Predator Press
[LOBO]
Okay, fine. I was supposed to relieve Max, Brighta and Vetter from guard duty at six in the morning.
Wednesday.
But when I showed up Friday night, those stinky fucks were all sleeping!
"Wake up you lazy bastards!" I says, kicking them.
"LOBO," exclaims Brighta. "Oh please God tell me you brought food--!"
"Yes Brighta," I says. "We will have many talks and committee meetings over your obviously deficient work ethic, your inability to score any action beyond 'Butter-Faces' in bars, and your overall bitchy attitude towards guard duty in the future. But enough about your passive-aggressiveness due to latent homosexuality!" I turn on my holographic belt buckle. "Predator Press is bring robbed."
They stare in amazement at the beamed images.
"Wow," says Max. "That's really cool."
"It was $11.99 at a Best Buy in Dallas," I says. "But I think I got the last one."
"Is it that guy behind Cobe?" asks Brighta, pointing at a holographic Cobe walking fast as a jogger overtakes him.
"No," says Max. "It is Cobe."
"No fuckin way!" says Brighta.
"Yes Brighta," Max says calmly. "Look behind his left ear."
"It's a pencil," says Brighta, squinting. "Is it some special 'Secret Project' pencil?"
"No," I interrupt. "It was a goddamned authentic Predator Press #2 pencil, and it came right out of this here box." I flip it open. "See? There's only four left."
Brighta stares.
"Four," I demand, "out of a box of ten?"
"Watch," says Max.
Cobe walks right past his own luxury car, and opens the twin doors of a 53' semi trailer.
Like 10,000 #2 pencils spill into the road.
"I ask you," I says, staring at Max. "How exactly am I supposed to get Nelson Mandela to testify for Paris's release with this going on?"
"Well," says Max, "Don't let him fucking shop at Best Buy, for one."
Sunday
Wednesday
With Malice of Thought
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Let me get this straight," says Nurse Garrison, looking out at me over her glasses. "Lindsay Lohan lopped your arm off?"
"Check," I says.
"You realize that your insurance doesn't cover prosthetics."
"I thought you said we had Mr Insanity frozen in a block of carbonite."
"I did," says Nurse Garrison.
"Well, I don't really see him signing anything soon, do you?"
"You're a monster," she replies.
"Fuck off!" I says.
I hate HMOs.
Tuesday
Jedi Woodshed
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"LOBO," says Lindsay Lohan, extending her lightsaber. "You are plotting to use drugs to fund an intergalactic Empire, and thus have fallen to the Dark Side."
"Yeah, so?" I says. "What about the 'Grateful Dead'? And Pfizer? And Twinkies for that matter?"
"You may have beaten my Time-Traveling Ninja Bodyguards," she continues, "but I emailed George Lucas today; when he finds out about all these copyright infringements, he's gonna sue you down to your socks!" She rubs her thumb across her fingertips, and then blows on them. "Predator Press is finished."
"WHORE!" I scream, viciously swinging my, uh, 'lit up, pointy-stick' ...
[LOBO]
"LOBO," says Lindsay Lohan, extending her lightsaber. "You are plotting to use drugs to fund an intergalactic Empire, and thus have fallen to the Dark Side."
"Yeah, so?" I says. "What about the 'Grateful Dead'? And Pfizer? And Twinkies for that matter?"
"You may have beaten my Time-Traveling Ninja Bodyguards," she continues, "but I emailed George Lucas today; when he finds out about all these copyright infringements, he's gonna sue you down to your socks!" She rubs her thumb across her fingertips, and then blows on them. "Predator Press is finished."
"WHORE!" I scream, viciously swinging my, uh, 'lit up, pointy-stick' ...
Sunday
Rock Bottom
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"What happened?" says me.
"I gave the FDA a sample of OxyCaine," says Ethan. "Two hours later, the FDA headquarters burned to the ground."
"Who's the guy in the cage?"
"That's Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D.," says Ethan. "The head of the FDA."
Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D., wearing nothing except a tie and an argyle sock on his left foot, reckognizes his name and peers out hopefully.
"Yech," says Ethan. "Make him put on some underwear before he pokes someone's eye out."
I reach into the cage, and scratch behind his ear. "He doesn't seem so bad."
"Well," says Ethan, "without his approval, we can't sell this crap."
"Who's a good boy?" I says in my puppy voice while scratching Andy's neck. "Why you are!" I says. I hold up some pills by his nose. "Iszoo gonna 'prove Ethan's feely-good pills?"
Drooling sloppily, Andy nodded an effusive yes.
"I gotta tell you Ethan," I says, tossing the pills into the corner of the cage as Andy bounded after them. "I don't think this is as complicated as you do."
[LOBO]
"What happened?" says me.
"I gave the FDA a sample of OxyCaine," says Ethan. "Two hours later, the FDA headquarters burned to the ground."
"Who's the guy in the cage?"
"That's Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D.," says Ethan. "The head of the FDA."
Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D., wearing nothing except a tie and an argyle sock on his left foot, reckognizes his name and peers out hopefully.
"Yech," says Ethan. "Make him put on some underwear before he pokes someone's eye out."
I reach into the cage, and scratch behind his ear. "He doesn't seem so bad."
"Well," says Ethan, "without his approval, we can't sell this crap."
"Who's a good boy?" I says in my puppy voice while scratching Andy's neck. "Why you are!" I says. I hold up some pills by his nose. "Iszoo gonna 'prove Ethan's feely-good pills?"
Drooling sloppily, Andy nodded an effusive yes.
"I gotta tell you Ethan," I says, tossing the pills into the corner of the cage as Andy bounded after them. "I don't think this is as complicated as you do."
Saturday
This is Your Brain on Drugs and Ruining My Carpet
Predator Press
[Mr Insanity]
“Is it addictive?” asks the President of the Food and Drug Administration over the speaker.
“Not at all,” replies Ethan. “OxyCaine lodges itself in the pleasure center of the brain and, eh, 'improves the efficiency the circuitry’ if you will, on a completely permanent basis. Who would want to increase dosage for that?”
“Are there any side effects?”.
“No, no,” Ethan says into the speakerphone. “Other than feeling and acting like a pretentious ass all the time, an intense enormous 24-7 erection and losing ten pounds a month like it or not, there are no side effects whatsoever.”
There’s a brief silence.
Then finally, “Um, can I get some samples before I make my decision?”
[Mr Insanity]
“Is it addictive?” asks the President of the Food and Drug Administration over the speaker.
“Not at all,” replies Ethan. “OxyCaine lodges itself in the pleasure center of the brain and, eh, 'improves the efficiency the circuitry’ if you will, on a completely permanent basis. Who would want to increase dosage for that?”
“Are there any side effects?”.
“No, no,” Ethan says into the speakerphone. “Other than feeling and acting like a pretentious ass all the time, an intense enormous 24-7 erection and losing ten pounds a month like it or not, there are no side effects whatsoever.”
There’s a brief silence.
Then finally, “Um, can I get some samples before I make my decision?”
Predator Press Interviews: Sheriff Lee Baca
Predator Press
LOBO: So you're the heroic cop that vainly tried to free our beloved Princess?
Baca: No, I'm not.
LOBO: You're not Sheriff Lee Baca?
Baca: Uh-uh.
LOBO: Hm. That's weird. You do look familiar though. Hey, aren't you that shaved Wookie that sold me that crappy Timeshare on Kashyyyk?
Baca: Nope. But for your information, throughout history the Timeshare has repeatedly demonstrated startling gains in equity.
LOBO: It was on a volcano.
Baca: I'll bet the view was spectacular.
LOBO: I hadda flush the toilet water every thirty minutes to keep it from boiling.
Baca: Look, I'm a Sheriff in Los Angeles. I can't just drop everything and fly to Kashyyyk every time a tenant has a plumbing issue.
LOBO: I thought you said you weren't Sheriff Lee Baca.
Baca: No I didn't.
LOBO: Ever heard of OxyCaine?
Baca: Nope. And it's absolutely legal to sell it to kids until I do.
LOBO: So what motivated you to free Paris?
Baca: I thought she was hot.
LOBO: So Sheriff, you're admitting on Predator Press that you that tend to pull people over in an effort to get dates?
Baca: Why are you calling me Sheriff?
LOBO: Ah, hm. Well, you got any interests or hobbies?
Baca: Well, I do occasionally umpire for Little League baseball. It's in my contract with Gillette.
LOBO: So you're the heroic cop that vainly tried to free our beloved Princess?Baca: No, I'm not.
LOBO: You're not Sheriff Lee Baca?
Baca: Uh-uh.
LOBO: Hm. That's weird. You do look familiar though. Hey, aren't you that shaved Wookie that sold me that crappy Timeshare on Kashyyyk?
Baca: Nope. But for your information, throughout history the Timeshare has repeatedly demonstrated startling gains in equity.
LOBO: It was on a volcano.
Baca: I'll bet the view was spectacular.
LOBO: I hadda flush the toilet water every thirty minutes to keep it from boiling.
Baca: Look, I'm a Sheriff in Los Angeles. I can't just drop everything and fly to Kashyyyk every time a tenant has a plumbing issue.
LOBO: I thought you said you weren't Sheriff Lee Baca.
Baca: No I didn't.
LOBO: Ever heard of OxyCaine?
Baca: Nope. And it's absolutely legal to sell it to kids until I do.
LOBO: So what motivated you to free Paris?
Baca: I thought she was hot.
LOBO: So Sheriff, you're admitting on Predator Press that you that tend to pull people over in an effort to get dates?
Baca: Why are you calling me Sheriff?
LOBO: Ah, hm. Well, you got any interests or hobbies?
Baca: Well, I do occasionally umpire for Little League baseball. It's in my contract with Gillette.
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