The Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!

Predator Press

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Once again Chris Cameron has struck a brilliant chord in the worldwide blogging concerto, rising above the dissonance with a bittersweet and blood-soaked symphony of bone-crushing harmony: the Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League.

I might not know jack about football, but me 'an fantasy go waaaaaay back.

Visit Angry Seafood and join the Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League.

-NOW!

The Legend of Testicles

Predator Press


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Sure we’ve all heard the fantastic adventures of Hercules. But Predator Press scienticians have unearthed archeological evidence that Hercules had an evil twin brother, Testicles.

Testicles wasn’t as quite as large as his legendary sibling Hercules –and frankly he wasn’t all that bright either. But in their youth, Testicles often ran the show.

Hercules and Testicles eventually became bitter rivals, and Hercules often beat Testicles severely. One fateful day Hercules beat Testicles so badly, Testicles shrank off into obscurity forever.

The Astronaut Whisperer

Predator Press

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After being struck by a landing space shuttle, Air Traffic Controller Dirk Elway’s life is completely transformed: sunken into a bleak and menthol fog of Nyquil and Altoids addiction, even his goldfish have run away.

Similarly one of the surviving astronauts on board that very same space shuttle goes crazy, buys a box of Depends, and rides across the country –ultimately killing everyone in Twentynine Palms California with a rake.

On a hunch, Clint Eastwood –a world-renown Astronaut Whisperer- gambles that Dirk and The Astronaut’s macabre killing spree are somehow linked; armed with nothing but a 32 oz jar of Tang and a walkie-talkie Clint makes contact, culling the rogue Astronaut and reuniting him with ailing Dirk … but soon thereafter Dirk is mysteriously killed by an overdose of rake to the back of the skull.

Can Clint teach The Astronaut to laugh and love again? Will The Astronaut once again claim his coveted spot in the London Symphony Orchestra? And how can The Astonaut's lowly new job of testing 747 engines by tossing live seagulls into them let him rise once again to his once-lofty astronaut status? Only time and a ragtag group of Baptist church choir enthusiasts can tell.

We here at Predator Press give The Astronaut Whisperer, like, ten big thumbs up: this is the surprisingly engaging tale of an astronaut beset by tragedy and a love for gardening, and Clint's dogged and relentless efforts to repair his broken and battered spirit.

Scheduled for release this summer, it’s an uplifting, fun and romantic little film that’s a must-see for the whole family.

Nicolas Cage is not in this movie.

Please Welcome Our Proud New Sponsor!

Predator Press

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Too slithy for anything but the mimsy of gyring toves, wabe bororoves, and gamey bandersnatches every fair and frumious brillig?

Do you find yourself always galumphing along the tulgey with uffish, manxome, whiffling thoughts -thoughts of completely outgrabed mome raths?

-Blech!

Well break out your vorpal blade under the Tumtum tree and chortle with frabjous, beamish joy as you gimble up some all-natural nutritious lowfat Snicker-Snacks ®!*

Eat Snicker-Snacks ®
by Jabberwocky

Now chocked full of vitamin-fortified Jubjub!

* Warning: It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire; possible side effects may include an evil Galactic Empire, hidden bases, rebel spaceships, a period of civil war, being far away yet not quite far enough, drowsiness, dizziness, migraines, insomnia, slight weight increase, massive weight increase, temporary blindness, stomach cramps, hallucinations, aneurysms, nausea, cancer, weaponized plutonium, projectile vomiting, projectile diarrhea, projectile vomiting and simultaneous projectile diarrhea, tsunamis, wormholes, lesions, malignant tumors, Cthulhu Mythos, MicroSoft updates, democratic fundraisers, and conspicuous erections in prison.

If consumed, please consult your physician and local pastor immediately.

Think First

Rocket Scientist, Ask Me Anything

[Stephanie B.]

Think first.

Really, that seems obvious but people don't put it into practice often enough. Think before you speak.

A great deal is made in this country of the right to say whatever we think, but there is something that goes with that right - responsibility for what one has said. If we thought about what we were saying more often, I suspect we wouldn't say so damn much.

Of course, many people don't even think before they act (and the lack of accountability among many is a WHOLE other topic), but speaking does plenty of damage itself. It's not harmless to mutter racial epithets when there are only your children to hear you.

It's not helpful to demand a higher authority than Hawaii prove the President was born there (hint hint, when it comes to birth record, the state IS the authority).

It serves no purpose, no matter what ideological side you are on for any topic to repeat what your leaders have said without running it through your own logical processes first. No one is infallible. Few leaders (if any) are free of ulterior motives. What they say reflects on them.

What you say, however, is your responsibility and, if you regurgitate any nonsense you're given (and reject any other information because of the source), well, that's no one's fault but yours.

You might want to think about that.



Submission and Rules
Schedule

Shocking Barack Obama Bootleg Porn!

Predator Press

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Yes, you read it here first at Predator Press: “Shocking Barack Obama Bootleg Porn” probably does not exist.

Probably.

And would you really want it to?

Blech.

-You people are weird.

Nights of the Round Fable

Predator Press

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After the release of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indy’s faithful and adorable sidekick “Short Round” just seems to vanish from the face of the Earth.

"Well that's impossible," you say. "This could never happen."

Well it turns out that about 8% of Predator Press readers are right 22% of the time: this tragic and shocking true story has been kept under wraps for over 20 years -and it might never been known if not for the dogged and relentless investigative skill of yours truly.

While Indiana’s life -filled with hot chicks, explosions and danger- has thrilled and exhilarated movie audiences for decades, it was found to be ill-suited for raising children; before long Short Round was seized from Indy by Child Protective Custody and placed into foster care.

Heartbroken and psychologically damaged permanently by Indy’s cavalier and lax parenting, Short Round subsequently ran away and seemingly faded into a mysterious shroud of obscurity.

It was no small effort to track his whereabouts from that day forward. But during a chance examination of the MIT Archives we discovered ancient correspondence with Short Round: it seems that soon thereafter it was discovered that he was woefully poor at math, and due this hideous handicap even MIT rejected him.

His last and lowliest of hopes and dreams were horribly crushed against the jagged rapids of cruel Hollywood fate.

Out of options, he spent a few years with the Harlem Globetrotters to make ends meet ... but nothing seemed to sate his emotional void; during a Vicodin and PCP-fueled rage, he punched a cheerleader and called Curly Joe a “punk-ass bitch” –acts that led to his permanent expulsion from the league.

It might seem true that life hasn't been very kind to Short Round. But shortly after serving his jail time and rehab, he met his true love in a strip bar. Connecting instantly during a conversation about their mutual obsession with snakes, the 'sparks flew' so to speak: now Short and Sassy Round live happily in a Des Moines subdivision with their eight beautiful children.

-The oldest of which begins at MIT this August.