[LOBO]
Monday
Sunday
Limbaugh “Spears” New Republican Direction
Predator Press
[LOBO]
To address flagging confidence in the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh hopes to reinvigorate the American conservative youth by taking a page out of iconic pop culture.
-Limbaugh cites his only regret in this audacious new strategy “The Brazilian wax. O Holy Christ that hurt.”
Saturday
Predator Press Announces Ten-Year Middle East Peace Plan
Predator Press
[LOBO]
-See I’m not thinking of it as a Holy war or a charitable contribution to either side.
To the contrary, I’m sick of reading about every last one of ‘em.
But if we get the Israelis out of there for a while, the other lunatics will start killing each other instead: in ten years and nobody'll be left, and then we send the bastards back one happy Hanukkah with explicit instructions:
Stay the fuck out of the news for a few centuries, capiche? -so's we can get back to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
So picture: around 2:00 am one fateful morning we use a bunch of low-tech cropdusters and sedate the entire population of Gaza and the West Bank or whatever.
In fact we'll get that East Bank too.
-just to show those pricks we can.
Once out cold we round the whole Israeli population up, transport them via military cargo jets, and arrange them carefully over our exact replica of the Gaza Strip currently known as New Mexico.
This “New Gaza” is far too ambitious to be perfect: doubtlessly some Israelis will occasionally grow suspicious. Perhaps even homesick. But here's where the true genius of my plan comes in: we don’t give the Israelis any time to figure anything out.
Everything in “New Gaza” is rigged to detonate at some random point when no people are within a certain radius. Thus, just as they are starting to wonder where their enemies are, boom, an empty bus explodes. Sure you’re your map seems a little off … but just as you’re trying to locate the North Star, a cactus immediately to the left goes kablooey.
And every night as they curl up to sleep, the distant horizon will be a violent and spectacular pyrotechnic symphony.
For ten years, the Israelis'll sleep like babies.
We don't have to do this for free, either: over the years the disoriented Israelis are our "guests" we can put a great big magnet on a semi or a rail car and “steer” them geographically: by carefully changing the magnetic north on their compasses we could convince them their enemies are actually to the south, surreptitiously putting the Israelis on our Mexican border patrol -all without paying them a dime.
Oh come on ... what's one more measley desert to wander? Moses had 'em goin four times that long, and this one has gas stations!
Just think if Moses had scratch-off lottery tickets and microwave burritos: that whole "New Testament" thing might've been real different.
-I'm just sayin'.
[LOBO]-See I’m not thinking of it as a Holy war or a charitable contribution to either side.
To the contrary, I’m sick of reading about every last one of ‘em.
But if we get the Israelis out of there for a while, the other lunatics will start killing each other instead: in ten years and nobody'll be left, and then we send the bastards back one happy Hanukkah with explicit instructions:
So picture: around 2:00 am one fateful morning we use a bunch of low-tech cropdusters and sedate the entire population of Gaza and the West Bank or whatever.
In fact we'll get that East Bank too.
-just to show those pricks we can.
Once out cold we round the whole Israeli population up, transport them via military cargo jets, and arrange them carefully over our exact replica of the Gaza Strip currently known as New Mexico.This “New Gaza” is far too ambitious to be perfect: doubtlessly some Israelis will occasionally grow suspicious. Perhaps even homesick. But here's where the true genius of my plan comes in: we don’t give the Israelis any time to figure anything out.
Everything in “New Gaza” is rigged to detonate at some random point when no people are within a certain radius. Thus, just as they are starting to wonder where their enemies are, boom, an empty bus explodes. Sure you’re your map seems a little off … but just as you’re trying to locate the North Star, a cactus immediately to the left goes kablooey.
And every night as they curl up to sleep, the distant horizon will be a violent and spectacular pyrotechnic symphony.
For ten years, the Israelis'll sleep like babies.
We don't have to do this for free, either: over the years the disoriented Israelis are our "guests" we can put a great big magnet on a semi or a rail car and “steer” them geographically: by carefully changing the magnetic north on their compasses we could convince them their enemies are actually to the south, surreptitiously putting the Israelis on our Mexican border patrol -all without paying them a dime.
Oh come on ... what's one more measley desert to wander? Moses had 'em goin four times that long, and this one has gas stations!Just think if Moses had scratch-off lottery tickets and microwave burritos: that whole "New Testament" thing might've been real different.
-I'm just sayin'.
Wednesday
Bits of Tid
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"-that I'm sent from above. I'm not that innocent! Oops I did it again ... I played with your heart-"
Nurse Garrison lowers her stethoscope.
"You swallowed your iPod again, didn't you?"
"Maybe," I reply.
[LOBO]"-that I'm sent from above. I'm not that innocent! Oops I did it again ... I played with your heart-"
Nurse Garrison lowers her stethoscope.
"You swallowed your iPod again, didn't you?"
"Maybe," I reply.
Tuesday
Ask LOBO: How to Blog Part II
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Millions and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, "LOBO, how can I learn to blog good?"
Well I’m glad you asked me that.
See, the environment from which you blog can’t be taken seriously enough.
Obviously we can’t all blog like Diesel does -drinkin’ chardonnay and smokin’ cigars with all the leisure time in the world, insulated in the 57th-story penthouse of the Humor-Blogs skyscraper and guarded by an evil Ed Harris and a battery of deadly bikini-clad secretaries.
