Saturday

Snow: 3 of 5 Polyps Already Debriefed on Iraq


Predator Press

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You know, I thought this idea was so funny I would finish it later.

I'm still laughing too hard.

Research Team Doesn't Know Harry Potter Ending

Predator Press

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“I’m only on chapter 12,” complains Doctor Franz Swaret. “Reading the Book on an iPhone can be a real pain in the gluteus maximus, if you catch my drift.”

When questioned why they were out in the brutal cold and what they were researching, the electronics specialist rolled a "20", scoring a critical hit against a berzerker with his +4 Sword of Bloodlust, killing it instantly.

It was then we said 'screw this story'.

It's freaking cold up here.

Friday

Cheney to Run Country During Bush Surgery



Predator Press

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During President Bush's colonoscopy, Dick Cheney will search for Weapons of Mass Destruction and victory in the Middle East.

Thursday

Predator Press Releases Fragrances

Predator Press

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We know that when you think Predator Press, you think romance; that's why we came out with our spiff new line of fragrances.

Predator Press Perfume ($19.99) has all the amorous scent and flavor of grilled pork chops and stuffing with half the calories; Predator Press Musk ($5.99) hints of creamy brown gravy drenched mushrooms and buttered biscuits.

Exclusive: VALERIE PLAME IS A SPY

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Valerie Plame screwed up our perfectly good exclusive today by admitting she was a spy in Federal Court.

We've known for weeks that she was a spy; it's written all over the bathroom wall at the White House.

And today, just as we're about to stuff this heaping helping of Truth down your gullet, she just flat out blurts "Hi. I'm Valerie Plane, and I'm a spy", right into cameras and microphones that broadcast it all over the world.

Seriously!

So we figure it's not a total loss, right? Maybe we'll be there to get the footage of when she leaps up and kills all them guys with a teeny concealed machine gun in her watch, or hurls a laserbeam stiletto hairpin into some important guy's heart. Or maybe she just vaporizes them with a satellite death ray, and escapes in a sports car that turns into a submarine! Hell, now that would be a pretty kickass story too. And it seems, after all, the least she could do after we've gone through all this trouble, right?

So what happens?

Nothing.

Thanks a lot Valerie.

WTF?

Michael Vick Falsely Accused of Dogfighting

Predator Press

We here at Predator Press rarely take part in "Investigative Reporting"; investigations tend to be lengthy and boring, and the reporting doubly so.

Still, when we found out that NFL star Michael Vick was under fire for alleged dogfighting, we were really intrigued.

But a preliminary examination of Micheal Vick's lavish pad produced exactly zero airplanes. None. Zip.

Hear that CNN?

The fact is, Michael Vick doesn't possess a current pilot's license, nor has he ever. And aside from 2 rather incriminating Red Baron frozen pepperoni pizzas and a conspicuously inordinate amount of bottled water and lava lamps, we uncovered absolutely nothing during the search to support these slanderous allegations. How can a man with no plane or pilot's license possibly engage in mortal air-to-air combat?

Hm?

Rowling Begins ‘Harry Potter and the Iron Lung’

Predator Press


Daniel Radcliffe, depicted left, has signed on to JK Rowling's final final installment in the Harry Potter series.

In this film, an incontinent Harry faces banishment from the AARP, and loses his health insurance for turning his AFLAC agent into a duck.

Radcliffe, busy trying to keep neighborhood kids off his lawn, declined comment.