Ox Nuts: The Pilot Episode

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

"Oh Ox Nuts, my love," cries Gwendolyn. "The ocean is so vast, and yet here it is, for us and us only. Our love is captured forever in this meaningless, private moment on a magnificent beach." She unties her flowing, golden hair. "Even the stars have turned away from us tonight. Take me now, you savage lustful beast! Before you are captured." Her flimsy clothing slips over her pointed nipples, her curves, finally falling around her bejewelled ankles. "I want to have experienced your mighty passion, so I can remember it fondly while you are tortured and executed by my abusive boyfriend, the vile Prince of Zanzibar. Oh Ox Nuts, ride me like a wild stallion ..."

Ox Nuts and the Vile Prince of Zanzibar

Predator Press

[LOBO]

he Vile Prince of Zanzibar, a mirror in each hand, peered from every angle he could imagine.

"It makes me look small, doesn't it?"

"Did you want us to make you a small throne so you look larger?"

The Prince's eyes flashed. "Mind your tongue, or you may not keep it," he warned. "But this throne definitely makes me look tiny. I want everyone in Zanzibar familiar with the concept of geometry executed."

"Yeah. Sure," shrugged the advisor. "I'll get right on that. Meanwhile I do have some good news."

"I love good news!" cried the prince. "Is it a pony?"

"We have captured the scourge Ox Nuts!"

Just then the doors flew open, and horrible screeching sound filled the throne room. Ox Nuts twisted his impossibly wide shoulders to enter. Each wrist was chained to a separate ship anchor that dragged noisily as he walked.

"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed the prince.

"Indeed," the advisor nodded. "What shall we do with him?"

"Execute him. In fact, new rule: 'No more non-executed prisoners in the throne room.'"

***

Mortal men usually die within few hours, but Ox Nuts was tortured for forty days and forty nights. This caused many Union infractions, and was finally growing on the prince's last nerve.

"Why do we have to execute him in the throne room?" the prince demanded. "If I hear 'kootchy-kootchy-koo' one more time ..."

"I have an idea," said the advisor. The cloaked man in black seemed to flow eerily to the executioner's ear, and from his pocket he produced something the mere sight of which made the gasping Ox Nuts groan.

A feather.

"I am loosing my patience. Perhaps we have been too hospitable to out guest," soothed the advisor in a reptilian laced quip, waving the quill gracefully. "Remove his shoes."

-But Ox Nuts was ready. Once he was barefoot, he grabbed the executioner's neck in one foot, and ripped off the top of his skull with the other. Then he scooped out the executioner's brains in one mighty toenail, and jammed them into the advisor's eyes, blinding him.

"Eeyew!" cried the blinded advisor.

Surging with new-found strength, Ox Nuts rose to his bloody, brain-splattered feet. And dragging the anchors chained to his wrists, he took another step to the throne.

"Where's the girl?" he growled, his sepulchral voice could be felt in the marble floor.

"Do you think I a fool?" the Vile Prince laughed. "If you harm me, you will never find her!"

Another screeching step.

Ox Nuts' muscles bulged, and he lunged one anchor significantly further.  The marble cracked all the way to the prince's flip flops.

"I'll bet she is in your iPhone" Ox Nuts glowered.

"Okay okay fine," said the Vile Prince, flipping through his contacts. "I was just kidding.  Here.  I will put her on speakerphone."

The phone rang.

"What now Larry?"

"Honey. It's the Vile Prince of Zanzibar. Remember what I said about when we were on speakerphone?"

"Whatever Larry."

"Honey, uh, there's someone in the throne room that wants to see you."

"Well I just painted my toenails. Plus I am shopping on QVC. I just bought a limited collection of porcelain dolphins that will look splendid in our QVC storage unit. And did you know Kim Kardahian had her baby? The sink is still dripping and all the murderholes are clogged with leaves. What ever happened to that television show 'The Facts of Life?' I really like Tutti ..."

"Gwendolyn," said Ox Nuts, straining another step. "It is I, Ox Nuts. I am here to rescue you from the Vile Prince of Zanzibar."

"Well I won't have time to shave my legs. But I can pluck my eyebrows right? I mean I will save time since I don't need to put panties on. Should I go with an elegant flowing princess gown with a tiara and maybe some tasteful bracelets? Or something like a hot tomboy tough girl, ready for adventure? I just BeDazzled a skull onto this really cute denim vest. But I don't know what kind of shoes to wear with it. I should just go with boots probably ... "

Another step.

Ox Nuts glowered. "If you touched her, I will make your suffering legendary."

"Ox Nuts I'm fine. He's my husband. He can't touch me. Larry made up the whole prince thing because he was trying to trap me in an affair."

"I will make your suffering legendary," the Vile Prince repeated, mockingly. "Meh. Where do you get your dialog? Rent-a-Center? You are about to kill your nemesis and rescue the girl. This is the best you can do? I mean there are dozens of people here to witness this history."

"Yes. Make in impression" Gwendolyn advised.  "Say something authoritative and menacing like, 'My vagina hurts.  The rest of you guys are going to have to settle for blow jobs.'"

