Will Ferrell Edits of Colin Farrell Sex Tape Released

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SOMEONE GET ME ICEPICKS TO DEEPLY STAB MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS.

PLEASE.

NOW!!!!!!

Aftermath

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"Why do you keep screwing with Lindsay Lohan?" asks Nurse Garrison.

"Thut up!" I says.

"You realize she's pulled your tongue through your keyster, right?"

"Yeth I do, thankth."

The Final Conflict

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"Lohan," I says. "I knew it!"

"Look," says Lohan. "See this hand?"

She shows me her gloved left fist, and then punches me with her right.

"I have nothing to do with all this crap," says Lohan. "I don't even know who you are. Now please stop writing about me, before my agents sue you into the Middle Ages."

"You don't fool me Lohan!" I says, sobbing courageously. "Although I would really appreciate it if you stopped punching me."

"Get back up you wuss!" she screams, kicking me in the stomach. "You're not getting off that easy."

"RDO would never threaten to ignite the atmosphere and wipe out all Humankind!" I protest though broken teeth. "I would delete his entire Halo 3 profile!"

"What?" I hear from my watch. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh yeah I would, RDO," I says into the watch, spitting dental shrapnel. "Just try me."

"You would sacrifice all my Halo 3 achievements for that scubby little planet?"

"It's your call Miss Lohan," I says, openly weeping.

"I'm not done beating you yet," she says.

"I'll wait," says RDO.

Welcome to the Fall

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Now that it's virtually October, that means that one of my fave holidays is coming up.

Really, the only thing that sucks about Halloween is that it also means I finally gotta take down the Christmas Tree from last year.

I can reuse the coal and cinderblocks, but the razorwire has somehow lost it's gleaming holiday luster ...

This Land is My Land, This Land is My Land

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An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan


Lindsay Lohan,

According to a web site I found, the United States --currently embroiled in a debate over immigration-- has 20 million illegal aliens within her borders. Stormtroopers are already dancing in the streets of Tokyo! Why have you convinced everyone that RDO is poised to ignite the Earth's atmosphere and wipe it clean of all life whatsoever?

I don’t know what evil scheme you’re hatching, but you’re scaring the hell out of Tom Cruise.

George Clooney narrowly escaping death by having a particularly nasty swatch of speeding blacktop crash into him 'an his poor motorcycle has your earmarks all over it: you ain't foolin nobody ... and I'm onto your whole "E Coli-China toys-Van Halen-George Bush" conspiracy too.

But for God's sake, why the stripper pole at Nipples Italy?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why Lindsay?

Why?

Was Star Wars "Empire" Victim of Propaganda?

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Aging Van Halen Still Kicks Ass

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After squandering the prime of their musical careers over bickering, tantrums and infighting, Van Halen is once again trying to capture their unprecedented thunderous '80s inertia and screw the fans out of a few more bucks.

Van Roth is a strange and quixotic enigma, providing a groundbreaking musical genius fused with no professionalism whatsoever and a c'est la vie attitude toward their fans. This was punctuated loudly by ditching even their own induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year.

But the ever-inventive Van Roth has once again hatched a scheme to 'hold the ship together' long enough to squeeze out some new musical "art": this time they have wisely chosen to replace all the members with people that get along better

Don't get me wrong. I'm really excited that the guys will be picking up some new cars, summer homes, and "Mammoth" child support payments only previously achieved by NBA players. WTG and on with the show. But to be honest, I think I would have preferred a Pay-Per-View death match. You know, a "four men in, one comes out" kinda thing.

I think 'lil Wallety and I have other plans this year.