Exclusive: VALERIE PLAME IS A SPY

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Valerie Plame screwed up our perfectly good exclusive today by admitting she was a spy in Federal Court.

We've known for weeks that she was a spy; it's written all over the bathroom wall at the White House.

And today, just as we're about to stuff this heaping helping of Truth down your gullet, she just flat out blurts "Hi. I'm Valerie Plane, and I'm a spy", right into cameras and microphones that broadcast it all over the world.

Seriously!

So we figure it's not a total loss, right? Maybe we'll be there to get the footage of when she leaps up and kills all them guys with a teeny concealed machine gun in her watch, or hurls a laserbeam stiletto hairpin into some important guy's heart. Or maybe she just vaporizes them with a satellite death ray, and escapes in a sports car that turns into a submarine! Hell, now that would be a pretty kickass story too. And it seems, after all, the least she could do after we've gone through all this trouble, right?

So what happens?

Nothing.

Thanks a lot Valerie.

WTF?

Michael Vick Falsely Accused of Dogfighting

Predator Press

We here at Predator Press rarely take part in "Investigative Reporting"; investigations tend to be lengthy and boring, and the reporting doubly so.

Still, when we found out that NFL star Michael Vick was under fire for alleged dogfighting, we were really intrigued.

But a preliminary examination of Micheal Vick's lavish pad produced exactly zero airplanes. None. Zip.

Hear that CNN?

The fact is, Michael Vick doesn't possess a current pilot's license, nor has he ever. And aside from 2 rather incriminating Red Baron frozen pepperoni pizzas and a conspicuously inordinate amount of bottled water and lava lamps, we uncovered absolutely nothing during the search to support these slanderous allegations. How can a man with no plane or pilot's license possibly engage in mortal air-to-air combat?

Hm?

Rowling Begins ‘Harry Potter and the Iron Lung’

Predator Press


Daniel Radcliffe, depicted left, has signed on to JK Rowling's final final installment in the Harry Potter series.

In this film, an incontinent Harry faces banishment from the AARP, and loses his health insurance for turning his AFLAC agent into a duck.

Radcliffe, busy trying to keep neighborhood kids off his lawn, declined comment.

Revenge-Seeking Paris Hilton to Record New Album

Predator Press


Paris Hilton, embittered by three weeks in prison, has re-entered the recording studio in order to exact her merciless vengeance upon Humankind.

On the condition of anonymity, a public relations executive from Apple --the iPod designer and manufacturer-- spoke with Predator Press immediately prior to his suicide. "Last week, we were worried about the liability when that kid almost got his head blown off by a lightning strike. Now this. I don't think even rampant iPhone profits will cover all the inevitable destruction and chaos."

Scientists from around the world are expressing agreement that the devastation will take on many forms besides the obvious economic ones. "We've linked last week's earthquake in Japan to the exact time Paris' sound checks were being done," explains noted physicist Stephen Hawking. "You know how a voice can shatter a glass? Well, picture busting God's glass, and spilling red wine all over His cosmic lapels!"

The EPA, distressed by the sudden flight of virtually all wildlife from the west coast, offered little comfort. "Let's put it this way," says Regional Director Alan Fremont. "We're so fucked, even the trees are leaning east."

Reports of mass immolations are pouring in, and human ears and bloody tufts of hair dot the streets between the broken bodies of jumpers. Bracing for shockwaves 'with the catastrophic potential to crack the planet in two', FEMA, the Peace Corps, and the National Guard have been recalled from all over the globe so they may spend their final days on Earth distributing contaminated ice with their friends and loved ones.

"We survived Yoko Ono, Paul Stanley's solo album, and the last few years of the Rolling Stones," says a homeward-bound missionary. "I was almost starting to think we had a chance."

Amy Polumbo Out, New Jersey Runner-Up Crowned

Predator Press

Shocked at Amy Polumbo's scandalous admission that she is 'not a robot', the committee in charge of New Jersey's beauty pageant reacted with her swift and immediate disqualification.

"Look," points out a judge. "Everyone knows the first sign that someone is indeed a robot is when they deny being a robot."

"That techno-floozy has a proven history of circulating her tawdry schematics," cites another official. "We have numerous photos of her publicly rubbing hydraulic fluid into her chassis, and completely removing her service panels at large drunken MIT frat parties."

"It really came down to her behavior," he explains. "When you think of New Jersey, we want you to think 'Garden State', not 'common filthy Popular Mechanics whore'."

The new Miss New Jersey, Rosie Reuboux, was unavailable for comment.

Boeing: Dreamliner Technology 'Crash-Resistant'

Predator Press

Press Release: I Am Definitely NOT 'The Emperor'

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As an official diplomat of the vast country of LOBOnia, I would quickly like to point out that I have never uttered the words, "I am The Emperor and I'm here to take over state government".

Just to be clear, that would have been crazy.

LOBOnia is a peace-loving nation of people that often go to great efforts in pursuit of not getting beaten up or shot; "Chancellor" is maybe more along the lines of what we were getting at.

You know, something fun.