If You're Mad At Paula Deen, Meet My Dad

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The only time I can recall dropping an "N-Bomb" was in the heat of a fistfight -one that I lost- when I was about fourteen years old.  For reasons never explained a guy sucker-punched me on a bus, and I pounced him.  Shocked, adrenaline-feuled, and furious beyond rationale, pow, out it came.  All the oxygen seemed to be suddenly sucked out of the vehicle.  Time stopped, and that word just hung there, palpable and malignant in the ether.  I was so mortified at hearing myself say it I kinda threw the fight, feeling like I deserved to get my ass kicked.  And boy did I ever.  (Note to self: pick more prudent times to be stricken with guilt.)

Even at the time, it wasn't in my lexicon.  My dad and stepmom were (are? more on this later) vehement racists -my dad in particular- so I most certainly was exposed to it.  But dad lost custody to my "birth" mother when I was six or so.  Mom, in weird contrast, was the first of her migrant family to be actually born in the United States, and as a consequence she was definitely not down with the whole racism thing.  In retrospect I don't know how those two crazy kids got together in the first place.  A quasi "foreigner" herself, not only did she suffer her own racial discrimination issues, but she was among the first women trying to break into the workforce vis-à-vis "Mad Men."  Working for a sexual harassment factory posing as a law firm, she returned us to the cultural squish of Chicago where I was born and raised. There, I made friends with every race and nationality imaginable -hence underlining the horror and deep regret of my action.

The last time I saw my dad's side of the family was maybe ten years ago, and I regret to inform you some of them were just as racist as ever.  Dad was a perplexing and textured cat: a former Chicago cop that passionately hates cops, and a white supremacist that had black friends who were aware he was a white supremacist.  As a decorated Chicago cop, he fought the Mob until a crime lord threatened his family, i.e. my mom (his first wife) and the toddling bundle of joy aka yours truly.  Legend has it he set his badge on the Mob guy's desk and walked away from the force, never looking back.  He would also go on to sell his house and go into bankruptcy in the bitter custody battle over me which he would subsequently lose.

I speak of him in a past tense now as I'm not sure he's even alive; he got so fed up with the country he bought a large piece of property on an Arkansas mountain, and a whole chunk of that family side sort of just receded into it.  To imagine him in a rocking chair, shotgun cradled in his arm, waiting for a hapless "revenuer" to wander up to his doorstep is not far-fetched; that single visit was anachronistic to the point that it was cartoony.  And that I don't share his views shamed him I think.  I have on numerous occasions amused myself with the idea of getting a black woman in a police uniform to go there with me and introduce her as my wife.  Hellooo, life insurance!

So let's not kid ourselves.  That culture, as back-assward as it seems today, is still out there. And Paula Deen's situation, on the face, might not seem that different than mine other than she didn't make the conscious effort to take herself out of it that I did.  She is also much (much!) older, so one could argue I had an easier time than she might have.

But the idea of hosting cotillion-like events replicating that whole ugly era is utterly bizarre.  I suppose it may have some historic value and tradition, but it borderlines being insensitive if not outright distasteful, thusly magnifying anything she can claim would have been a simple "youthful indiscretion."  Why people don't just emulate something more neutral puzzles me.  If you're not racist, why look, act, and dress like one for fun?  Even if bigotry is sincerely the furthest thing from her mind, wouldn't anyone with a double-digit I.Q. recognize she is asking for trouble?  Go get really jazzed up about something else like the Monroe Doctrine instead.  "Hooray for the 1854 Kansas-Nebraska Act!" has a nice ring to it.

Unfortunately, that won't work either.  America was arguably founded in 1776 and the Civil Rights movement wasn't until 200 years later.  That only leaves 20% of American history to draw from -and if you count a certain compound on a remote Arkansas mountainside, you have 0.

So Paula, please enjoy your "Smurfs 2"-themed wedding.  Don't tell any midget Avatar jokes.  And sprinkle in frequent  "I'm sorrys" to all who participate and attend.

Like I do for my do for my dad.

All Ball

-or "The Miracle of the Toaster"

Predator Press  

There was a point that I loved college. But I started getting involved in the more political aspects, the economics, the teacher unions -cumulatively this proved very disillusioning. The closer I got to the underbelly, the beloved altruism of academia gave way to the petty motives of the once-respected peers. In search of Superman, I accidentally discovered Clark Kent.

This had far-reaching ripple effects, mostly bad, on the rest of my life. I would no longer go to concerts or seek personal information on my favorite artists in fear of finding something negative that might change my opinion. Deep cynicism and mistrust seeped and eroded into a sort of boredom and malaise of humanity. For decades, I have so badly wanted that that exuberance and optimism back, and yet it escaped me;  I ached to find something truly new and marvelous.  But through the lenses I perceive the world there is little but self interest, and this blog is sort of an expression, a parody, maybe a metaphor of that; "LOBO" is written as a five year old child, devoid of a sense of consequence to action. Neither good nor evil, LOBO acts on the razor-edge Existential plane of exactly "here and now."

