Ask LOBO: Dating Edition
Millions and millions of readers are always asking me every day, "LOBO, you've been married three times. Clearly you are amazing at relationships. Can you give me some dating tips?" My first impulse is to refuse -I'm currently on track for at least six marriages. Why would I dispense such potentially dangerous wisdom?
Well why not? I'm a sucker for logic.
#1) ALWAYS WEAR PANTS. I can't stress this enough. No matter what you've seen on the internet, not wearing pants should be saved for the fifth or sixth date.
#2) MAKE HER PAY. You need to be sure she isn't some kind of beady-eyed phsycho moocher. Beady-eyed psycho moochers are virtually unemployable.
#3) GET IN FRONT OF YOUR ASHLEY MADISON ACCOUNT LEAK. Distort your past with rumors like "That guy Jullian Assange kicked my puppy."
#4) SHAVE. When able, impress her with how fast you can swim.
#5) FILL CAR TRUNK WITH FIRST AID SUPPLIES. Women like security. How better to demonstrate you are fully prepared for the zombie apocalypse?#6) PRETEND YOU HAVE FEELINGS. Women can be as mysterious and complex as they are wonderful, and "Feelings" seem to be at the very top of their interests. Someday one of us should really get to the bottom of it all.
#7) DON'T DATE RONDA ROUSEY. Sure, she's hot. But nothing spoils romance like ruptured kidneys, torn ligaments and spinal injuries.
#8) SERIOUSLY DON'T DATE RONDA ROUSEY. The human pelvis can only be rebuilt so many times.
#9) BE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE PAINFULLY OBLIVIOUS OF STAR WARS TRIVIA. If she don't know who TK421 is, the bitch might throw out your Bossk action figure. But on the upside, sound of drying vagina might stop for a few days.
#10) THE SEX ISN'T FANTASTIC -YOU ARE JUST FINALLY HAVING SEX. Over a long enough timeline, gear up for changing the cat litter and trying to remember where you hid the porn.
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