Road Kill Gumbo
[Mike McHugh]
Don't get me wrong; I firmly believe in taking good care of the people who work very hard to take care of us. I only wish that this system of figuring out the tip weren't so darned complicated. A lot of the time, I don't have a clue. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a graduate level course on subject at M.I.T.
The only time I really have an inkling about this is at a restaurant. 15% of the bill is the commonly accepted guideline. But what if the waiter dyes your new shirt purple with a bottle of wine. What then?
In a bar I'm totally lost. Experience tells me the customary tip for a bartender is a buck no matter what you order. It could be a $2 bottle of bud light, or an entire round for your office mates at happy hour. On one particular occasion I bought a beer for $3.50. I left the two quarters on the bar, and the bartender gave them back to me!
Now I may not know much about tipping, but I don't think it's a good sign when a bartender refuses your gratuity. You'll probably fly through the sobriety checkpoints on your way home that night.
I'm always impressed with the very long memories people seem to have of those who under-tip them. A retired waitress with Alzheimer's who doesn't recognize her own son can probably recall the face of every patron who stiffed her over her long career.Here's a true experience that illustrates this point. Many years ago, during a trip to Nashville, I was at a baseball game with a friend, and we run into an acquaintance of his who swore that he knew me. That seemed quite impossible to me, as I had never been anywhere near the city of Nashville prior to this occasion.
Still, he insisted. "I know you!" he kept repeating. Finally after a minute or so, a light went off in his head. "You're the guy who only tipped me a buck!" he exclaimed.
Yup, turns out he was the bellhop at my hotel. I felt bad; I was young and naive and didn't mean to under-tip him. So, I bought him a beer to make amends, which did seem to smooth things over. The next day, however, when I passed through the lobby, I noticed him sitting there amongst a mountain of suitcases, holding onto his head, obviously hung over. My luck, he was probably a recovering alcoholic, and that one beer tossed him off the wagon.
So I wonder, how exactly do you figure the tip when there's no up front charge to base it on? Theoretically, even ten cents is infinity percent. Do you give an airport baggage handler a fixed amount per bag? That can't be right. A brick salesman's sample bag would merit the same tip as a guy peddling cotton swabs.There is one thing for sure in this situation; a baggage handler is the last person you want to under-tip. After all, his job is not done yet. If your tip was too light, you will know it when you reach your destination, only to find contents of your suitcase appearing on the carousel one item at a time.
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