Nor can we like the much-beloved Doctor Toboggans -from the deep unmapped catacomby bowels of the Delta Medical Center, surrounded by cages of helpful serial killers and upbeat Wall Street executives.
From the surface level of the Earth one must take precautions lest the aliens read your unprotected terrestrial thoughts and suck out your blogging ideas -thus paving the way to the enslavement of Humankind in the blogging labor camps on Alpha Centauri.
And not just anybody can make a regulation foil fedora that blocks your brainwaves from interception: don't fall for rank amateur construction! Without the proper pyramidical dimensions, improper geometrical configurations can actually amplify valuable transmissions to the Evil Alien Omnocracy!
Further, one should probably start with a nice and quiet ergonomic space restricted explicitly for blogging.
And deploy a 3000-watt strobe light immediately.
-It confuses the zombies.
[LOBO]
Millions and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, "LOBO, how can I learn to blog good?"Well I’m glad you asked me that.
See, the environment from which you blog can’t be taken seriously enough.
Obviously we can’t all blog like Diesel does -drinkin’ chardonnay and smokin’ cigars with all the leisure time in the world, insulated in the 57th-story penthouse of the Humor-Blogs skyscraper and guarded by an evil Ed Harris and a battery of deadly bikini-clad secretaries.
Nor can we like the much-beloved Doctor Toboggans -from the deep unmapped catacomby bowels of the Delta Medical Center, surrounded by cages of helpful serial killers and upbeat Wall Street executives.
From the surface level of the Earth one must take precautions lest the aliens read your unprotected terrestrial thoughts and suck out your blogging ideas -thus paving the way to the enslavement of Humankind in the blogging labor camps on Alpha Centauri.
And not just anybody can make a regulation foil fedora that blocks your brainwaves from interception: don't fall for rank amateur construction! Without the proper pyramidical dimensions, improper geometrical configurations can actually amplify valuable transmissions to the Evil Alien Omnocracy!Further, one should probably start with a nice and quiet ergonomic space restricted explicitly for blogging.
And deploy a 3000-watt strobe light immediately.
-It confuses the zombies.
Monday
Children of the Spud
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I’m an optimist when it all boils down.
-I mean here I am faced with an economic apocalypse which will doubtlessly spiral America into a feudal and barbaric warlike state over control of ever-dwindling resources: cities will collapse and burn under the fleeting interests of growing dissonance and anarchy.
I think this would, in fact, finally catapult my career into high gear.
Now I’ve never actually been a feudal overlord before, so I may stop just short of that -you know, maybe I’ll spend a few weeks as an underlord so I can ‘learn the ropes.’
But ultimately -once I’ve re-unified all the global superpowers and voluntarily abdicated my throne- you won’t be able to throw a rock without hitting my movie or book deals. My biography will be all the rage, ‘an the poster will be me in some kind of crazy battle armor swinging a high-tech battleaxe with a scantily-clad Terri hangin on my bulging pectorals.
See?
Optimist.
But Northern Idaho stands poised to change all that.
See most people don’t put the words “evil” and “Idaho” together often. It’s true about me too: I just don’t care that much about foreign policy abroad, and tend to stick with domestic issues. Besides, sometimes I really question this whole prejudice against big scary "evil." I mean what has evil ever done to me?
-Nor do I think "Regular Joe" Americans really know Idaho’s rich heritage of blood-soaked serious evildoing. Even today Idaho grows potatoes. Hitler loved potatoes: a large part of Idaho’s economy is subtly intertwined with nourishing the Fuhrer (should he have survived).
It’s Prima Facie: the average Idahoan capacity for evil is underestimated and completely unregulated, and I don’t understand why we don't send our navy to bomb the crap out of that place before Don Lewis returns.
[LOBO]I’m an optimist when it all boils down.
-I mean here I am faced with an economic apocalypse which will doubtlessly spiral America into a feudal and barbaric warlike state over control of ever-dwindling resources: cities will collapse and burn under the fleeting interests of growing dissonance and anarchy.
I think this would, in fact, finally catapult my career into high gear.
Now I’ve never actually been a feudal overlord before, so I may stop just short of that -you know, maybe I’ll spend a few weeks as an underlord so I can ‘learn the ropes.’
But ultimately -once I’ve re-unified all the global superpowers and voluntarily abdicated my throne- you won’t be able to throw a rock without hitting my movie or book deals. My biography will be all the rage, ‘an the poster will be me in some kind of crazy battle armor swinging a high-tech battleaxe with a scantily-clad Terri hangin on my bulging pectorals.
See?
Optimist.
But Northern Idaho stands poised to change all that.
See most people don’t put the words “evil” and “Idaho” together often. It’s true about me too: I just don’t care that much about foreign policy abroad, and tend to stick with domestic issues. Besides, sometimes I really question this whole prejudice against big scary "evil." I mean what has evil ever done to me?-Nor do I think "Regular Joe" Americans really know Idaho’s rich heritage of blood-soaked serious evildoing. Even today Idaho grows potatoes. Hitler loved potatoes: a large part of Idaho’s economy is subtly intertwined with nourishing the Fuhrer (should he have survived).
It’s Prima Facie: the average Idahoan capacity for evil is underestimated and completely unregulated, and I don’t understand why we don't send our navy to bomb the crap out of that place before Don Lewis returns.
Sunday
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