Predator Press
Paris Hilton, embittered by three weeks in prison, has re-entered the recording studio in order to exact her merciless vengeance upon Humankind.
On the condition of anonymity, a public relations executive from Apple --the iPod designer and manufacturer-- spoke with
Predator Press immediately prior to his suicide. "Last week, we were worried about the liability when that kid almost got his head blown off by a lightning strike. Now
this. I don't think even rampant iPhone profits will cover all the inevitable destruction and chaos."
Scientists from around the world are expressing agreement that the devastation will take on many forms
besides the obvious economic ones. "We've linked last week's earthquake in Japan to the exact time Paris' sound checks were being done," explains noted physicist Stephen Hawking. "You know how a voice can shatter a glass? Well, picture busting
God's glass, and spilling red wine all over His cosmic lapels!"
The EPA, distressed by the sudden flight of virtually all wildlife from the west coast, offered little comfort. "Let's put it this way," says Regional Director Alan Fremont. "We're so fucked, even the
trees are leaning east."
Reports of mass immolations are pouring in, and human ears and bloody tufts of hair dot the streets between the broken bodies of jumpers. Bracing for shockwaves 'with the catastrophic potential to crack the planet in two', FEMA, the Peace Corps, and the National Guard have been recalled from all over the globe so they may spend their final days on Earth distributing contaminated ice with their friends and loved ones.
"We survived Yoko Ono, Paul Stanley's solo album, and the last few years of the Rolling Stones," says a homeward-bound missionary. "I was almost starting to think we had a chance."
We here at Predator Press rarely take part in "Investigative Reporting"; investigations tend to be lengthy and boring, and the reporting doubly so.
