetrate virtually anything on two legs.
But he's not a lawyer, he's a politician.
Every last one of you "rushing to judgment" over a married homophobic father who tried to engage in a random sexual encounter with a stranger of the same sex in an airport bathroom should be ashamed of yourselves. Seriously. "Let He Without Sin Roll the First Stone."
I know it's only August, but this brave soldier has gone through a lot to beat out Paris Hilton and Michael Vick to earn my nod as the Predator Press Man of the Year.
(--and if those pricks at TIME Magazine steal any more of my ideas, I'm going to send them a really nasty email!)
[LOBO]
 |
| Hurry Larry! The Final Jeopardy Round Countdown Music is playing! |
Senator Larry Craig really isn't gay!
As a senator, Craig gives a lot of impassioned, authoritative and important speeches, right? He's under a lot of pressure. And when you stand in front of a podium, it does kinda resemble a urinal.
Now look at the picture again. See how he conspicuously avoids contact with the numerous phallics available? Hell, even Senator Patty Murray is squirmy!
Maybe he's in the bathroom, and suddenly needs to make a speech? Or what if one whiff of that urinal cake makes him regress into a state of seething, squirty debauched lizard-like cesspool of amorous desire, ready to penetrate virtually anything on two legs.
But he's not a lawyer, he's a politician.
Every last one of you "rushing to judgment" over a married homophobic father who tried to engage in a random sexual encounter with a stranger of the same sex in an airport bathroom should be ashamed of yourselves. Seriously. "Let He Without Sin Roll the First Stone."
I know it's only August, but this brave soldier has gone through a lot to beat out Paris Hilton and Michael Vick to earn my nod as the Predator Press Man of the Year.
(--and if those pricks at TIME Magazine steal any more of my ideas, I'm going to send them a really nasty email!)
Wednesday
Tuesday
Michael Vick Sends Larry Craig Fruit Basket
Predator Press
"Oh Jesus God thank you Senator Craig. Am I crying?
Oh my God I'm crying. Thank you sweet Jesus!"
Oh my God I'm crying. Thank you sweet Jesus!"
Monday
Jesus: Michael Vick found WHO?
Predator Press
Jesus: LOBO.
LOBO: Oh holy crap. Jesus Christ, it's like 4 in the morning!
Jesus: Wake up and experience your VISION.
LOBO: I told you LAST time I only want visions after 10:00am.
Jesus: I know. But this one is really important.
LOBO: Like those bogus football picks you gave me last year? I lost everything I had except these lousy shares of Predator Press.
Jesus: Which kept both Ethan and Babs from taking over, right? Now your life is a Hellbound hedonistic adventure of being constantly wooed by rich, smarmy screwballs for controlling interest of the company.
LOBO: Yeah. Thanks. But seriously, you could call first.
Jesus: I heard Michael Vick 'found' Me today.
LOBO: Yeah well, so did David 'Son of Sam' Berkowitz. Let's just say when it comes to getting 'found,' Waldo's got you boned.
Jesus: Don't you think people 'finding' me after acts of unconscionable evil makes a mockery of my teachings and followers?
LOBO: I'll say. But without 'Forgiveness', there's no real motivation to straighten yourself up, is there? What's the point if there's no hope? And frankly, the Bible is chocked FULL of dismembered mutton.
Jesus: I think Michael Vick should seek forgiveness from Anubis first. THEN he should check with Me.
LOBO: So you're goin' Old Testament on his ass?
Jesus: Probably not.
LOBO: Jesus, I don't get it. At least a butcher kills something quickly. This guy got animals hacked up, and then melted them alive. Who wants to be in an 'afterlife' with monsters like that?
Jesus: We've got a different Heaven for David Berkowitz and Michael Vick.
LOBO: Really?
Jesus: Same Heaven really. But their servers all crash every 12-24 minutes.
Wednesday
How to Break Up With Gods
Predator Press
Dear Medusa,
I can't do this anymore.
It's not really about the obsession with sculpture, the bloody dandruff, or the thick scales stuck in the soap bar; I just really think we should start spitting and hissing at other people.
I will always remember the good times -like that time we tickled Sisyphus until he dropped his rock and he hadda start History all over- but we've grown in different directions, and I want my half of the direction our music collection has taken. And my Dean Koontz paperbacks.
We're just too different. I think we should just be friends. And I'm not good enough for you . . . you need to find someone who will treat you like you deserve being treated for.
It's not you; it's me.
Don't come by unexpectedly; my new girlfriend has a 'thing' for blindfolded mongooses.
Your Friend Always,
LOBO
Dear Medusa,I can't do this anymore.
It's not really about the obsession with sculpture, the bloody dandruff, or the thick scales stuck in the soap bar; I just really think we should start spitting and hissing at other people.
I will always remember the good times -like that time we tickled Sisyphus until he dropped his rock and he hadda start History all over- but we've grown in different directions, and I want my half of the direction our music collection has taken. And my Dean Koontz paperbacks.
We're just too different. I think we should just be friends. And I'm not good enough for you . . . you need to find someone who will treat you like you deserve being treated for.
It's not you; it's me.
Don't come by unexpectedly; my new girlfriend has a 'thing' for blindfolded mongooses.
Your Friend Always,
LOBO
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