The Best Defects

Spiky

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It's Pretty Simple Really

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n the Seventh Day, God and Jesus were in the garage working on Jesus' Pinewood Derby car. Both were frustrated, because Jesus' healing powers kept making the blocks of wood turn back into trees. They tried everything: gloves, robots, idiots, dinosaurs ... but nothing worked, and soon the garage was stuffed with pine trees. This, coupled with the annoying habit Jesus had of making slurpy sounds with his straw, frustrated God to the point that He created the horrifically disgusting dump we all know as "Earth."

Inevitably Jesus, bored, snuck into the garage alone. And there was the Earth, sitting in God's vice grips, getting ready for it's last application of water sealant. Jesus, a mischievous lil scamp, paused from making slurpy sounds long enough to take a piece of ice out of his Pepsi, and dropped it on the hapless planet.

"Look out Noah!" he cried. "I'm killing the dinosaurs!"

Noah floated all over the place, and finally discovered America. And because he had all the animals, Noah quickly cornered the market on fast food franchises -crushing the vegetarian competition. This depressed the vegetarian Steve Jobs so much, he started working on computers. Steve Jobs would subsequently invent the iPod and smell bad and get boring. His company, Apple would go on to defeat the Pharaoh by dropping frogs on him via helicopter. While perhaps not the most effective method of warfare, it is certainly by far the funniest: after a few years that Pharaoh was freaking out. "Why are all these frogs falling on me?" he would demand from the Jews. The Jews, tired of cleaning frog guts off of the pyramids, formed a tax-free consortium and bought up 51% of Egypt in a hostile takeover bid.

The Pharaoh was summarily fired from the Board of Directors, and the Jewish community lived happily ever after.

In the Beginning

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God made man in His image.

-But man was a slob. First he stopped shaving. Then he blew far past ‘love handles,' and went straight into full-fledged Wisconsin Goiter.

“Adam,” says God. “You look terrible!”

“Well gee thanks God,” replied Adam. “Be sure you sign me up for your self-esteem seminars.”

“Adam, I’m going to make you a woman.”

“But what will all my friends say?”

“No, idiot. I mean I’m going to create you a companion.”

Now Adam, indeed, wasn’t all that bright: he imagined animated conversations about football and endless ‘pull my finger’ jokes.

“Cool,” he says.

“Give me one of your ribs,” says God.

“Here you go,” says Adam.

“Ugh,” says God. “You’ve got barbeque sauce in your beard.”

Adam wiped his beard with a napkin. “Do you want some of this coleslaw? This coleslaw rocks.”

“No. Just the rib, thanks.”

And from Adam’s rib sprung Eve.

“What a dump!” Eve complained.

“Okay,” says God. “My work here is done. You kids have fun now.”

“Thanks God,” says Adam.

“It’s filthy,” says Eve.

“Oh yeah,” says God as He recedes into the clouds. “One more thing. Stay the hell away from My apples, or I’ll invent the tire iron and beat you to death with it.”

“Okay God!” says Adam, waving.

“Ugh,” says Eve. “Is that barbeque sauce?”


***

Within a month, Adam had lost 50 pounds.

-Because Eve had eaten everything in sight.

Eve had gained so much weight that he couldn’t fit on the bed anymore, and often slept on the floor.

He got up and stretched carefully.

-His back was now completely wrecked.

As he surveyed the devastated remains of The Garden, his stomach growled; the crops were gone, and a huge pile of animal bones by the fire pit were all that remained of the wildlife.

Scratching his head and wondering how Eve even got the leaves off of the top of the trees, he heard a subtle, rustling sound.

A squirrel.

“Oh thank heavens,” said Adam.

But the scrawny animal had no intention of becoming Adam and Eve’s breakfast so easily. It scampered, ran and bounded out of Adam’s reach, and finally up the Tree of Knowledge. And there were those glorious apples: round and firm, a deep crimson -so sweet and heavy, the branches arched painfully under their burgeoning weight.

“Come down from there squirrel,” Adam cajoled, “and I’ll make it quick and painless!”

But the squirrel wasn’t listening. It was sniffing an apple excitedly.

“I wouldn’t do that if-“

Crunch

Suddenly there was thunder and lightning, and God’s voice boomed from the sky. “What the hell,” He says, “did I tell you people about eating My damn apples!?”

Frightened, the squirrel dropped the apple, and Adam caught it.

Adam looked at the apple, and then at the squirrel. If God catches me with this, he thought, I’m screwed. And if I explain that the squirrel did it, I’ll have no breakfast.

