Predator Press Exclusive! Shocking and Totally Legal Michael Jackson Will Found

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Dr. Conrad Murray is Guilty of SOMETHING

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Okay, let’s face it: the Michael Jackson story isn’t just fuelled by his stardom … there’s a lot of weirdness here too.

Why did the good doc take a leave of absence from his practice, sign up for the London tour, and then just boogie –without even providing information to the paramedics or police first?

Isn’t that the point of having a personal physician on staff?

I smell a rat … and were I a responsible journalist, I would pursue this story with a ruthless zeal.

Unfortunately, I’m currently drafting a story about cat farts.

Billy Mayes Dead

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According to Fox News, 'OxiClean' and 'Mighty Putty' pitchman Billy Mays, 50, was found dead Sunday morning.

That’s Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays in three days. They’re all in my thoughts and prayers.

-And so are explicit directions to Nicolas Cage’s house.

I Miss the .45 Caliber Headspace

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A few years ago, I stumbled over The .45 Caliber Headspace -a blog that still resides proudly in my “Grand Mal” RSS feed, despite not posting in almost a year.

This was maybe the first blog that told me, “You know what? Blogs can be about writing if you let them.”

-Thank God he was wrong about all those “writers” hogging my spotlight.

Still, let’s wake that fucker up and make him post again.

... If only to be ironic.

Skeleton Jack

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“Look, I couldn’t help it,” explains -eh- Shiftless, my oldest son. “Practice went over forty-five minutes. You know I can’t call.”

I scowl as he fastens his seat belt. “Well that’s just great,” I says. “It’s midnight. You know mom will think I was at a strip club or a bar or something if she wakes up.”

“What should we do?” asks Shiftless.

And that’s when I tapped the transparent cylinder into my palm, and blew glitter all over him.

"I'm way ahead of you,” I reply.

Exclusive: Did Ahmadinejad Murder Michael Jackson?

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Following up on ABC News and CNN stories asserting online queries regarding the death of Michael Jackson nearly brought down the internet, Predator Press has uncovered what will doubtlessly be the largest international murder plot in the history of humankind.

"Michael Jackson's death caused an 'internet overload,' crashing popular sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Google," said a very scientific-looking guy. "When you consider that these are the primary methods of communication for Hossein Mousavi's revolutionary supporters, it's clear this was no accident."

Jackson's nose is anticipated to bring in upwards of $600,000 on eBay, and videos of Ahmadinejad militants training for the macabre mission on Mister Potato Heads probably exist.

Probably.

What the Heck Happened to Diesel?

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Whenever the Mighty Mighty Diesel goes on hiatus, I like to seize upon his absence as an opportunity to lecture about him extensively.

And who better to speculate wildly about his mysterious disappearance than myself?

Hm?

The truth is I don’t know precisely; Diesel is a very complex and multi-facetted individual. And after sleeping in his car at the airport for the last ten days, I’m finally forced to conclude he could be literally anywhere.

Sure maybe he’s training to come out of retirement and defend his Ultimate Fighting Championship title -or perhaps continuing on in his noble quest to save starving babies in some horrifyingly unpronounceable country.

-But what if he’s been kidnapped, and some diabolical mastermind is forcing him to write more books?

Whoever you are, please don’t hurt Diesel: he is a great and well-respected blogger and author, and I have appointed myself chief negotiator for a ransom ensuring his safe return.

And speaking of ransom, this is frankly the most inept kidnapping I've ever seen. What are you, stupid? Where are your demands? I'm impressed you’ve gotten this far; you’re obviously completely worthless even as a criminal, and probably don't have the huevos to chop off one of his fingers and mail it to anyone thusly proving you've got him alive.

I'll bet you wear a creepy black leather mask because you are hideously deformed too ... and that mask is stinky with the putrid stinky smell of your stinking cowardly stinkiness.

Whew –I could just imagine the smell in that thing.

Blech.