An That's How I Saved Christmas

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"LOBO," says God.

"What?"

"What’s with all the humbug, bub?"

There’s no point in lying to the Infinite One: a natural consequence of a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past is subsequent visits from the Ghosts of Christmas Present and Future -and presumably in that order. In an effort to "get the drop" on the Ghost of Christmas Present, so far I’ve beat up the guy who reads the gas meter, two Jehovah’s Witnesses, and a surprisingly scrappy pizza delivery guy.

"I thought smiting pagans was what we were supposed to do," I says flatly.

"What pagans?"

"All these Christmas jerks!" I says.

"LOBO, Christmas is a good thing."

"Oh no," I says. "I ain’t falling for that old gag. Commandment number one is ‘Thou Shalt Put No Other Gods Before You’ … it’s right in the Charter. In the end you’re going to chuck all these Jesus people into the Lake of Fire to suffer for all Eternity … and I’m gonna be up there in Heaven laughin at ‘em with you."

"Hasn’t anyone explained the Holy Trinity to you?"

"Hey I’ve seen The Matrix movies like fifty times, and they’re twice as confusing as the Old Testament."

"Well I didn’t use Keanu Reeves for the Old Testament for that exact reason." There’s a Holy pause. ”What do you think of Nicolas Cage?”

"Meh," I says. "We need like a Brock Lesnar. You know, a big scary guy that can bust the heads of evil like superripe watermelons. 'Take that evil!' says Brock. Splat! -Ooo! How about Batman?"

"I thought about it," says God. "But there’s the whole image thing. I mean he dresses in all black, those pointy ears look kinda like horns. I just think it would confuse people."

"Have you read the Bible lately?"

"Good point."

"So we need a kinda normal looking guy, but somebody with that smoldering evil-smiting, Charles Hestony-thing going. Hmmm. How about Kevin Pollak? He was awesome in Deterrence."

"Too short."

"John Cusack?"

"No. He’s been walking a fine line with me since Pushing Tin."

"I got it," I says, snapping my fingers. "Bill Goldberg. I could totally see Bill Goldberg smashing Judas in the face with a steel chair."

"I like it," says God.

"Yeah," I says. "Bill Goldberg looks like the kind of guy you need. I can just imagine Delilah sneakin’ in to cut his hair, and him just showin’ her the back of his hand. ‘Now go bake me same damn cookies!’ he’d roar."

"You know LOBO, maybe you’re right. I’ve been too soft on everyone lately."

"Now that’s the no-nonsense Infinite Being we all know and love," I says. "Stop messing around with this ‘freewill’ and ‘forgiveness’ nonsense … it’s only stressing us out. There should be two settings for God: 'Happy' and 'Wood Chipper.' We need some oldschool fiery vengeful wrath. One strike, you’re out. No warnings, just pillars of salt, raining frogs 'an brimstone ... the works!"

"I really don’t think I need to go back to all that."

"Really?" I says. "Two words: Paris Hilton."

The ground trembles.

Wow that was cool.

"Or," I says thinking quickly. "How about Lindsay Lohan?"

A crack opens in the earth. Red fire and agonized screams spew out of it.

"Atta boy!" I says. "Now go get ‘em, Champ! Only you can prevent another Pauly Shore vehicle!"

T'was the Night Before Christmas

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Twas the night before Christmas
and I’m wide awake,
arraying the chimney
with beartraps and snakes;
the booby-trapped stockings
set with infinite care,
in hopes that fat bastard’ll
blow his hand off in there.

There arose such a clatter
up on my roof,
-and I’m sick of cleaning up
piles of froze reindeer poop!
I let loose a war cry
-a blood curdling scream-
and empty the contents
of my AR-15.

One two three four five
six seven eight nine
thumps from above tell me
I missed one this time.
“Oh Dasher, Oh Dancer”
cries a loud booming voice,
“LOBO this tears it.
You give me no choice!”

I empty a blast
at the source of the sound
-and another at a spot
I think he might bound
-but the fat man is spry
for all that it’s worth-
he evaded hot lead,
belying his girth.

Not a creature was stirring
as I reloaded my shells,
“I don’t want any trouble!”
I finally yells.
“Just leave all the toys,
and get the hell out
I don't want to send cops
on that long North Pole route!”

The back door exploded
in splinters and slag
and a blood-splattered Santa
in smoldering rags
was removing his coat
and rolling his sleeves
“This time,” says Santa,
“Only one of us leaves.”

We circle each other,
and I’m very alarmed.
I can’t believe
the size of his arms!
“Hey what gives?" I says stunned.
"You’ve been working out!
Where’s the ‘bowl full of jelly’
you trespassing lout?”

