Let's "Nerd" for a Second
The Star Wars press machine is creeping up on me like an ex girlfriend with zip ties, matches, and gasoline.
No fictional character influenced my childhood more than Han Solo. Still, even I wasn't asking for this movie. (If it sucks, don't think for a SECOND that I won't complain about a movie I never asked for. Quite the contrary.)
Despite my skepticism, I think the source material is being dealt with well. They have clearly spared no expense. I always remembered his quote, "This ship made the Kessel Run in 12 Kilometers" (-or some other weird Canadian measurement of time). But was Han the pilot?
-If you haven't lost sleep on minutia like this for decades ... I ... wonder if you even have a soul.
***SPOILERS***
If you will indulge the following 2 minute featurette, I have a theory that at minute 1:19 they are hauling what will be the object between the "classic" Millennium Falcon front mandibles. It is spice, from the Spice Mines of Kessel, and it fatefully gets jettisoned during an escape:
The rest of the story is pretty cookie-cutter obvious. Jabba the Hutt, notoriously forgiving, shrugs the whole thing off. But Han has fallen in love with the almost naked slave girl on Jabba's chain, and says "Fuck you," splashing his Cosmopolitan into Jabba's fat fucking face. And while Jabba is trying to wipe his face with those stubby little arms, Han and the naked slave girl escape.
Weirdly, the naked slave girl turns out to be a Kashyyyk princess or a queen or a general, which -let's be honest here- is the only thing Han swipes on Tinder. Han saves Chewbacca from an impacted assful of alimony, and BOOM ...
"... A New Hope."
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