A Good, Dead Hittite

LOBO -Predator Press

My therapist says volunteering time to teach orphans how to shoplift is a poor way to deal with the guilt of being a true, full-time vehement racist.

And based on my carefully-cultivated image, I'll bet you never would have guessed that I am racist. But there it is.

I hate Hittites.

I hate them with a purple, venomous passion.

See, the Hittite kingdom is conventionally divided into three periods: the Old Hittite Kingdom (ca. 1750-1500 BC), the Middle Hittite Kingdom (ca. 1500-1430 BC) and the New Hittite Kingdom (the Hittite Empire proper, ca. 1430-1180 BC).

-And I freakin hate all three of them.

I mean they are dead, right? How the fuck great can you be if you're dead? Hm? I can, say, go make a pot of coffee. Would you Hittites like a cup of coffee? No? Oh, you're dead you say?

Well, HA HA.

More coffee for me.

And no, I don't think organizing a protest is a good idea ... I'll go Dustbuster on your ass.

We all know intuitively that red is bad, right? Well, just look at this here satellite photo: see how bad these people are? I mean that is concentrated fucking evil, and they are crawling with it. I hope the Sumerians kick the crap out of them! Evil has never done anything to me personally, but I suspect in the wrong hands -like those Hittite rubes- evil would probably suck.

And yes, Indo-Hittites are pretty cool, but unfortunately everytime I see cuneiform, I just wanna puke 'cuz it reminds me of those lousy scumbag garden-variety Hittites. I'm nauseated I gotta breathe the same air they did! Blech. I can still taste Hittite crawling in it.

They oughta make anti-Hittite Febreeze.


Author's Note: This blog does not endorse the ill-treatment of the descendants of the noble Hittite, or represent the ideas or beliefs of the author.

No Hittites were harmed during the writing of this post.

A Short Visit

LOBO -Predator Press

Holding the doorknob, I glance at Gina.

"It's a spider," I says.

"What?" asks Gina.

Cracking the door, I wince in the sunlight. Down on the welcome mat, there's a lizard.

"I'm in disguise as a lizard," it explains.

I stare.

"We've met before," it continues. "I'm the ghost of an armadillo you ran over in 2002."

I keep staring.

"But I was actually a textile worker killed during the Industrial Revolution," it points out. "Reincarnated as an armadillo. Understand?"

"You're the spider ghost of a textile worker reincarnated as an armadillo, and in disguise as a lizard," I repeat.

From behind, Gina sighs. "Does this happen every time you eat a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish?

Confused, my eyebrows furrow as I turn back to her slightly.

"Does what happen?"

Virtually Unrepentant

LOBO -Predator Press

Poring over my psychiatrist bills, I happened spot a new diagnosis. Now trust me, I have a lot of diagnoses. The fact that I spotted this one at all is probably due to my OCD.

But this one is a learning disability.

"Disease Synonyms:

•Basic learning problem in writing
•Developmental academic disorder
•Developmental disorder in expressive writing
•Developmental disorder, expressive writing
•Developmental expressive writing disorder
•Difficulty solving problems
•Difficulty writing
•Disturbance of cognitive learning
•Impaired ability to learn new material
•Information conversion problem
•Learning difficulties
•Slow learner"

I apparently have a "Disorder of Written Expression?"

Okay, let's forget that I graduated college. With Honors. Academic Dean's List. And that I make my bones doing business correspondence on a densely-crowded travel schedule. And that I run a webpage. Shit. I mean I know I don't write as frequently anymore, but that is tied more to travel fatigue, lack of inspiration, and general depression over a divorce. Did this hack quack mistake my shitty handwriting and charming sarcasm for a legit learning disorder? Or am I really sick, like a late onset kind of thing? I have been drug and alcohol free since February, and am even [mostly] vegetarian so I can accumulate enough Karma to be the biggest, bestest douchebag ever.

Why now?

I would have bought a reading disorder, seriously. If you put three simple, clear and unrelated traffic signs close together, I can't make any sense out of any of them. And I haven't finished a novel for pleasure in over five years. I can read a news story on the internet, but I confess the only "pleasure" reading I do anymore are electronic schematics. At work, given the choice between associated titles and SKU numbers, I have been going with the numbers for years. My den is an over-budget and uncompleted collection of projects: computers and cables and unassembled IKEA furniture, waiting to prop up and network the incomplete dreams I work so hard for.

It is a sacred place I hope is never finished.

It is a beautiful disaster.

Ask LOBO: Dating Edition

LOBO -Predator Press

Millions and millions of readers are always asking me every day, "LOBO, you've been married three times. Clearly you are amazing at relationships. Can you give me some dating tips?" My first impulse is to refuse -I'm currently on track for at least six marriages. Why would I dispense such potentially dangerous wisdom?

Well why not? I'm a sucker for logic.

#1) ALWAYS WEAR PANTS. I can't stress this enough. No matter what you've seen on the internet, not wearing pants should be saved for the fifth or sixth date.

#2) MAKE HER PAY. You need to be sure she isn't some kind of beady-eyed phsycho moocher. Beady-eyed psycho moochers are virtually unemployable.

#3) GET IN FRONT OF YOUR ASHLEY MADISON ACCOUNT LEAK. Distort your past with rumors like "That guy Jullian Assange kicked my puppy."

#4) SHAVE. When able, impress her with how fast you can swim.

