Predator Press Fantasy Football Team Not Shaping Up

Predator Press

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I halfway woke up at about 2:30 am, clicked on the television, and collapsed on the couch inexplicably prepared to watch a Beverly Hillbillies marathon.

Terri shook my shoulder. “Honey, why are you sleeping out here?”

“Not sleeping,” I mumbled. “Beverly Hillbillies.”

Glancing at the screen -still haphazardly split between the TV guide and the obscure cable channel- I realized the Beverly Hillbillies weren’t on anymore.

Almost two hours had passed.

“You’re burning up,” says Terri.

I was pouring sweat.

Four Tylenols later, she waddled me back to bed.

-I’m holding Eli Manning personally responsible for this.


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FEMA To New Orleans: Just Shut Up About It Already

Predator Press

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Fed up after years of criticism for badly botching the response to Hurricane Katrina, FEMA has issued a press release saying quote, “We’re sick of hearing it! All you Negative Nancys GET A LIFE!” immediately before slamming the door so hard the screen pane fell out.

This does not bode well for FEMA as FEMA owns a cat that is curious about going outside, and the neighborhood FEMA lives in is crawling with large and aggressive dogs that could easily jump their fences when sufficiently aggravated.

“See what you made us do?” yelled FEMA. “Now get the hell off of my property!”

New Orleans, shocked by this irrational and emotional display, released the following reply: “Screw you and that mangy cat. We have always hated that cat!”

Lee Majors Endorses $14.95 "Bionic Ear"

Predator Press

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Yes it's totally true.

There is now, in fact, a $14.95 Bionic Ear.

And I'm not even going to go into how pissed Steve Austin -astronaut- might have felt about being completely repaired for three easy payments of $39.95.

-I'm too jazzed to know I can now get cheap ears that can lift busses.

Hearts Are Cheap Worthless Crap

Predator Press

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Staggering out of a ten-hour white-knuckled shift at work can make fighting traffic on the way home a little, uh, tense ... I think I’ve sprained my middle finger, and that makes pulling the picket fence panels and lawn furniture out of my radiator grill very, very difficult.

And there’s nothing worse in this situation than screeching home to an empty, tranquil house -my heart is probably planning an attack out of the sheer annoyance of all this pulmonary regulation!

Luckily, I'm far too lazy for an all-out heart attack.

My heart would enter a couple of Sanctions. Tops maybe lobby for a trade tariff or two.

But that’s pretty much it.

Shaking the Cage: Part III

Predator Press

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I love it! Equate Actor Relief Lotion is just as good as any other lotion I’ve tried on my baby sensitive skin (and lotions tend to break me out). I've fooled myself into thinking that the more expensive the brand the better, but let me tell you Equate Actor Relief Lotion works like a charm! It’s sterile and hypoallergenic like most franchises, and it helps already normally hard-hitting scripts go totally soft on contact.

Rating: A+!!

(Also available in Matthew McConaughey and Gwyneth Paltrow)

Shaking the Cage: Part II

Predator Press

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Okay. I’ve spent half of the morning trying to figure out what triggered the recent infiltration of Nicolas Cage on Predator Press, and I think I’ve traced it back to seeing a commercial for Bangkok Dangerous.

It turns out Nicolas Cage is in it.

So then I spent the other half of the morning compiling a list of movies Nicolas Cage is not in: I got Steel Magnolias (1989), Stroker Ace (1983), The Blue Lagoon (1980) and The Ten Commandments (1956).

But I can’t vouch for the veracity of this list. There’s a scene in Steel Magnolias where Clariee Belcher –played supposedly by Olympia Dukakis- is swaggerin around in cowboy boots and a receding hairline so I’m not 100% convinced.

So what is the reason for his glaring absence in these movies? I don’t know. I suspect before 1985 either a) he was too young, or 2) Hollywood was still seething with people that couldn’t act twice as good as Nicolas Cage.

Well that's all changed now.

And following this logic to it’s linear extreme, I’m forced to face the fact that there is an extremely high likelihood that when LOBO: the Motion Picture gets made, Nicolas Cage will be in it. In fact, now that I’ve gone on an unprecedented two-post rant about him he will have to be.

This means I have to scrub all the current posters and trailers which feature the tagline “Nicolas Cage is not in this movie” prominently.

–and/or numerous times.


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Shaking the Cage

Predator Press

[LOBO]

First of all, I’m not really clear on why I’m so mad at Nicolas Cage.

I mean he did some great movies, right?

Right?

I mean there was Red Rock West and Con Air, and …

…um …

Wasn’t he in Armageddon?

No?

Alright. Then screw Nicolas Cage.

There isn’t enough room on this blog to complain at satisfactory levels about Nicholas Cage.

But this blog isn't about the proliferation of Nicolas Cage, nor the involuntary experience of seeing him everywhere.

Is it?

OMG Predator Press has just been infected by Nicolas Cage!

How the heck does he do that!?

-It's itchy!!!