Tuesday
Michael Vick Sends Larry Craig Fruit Basket
Predator Press
"Oh Jesus God thank you Senator Craig. Am I crying?
Oh my God I'm crying. Thank you sweet Jesus!"
Oh my God I'm crying. Thank you sweet Jesus!"
Monday
Jesus: Michael Vick found WHO?
Predator Press
Jesus: LOBO.
LOBO: Oh holy crap. Jesus Christ, it's like 4 in the morning!
Jesus: Wake up and experience your VISION.
LOBO: I told you LAST time I only want visions after 10:00am.
Jesus: I know. But this one is really important.
LOBO: Like those bogus football picks you gave me last year? I lost everything I had except these lousy shares of Predator Press.
Jesus: Which kept both Ethan and Babs from taking over, right? Now your life is a Hellbound hedonistic adventure of being constantly wooed by rich, smarmy screwballs for controlling interest of the company.
LOBO: Yeah. Thanks. But seriously, you could call first.
Jesus: I heard Michael Vick 'found' Me today.
LOBO: Yeah well, so did David 'Son of Sam' Berkowitz. Let's just say when it comes to getting 'found,' Waldo's got you boned.
Jesus: Don't you think people 'finding' me after acts of unconscionable evil makes a mockery of my teachings and followers?
LOBO: I'll say. But without 'Forgiveness', there's no real motivation to straighten yourself up, is there? What's the point if there's no hope? And frankly, the Bible is chocked FULL of dismembered mutton.
Jesus: I think Michael Vick should seek forgiveness from Anubis first. THEN he should check with Me.
LOBO: So you're goin' Old Testament on his ass?
Jesus: Probably not.
LOBO: Jesus, I don't get it. At least a butcher kills something quickly. This guy got animals hacked up, and then melted them alive. Who wants to be in an 'afterlife' with monsters like that?
Jesus: We've got a different Heaven for David Berkowitz and Michael Vick.
LOBO: Really?
Jesus: Same Heaven really. But their servers all crash every 12-24 minutes.
Wednesday
How to Break Up With Gods
Predator Press
Dear Medusa,
I can't do this anymore.
It's not really about the obsession with sculpture, the bloody dandruff, or the thick scales stuck in the soap bar; I just really think we should start spitting and hissing at other people.
I will always remember the good times -like that time we tickled Sisyphus until he dropped his rock and he hadda start History all over- but we've grown in different directions, and I want my half of the direction our music collection has taken. And my Dean Koontz paperbacks.
We're just too different. I think we should just be friends. And I'm not good enough for you . . . you need to find someone who will treat you like you deserve being treated for.
It's not you; it's me.
Don't come by unexpectedly; my new girlfriend has a 'thing' for blindfolded mongooses.
Your Friend Always,
LOBO
Dear Medusa,I can't do this anymore.
It's not really about the obsession with sculpture, the bloody dandruff, or the thick scales stuck in the soap bar; I just really think we should start spitting and hissing at other people.
I will always remember the good times -like that time we tickled Sisyphus until he dropped his rock and he hadda start History all over- but we've grown in different directions, and I want my half of the direction our music collection has taken. And my Dean Koontz paperbacks.
We're just too different. I think we should just be friends. And I'm not good enough for you . . . you need to find someone who will treat you like you deserve being treated for.
It's not you; it's me.
Don't come by unexpectedly; my new girlfriend has a 'thing' for blindfolded mongooses.
Your Friend Always,
LOBO
Tuesday
Why Men Don't Talk
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"What do you mean 'where did I learn the Gale of a Million Butterflies?'" I says. "It's in the Kama Sutra. You know, history?"
Medusa spat and hissed.
"I happen to read a lot of history!"
[LOBO]"What do you mean 'where did I learn the Gale of a Million Butterflies?'" I says. "It's in the Kama Sutra. You know, history?"
Medusa spat and hissed.
"I happen to read a lot of history!"
Monday
China Offers Michael Vick Pet Food Endorsements
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"In promotion of our high moral standards and the wholesome nutritional value of our perfectly safe products," says corporate spokesman Chin Yan, "we feel that Michael Vick is ideal. And you won't hear any of our dogs complaining about it, either."
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