Looking around and thinking quickly, he spotted Eve, still slumbering and snoring loudly.

“Who dared?” demanded God.

Thinking quickly, Adam lobbed the apple, and it fell to rest right next her.

“Eve!” yelled God.

“Wha-?“ she said, starting to wake.

“Eve, what happened?” demanded God.

“She really let herself go once you left,” said Adam.

“No, I mean why hast thou disobeyed my Word and eaten of the Forbidden Fruit?’

“But I didn’t!” insisted Eve.

Adam threw his hands up in a frustrated shrug. “I tried to stop her.”

“Begone from my garden!” said God.

And poof, Eve was gone.

Adam sighed, shaking his head. “You know, you give some people an inch ...”

“Yes,” said God disappointedly. “I guess so. Say Adam, when are you barbequing again?”

“Do you like squirrel?”

Animal Stories

LOBO -Predator Press

Hairy and sweaty, Froyo looks like he smells bad.

This is convenient, because he indeed does smell bad. I just bought him a case of Axe body spray for Christmas, hoping that he would get the hint.

"I need help" he says. "Fish wants a punch up on the 'Ruff Muff III: Mel in the Cell' script."

"Look man," I shrug dismissively as we enter my studio. "Just do what I always did. Add 'they fuck' somewhere randomly. Nobody cares."

"They already fucked."

"They fuck again," I says, starting the mixing equipment.

"They've fucked three times."

"Then they fuck somebody else."

Froyos eye widen. "That's brilliant" he says, scribbling into the notepad.

"Now if you will excuse me, I need to create a soundtrack for that, and three other movies by this afternoon."

"I really love the studio by the way," he says as he exits. "It is like an acoustic uterus."

Hence my new band name.

This is the End

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A mere fifteen minutes after the freezing sweat started, I yelled a six dollar coffee into the toilet.

Ebola

This is a problem, because I am supposed to meet my friends to go to a rare festival; tickets were really expensive.

Smallpox

I barely made it to Rachel and Gina's bathroom. Mine is upstairs.

Bubonic plague

"Go on without me," I text the group valiantly.

Cholera

Alternating from fever and chills, I strip naked and start the showers, hoping to sort of 'regulate' my temperature.

Bird Flu

Suddenly feeling the need to sneeze, I scroll off some toilet paper. But, inhaling deeply before sneezing, the loose tail of the toilet paper shoots down my throat -I am now choking to death on a piece of toilet paper.

Smallpox

Self-applied Heimlich maneuvers busted my forehead on the marble. Now bleeding, I sunk to the floor, a blob of wet toilet paper stuck on the mirror.

Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia

Nobody will be home for days.  How will this be explained?

Cyanide Poisoning  (fuck you Nicolas Cage)

Reaching up to the sink, I fumbled for my cell phone, knocking off a makeup powder case which exploded everywhere when it hit the floor.  My naked sweaty body starts taking on the COVERGIRL mist.

Anthrax

"Well," I resolved. "This is exactly how I pictured it."

Let's "Nerd" for a Second

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The Star Wars press machine is creeping up on me like an ex girlfriend with zip ties, matches, and gasoline.

No fictional character influenced my childhood more than Han Solo.  Still, even I wasn't asking for this movie.  (If it sucks, don't think for a SECOND that I won't complain about a movie I never asked for.  Quite the contrary.)

Despite my skepticism, I think the source material is being dealt with well.  They have clearly spared no expense.  I always remembered his quote, "This ship made the Kessel Run in 12 Kilometers" (-or some other weird Canadian measurement of time).  But was Han the pilot?

-If you haven't lost sleep on minutia like this for decades ... I ... wonder if you even have a soul.

***SPOILERS***

If you will indulge the following 2 minute featurette, I have a theory that at minute 1:19 they are hauling what will be the object between the "classic" Millennium Falcon front mandibles.  It is spice, from the Spice Mines of Kessel, and it fatefully gets jettisoned during an escape:

The rest of the story is pretty cookie-cutter obvious.  Jabba the Hutt, notoriously forgiving, shrugs the whole thing off.  But Han has fallen in love with the almost naked slave girl on Jabba's chain, and says "Fuck you," splashing his Cosmopolitan into Jabba's fat fucking face.  And while Jabba is trying to wipe his face with those stubby little arms, Han and the naked slave girl escape.

Weirdly, the naked slave girl turns out to be a Kashyyyk princess or a queen or a general, which -let's be honest here- is the only thing Han swipes on Tinder.  Han saves Chewbacca from an impacted assful of alimony, and BOOM ...

"... A New Hope."