With a wink of an eye
and a twist of his head,
I know within moments
I will likely be dead.
Santa flicks his nose,
“You dumb blogging hack!
I’ve lost two hundred pounds
on my Nordic Track.”

"Old Mrs. Clause
must thing you're a riot"
I says, "and that Stetson cologne?
I'll bet she don't buy it."
"I wear nothing but Polo," he says.
"Don't even try it.
Now I'll pound you to pulp,
and then leave here real quiet.”

"If you think that's Polo,
age is taking it's toll,"
-that's when I did
a slick ninja-like roll,
and from under the sugar-plums
grab the control,
“Bring a knife to a gunfight?”
I says laughing. “How droll!”

Missile TOW missiles launched
from tubes placed discretely,
but Santa danced deftly
–they missed him completely.
One of them arched
so high and so true
It blew the poor neighbor’s place
clear out of view.

“LOBO let’s stop this.
You’ve blown up the Burkes!”
“To Hell with you Santa!
Those people were jerks!”
“I don’t understand
why this is unpleasant,”
Santa opens his arms.
“Especially since I brought you a present.”

“Really?” I says,
resisting suspicion.
I lower my bazooka.
“That was your mission?”
“Why sure!” says Santa.
“It’s from your mother.”
And when I looked in that hand,
he punched me with the other.

Electric pain flashes
all through my cap,
My nose must be broken,
completely smashed flat.
I stagger backwards.
“Santa, you’re dead!”
… But Rudolph, behind me,
clean kicked off my head.

It landed on a spike
three blocks away
and I could see where my body
dropped and lifelessly lay.
Up on the rooftop,
the reindeer all raised
to assume the mantle
of pulling The Sleigh.

As I lay dying
I heard Santa fly off
-and I spat blood and teeth
in my last final cough.
“On Dasher on Dancer,
and to Mrs. Clause praise!
-We need bulletproof vests
for the reindeer these days.”

Santa, still climbing,
resumed his long flight
-his sleigh silhouetted
against the cold lunar light-
and as it grew distant
and faded from sight,
I heard "Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good ... "




... I dunno ... I couldn't make out the rest.

Ghost of Christmas Past CAUGHT ON FILM!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Ghost of Christmas Past, sure maybe I’ve been a little scrooge-like this year.

-But you crossed a line with me buddy. And I’ve got film proving you broke in, knocked me out with my 31-pound stainless steel Franklin Mint Limited Edition Collector’s Replica #412 of the Millennium Falcon, chained me up, and made me listen to all of your horrible backwards Satanic songs!

Perplexed at how Diesel was preventing me from voting on Humor-Blogs, I devoted all efforts of my vast security network to catch him in the act.

-That’s right: I got a Nanny Cam. And this is just a sample of the 16 hours of horror I was subjected to:




I assure you Ghost of Christmas Past [GOCP] I've contacted all the proper Authorities and my lawyer is filing numerous torts and depositions even as we speak! And "Charles Dickens" ring a bell? Hm? That's not just the funniest sounding author ever anymore ... 'A Christmas Carol' is a blueprint for your whole operation!

If I were you, I would turn myself in immediately.

-Oh and BTW I've got a little "surprise" planned for the Ghost of Christmas Present:




(I sure hope he doesn't get Diesel instead.)

G.W.B.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Less than a week after we watched in horror as journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi tried to wang American President George W. Bush upside the head with a leather pair of size 10s, Predator Press has uncovered evidence that he was not, in fact, working alone.

“The forensic evidence of at least one additional shoe-thrower is overwhelming,” says a smart-looking guy in a lab coat. Taking a pen from his pocket, he points at the toe. “This is a very expensive soft leather. Where are the inevitable scuffs? Are we to believe this was some kind of scuffless ‘magic shoe’? Pfft. As if! The odds of such a shoe being hurled and not scuffed are somewhere in the vicinity of, like, a jillion-to-one.”

He continues on to dispute the now well-known footage: “Now watch the shoe tosses themselves. Both are hurled with high degrees of backspin, thusly creating a significant amount of aerodynamic [he makes quote marks in the air with his fingers] 'torque'. This causes what golfers call [he makes quote marks again] 'hook'."

"As you can see in this AutoCAD recreation of the trajectories, both peel back and to the left. This forces Bush to duck toward the right. It's all very scientific.”

When asked what bearing this had on the ongoing $154M investigation he responded, “Absolutely none whatsoever ... I've just never been on TV before.”


He pauses and waves.

"Hi mom!"