#5) FILL CAR TRUNK WITH FIRST AID SUPPLIES. Women like security. How better to demonstrate you are fully prepared for the zombie apocalypse?

#6) PRETEND YOU HAVE FEELINGS. Women can be as mysterious and complex as they are wonderful, and "Feelings" seem to be at the very top of their interests. Someday one of us should really get to the bottom of it all.

#7) DON'T DATE RONDA ROUSEY. Sure, she's hot. But nothing spoils romance like ruptured kidneys, torn ligaments and spinal injuries.

#8) SERIOUSLY DON'T DATE RONDA ROUSEY. The human pelvis can only be rebuilt so many times.

#9) BE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE PAINFULLY OBLIVIOUS OF STAR WARS TRIVIA. If she don't know who TK421 is, the bitch might throw out your Bossk action figure. But on the upside, sound of drying vagina might stop for a few days.

#10) THE SEX ISN'T FANTASTIC -YOU ARE JUST FINALLY HAVING SEX.  Over a long enough timeline, gear up for changing the cat litter and trying to remember where you hid the porn.

Scorpion Kick

LOBO -Predator Press

Got some [really] bad advice a few years ago, and lost my anonymity by merging Facebook and Google.  Now, despite this being a fictional blog, everyone started superimposing their shit on what I write.  Co-workers I just met insist stories I wrote years before are based on them.  As a consequence of an errant Google search, a girl, concluding I must be the only "lobo" on the internet, asked me who "lobowife" was.

WTF?

It's really hard to create in circumstances like that.  It has accelerated divorces, caused issues at work, and really eroded my sense of humor in general.  I feel like I enjoyed a great, unrestrained run, and now I find myself burning calories making more and more explanations.  What was once a fun and cathartic adventure has me all too often comforting unnecessarily bruised egos.  Complicating matters is, yes, some scenarios are inspired by real life.  But what writer does not draw from experience?  With the anonymity removed, no matter how hard I cloud things, people will be able to "connect the dots."  Anchored at least partially in reality by yours truly, the accusations and allegations will never end.

This comes up now because I am sinking some major coin into my podcast project.  I just ordered microphones and the soundboard, and a suitable computer to run it.  The expensive software is daunting.  Thinking forward, it will only get worse: at some point I will need a formal studio built for the live feeds.  Hours of phone calls about the commercial applications and legalese that yield more questions than answers ... this is much more difficult than I ever guessed.

And I'm not complaining.  Seriously, I really enjoy it.  I haven't felt this engaged in something in over a decade.  But last night, poring over technical manuals, it occurred to me I was making all the same mistakes again.  If this thing succeeds, people will respond to the energy -and the wrong people will -at best inadvertently- work to fuck it up.  I've spent decades learning to accept and deal with my own faults and eccentricities, but nothing can prepare me to deal with everyone else's.

So I think I'm starting over.  A new blog, a podcast independent of my beloved Predator Press, a new nom de plume and "persona" altogether.  They can, after all, always be unified in the future, but I don't really see why they ever would at this point.

I'm excited at the idea of a 'reboot.'

Ghosts

LOBO -Predator Press

Work, travel, and life in general have really limited my ability to write this year. Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings. But fear not, o loyal reader! Your beloved Alabaster Battlemaster has not been idle!

Piece by piece, recording studio equipment has been arriving back home, and the plan is to make Predator Press -at least in part- a podcast. This should include audio and visual components, and Skype interviews with our -and by "our" I mean "my"- favorite internet personalities.

If you still insist on immolating yourselves and/or jumping off of tall buildings in the meantime, please be tidy about it. This isn't all about you you know.

 Show some goddamn consideration.

WTF Ever Happened to Quicksand?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Once again, at no small expense to you, we here at Predator Press have set out to settle an age-old question burning in everyone’s mind: What ever happened to quicksand?

You remember ... one could barely get through a half an hour of television without some poor slob stumbling upon his buddy's pith helmet laying mysteriously on the ground. Then he or she goes to pick it up, and the horror ensues.

-It’s quicksand!

I remember being taught about quicksand by no less than three teachers during the brief debacle of my education. They all conflicted with each other too. “Don’t struggle,” one said. “Lay flat and roll out,” said another.

Clearly even then this enigmatic sedentary evil was barely understood. Of course this was the heart of Chicago, where they taught us to curl up in a hallway in case of aerial bombings and hide under our desks during nuclear blasts.  It's safe to say if graffiti didn't stick to it, we Chicagoans didn't know shit about it.

So after years of jumping over suspicious looking sidewalk squares, it occurred that inner city quicksand may well have evolved a cracked appearance -perhaps even a Hopscotch pattern as camouflage! And tedious "research" revealed absolutely no cases of Chicago quicksand attacks, thus proving conclusively the deadly hunting prowess of this formidable and fearsome predator: no one had yet survived an encounter with it to tell the tale.

-I haven't slept in years.

Unfortunately, the Predator Press scienticians really let us all down this time. All they did was gorge Dominoes pizza, play World of Warcraft, and work on their Facebook profiles until SPAM beguiled them into downloading crippling computer viruses via porn.  Obviously the Great Mystery of Quicksand is beyond the feeble understanding of even the greatest minds of our time.

Still, we here at Predator Press remain hopeful that perhaps one day Humanity will learn to communicate with quicksand, the most misunderstood, secretive, and voracious of Nature’s killers.

But we recommend you all wear big, buoyant hats in the meantime.

Just in case.