Oh, and About This Whole "Christmas" Thing ...

Predator Press

[LOBO]


Fingers pinching the bridge of my nose, I wince into them –but this does nothing practical to ease the pain.

They just keep going.

I can’t take it.

And going.

Please stop.

Finally I crack like an eggshell.

“For God’s sake, please STOP!”

Within seconds, the packed auditorium dwindles to a quieted state: a handful of Mrs. Tanner’s first grade class –still lost in song apparently- were among the last few to drift into silence.

And barring the puzzled murmurs of some 300 other parents that attended the South California Middle School Christmas Celebration Ball, there is a glorious absence of sound entirely.

“Excuse me?” says Mrs. Tanner from the side of the stage.

The kids are starin at me slackjawed.

“Ma’am,” I says. “I love Christmas just as much as anyone else. But so help me God if you make those kids do whatever that was again, I will kill you.”

“That was The Twelve Days of Chrismas,” she defends.

“No,” I says. “That was somebody smashing a 40-ounce beer bottle and jamming the pieces into my Frontal lobe.”

A fat blonde kid in front raises his hand. "Mrs Tanner-"

“Shut up!” I says, pointing at him wild-eyed.

I stand and approach the stage. “You!” I indicate the boy. “What’s your name?”

“Joseph,” he says.

“Joseph, do you have any idea what happens when you have twenty-two pipers piping simultaneously?”

Joseph just stares.

“And don’t get me started on-“ I count out some fast and furious math on my fingers, “thirty five golden rings? Oh holy Christ!”

“It’s just a song mister,” says Joseph.

“And you know what you do when you sing that song a full half an octave flat Joseph?” I lean down into his pudgy little still-asymmetrical face. “You make Santa cry.”

A tear streamed down Joseph’s cheek.

“Sir," snaps Mrs. Tanner. “They’re only six!"

I seize the clipboard from her hand. “That’s why I’m holding you entirely accountable.” Skimming her list, I begin “Oh lookit. Jingle Bells. How original.” I pause and glance at her. “You call yourself a professional? You didn’t even bother to put the ugly kids in the back row!”

Joseph wails.

“Shut up!” I repeat, already back to Mrs Tanner’s songlist. “A Hippopotamus for Christmas?” I guffaw. “Well that’s not even plausible ... !”

“Have you no soul?” cries Mrs. Tanner.

I shrug. “I got a jar of mayonnaise for it in 2003.”

Bullets to Spare

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Let’s say a complex unfixable issue in Section 36 will likely cause us all to die,” I says. “I would immediately say ’You know what Section 36? You guys are assholes!’”

I pause for a second, looking out the window for dramatic effect. “-and then Section 36 fixes the issue. Disaster is averted, and we all survive.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence.

Crap.

-I thought I was doing really well there.

“See,” I continue -hoping to recapture my previous inertia and maybe rescue the effort. “That’s the kind of job I need: a 'sexy, take chargy, top-secrety, lot's of cashy company jetty'-type job. And that’s why I think I am perfect for your company.”

“Sir,” he says blandly. “We make baby bottles here.”

“Seriously?”

If You Can't Beat Them ... Well ... THEN What?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Complainy, already a hard-core 16 year-old ‘texter,’ has probably already lost all ability to see anything further than eighteen inches from her face at this point.

-And glasses ain’t cheap.

“Would you just call those damned people already?” I demand. “You’ve been 'tiny-typing' them for hours!”

“You work on your blog for hours,” she says absently. “Why don’t you just call them?"

“Well I … ,” I begin. “Uhn, … "

“Actually talking to people is so passé,” she says, blue screenlight reflecting in her fixed brown eyes.

“People are not a mixture of minced meat and fat in the form of spreadable paste, generally made from a finely ground or chunky mixture of meats and liver and often generally enjoyed on crackers,” I remind her.

"That's pâté," she corrects.

“Nobody likes a smart ass," I retort. "And you can’t hold me responsible for that whole 'Arkansas' thing forever: I lost my wallet, and I certainly wasn’t going to catch a deer with two cans of 'Old Style.'”

-I pause for a second, rewinding the incident in my head.

“And that jerk was wearing A1 sauce,” I recall pounding my fist into the table. “He was askin’ for it!”

Complainy blinks at her phone. “Were you saying something dad?”

“Man what is wrong with you kids today?” I demand. “Back in my day, AC/DC was cool, Ozzy was evil, and Red Hot Chili Peppers was seasoning!”

“Really,” she says disinterested. “Wow.”

“And we respected our … !"

Uh-oh.

“Ah screw it,” I concede. “Just try to stay out of jail, okay?”