But that's just too depressing a conclusion.

-There must be something redeemable about existence beyond the general experience of it.

Right?

As a menial industrial minion of a book warehouse, I am allowed to listen to an iPod while doing my mind-numbingly dull job. And I find myself listening to highly-randomized lectures supplied by iTunesU. Recently, I rolled my eyes as Marshall Brain released one on how a toaster works.

But it turned out to be pretty interesting.

In fact it got me thinking. Maybe turning on ESPN Sports Center or going down the rabbit hole of news and fiction of my choice is the problem.

-Perhaps our "comfort zones" are just too comfortable for our own good.

Dwane "The Rock" Johnson Gets Tattooz To Impersonate Me

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Edward Snowden Leaks ULTIMATE "Making of Star Wars, Original Trilogy" To Kim Kardashian's Baby

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Would You Lazy Criminals Please Ratchet It Up So I Can Get To Work?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I was in a heightened state of agitation with America well before details of America's PRISM program got leaked.  How many heroic and lucrative speed traps have you seen over the past ten years while those three little girls remained prisoners of Ariel Casto?  Why is Chicago, bankrupt and infested with murderous gang members, preoccupied with an effort to ban plastic bags?  What the Hell is going on here?  If I wrote this as a fiction story a month ago, anyone that read it would consider it paranoid and laughable -a bizarre alternate universe where Amanda Bynes is in charge. Every time I see Air Force One land, I half expect an impossible number of clowns to tumble out.

Everything comes down to money.  There's no revenue in busting up meth labs, solving crimes, and protecting American Society.  Sure those "real" criminals -seriously dangerous threats- might have a few bucks to confiscate, but that's a one-shot deal.  Then you would have to incarcerate them, something expensive in itself.  It's much more prudent to harvest us as we hurry to get to our jobs to pay taxes and fund this whole Ponzi scheme.  We have credit cards and mortgages, something at stake.  It's very clever if you think about it: you don't kill a cow to get milk.

-We hired a security team to fuck with ourselves?

A Long Time Ago On An Armchair Far, Far Away ...

 

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Like any other Star Wars fan, I have been "chasing the dragon" for another good movie since The Empire Strikes Back.  And in anticipation of my next "fix," I find myself occasionally tracking news on the next film.

Plot rumors aside I know Disney purchased the franchise, and this move has come with mixed reviews from die hard fans.  But I'm fine with that personally.  Disney is a class act.  And if you dig into Disney's food chain deep enough, you'll find Quentin Tarantino; Disney is perfectly capable of delivering a darker vehicle than the fluff we have been getting for decades.

I have also confirmed the production company Bad Robot -whose resume includes little-known projects such as Cloverfield and Lost- is onboard.  Toss in J.J. Abrams, and I am growing cautiously optimistic.  And as a recovering Star Wars-oholic on my 9th step ("Making Amends"), I have George Lucas on speed dial.

But as for my next injection of the saga, I'm not exactly tying the rubber strap to my upper arm just yet.  The problem with the series evolution as it stands, in my opinion, is centered around a failure in character development, and -perhaps even moreover- casting.  The serendipitous and captivating personalities developed by Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, et cetera, have given way to unwarranted celebrity cameos.  If you recall, even the beloved and cantankerous Millennium Falcon had a personality ... but everyone since that original cast might as well be wearing "good guy" and "bad guy" nametags.  We need more character complexity and nuance; no one has been particularly memorable -at least not in a good way.  Perhaps this is an unwanted byproduct of playing against a blue screen instead of using actual sets.

And speaking of that, I also want the original "feel," back.  It's too polished now, sort of devolving into a CGI special effects catalog.  It was better when the universe of Star Wars seemed like a rental apartment -the Matrix-esque gloss is inescapable.  I like that the ships and droids looked all banged up.  People looked tired and well-worn.  It was a used, "lived in" universe, simultaneously textured with haggard decline and rebirth in random patches.  Like real life.

Ironically, technology seems to have made Star Wars lose its soul.

On This Day In Predator Press History

Predator Press

[LOBO]

On August 25, 1980, while General Zod made his play for control of the Earth, I wore down Ursa's morale by covering her MySpace with anonymous obscenities and slanderous allegations about her sexual proclivities; General Zod had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and this undermined his entire military effort.

Thanks to me (and a small supporting role by Superman), Zod, his "army," and his hairline were all soon receding into the furthest reaches of outer space.

And can you really be a "general" if your entire army is only three people?

-Pthbttt. As if!

Could Jesus Take Mike Tyson?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Once again, at no small expense to you, we here at Predator Press have set out to settle an age-old question burning in everyone’s mind: Could Jesus take Mike Tyson?





Records:

“Iron” Mike Tyson: First heavyweight boxer to simultaneously hold (and only Heavyweight to individually unify) the WBA, WBC and IBF titles.





Jesus Christ: Messiah, King of Kings, Lamb of God.




Advantage: Jesus

Weight:

We’re going to make the assumption that both competitors are in their prime. This means that Tyson, a heavyweight at 220 pounds, might have an edge on our rock-ribbed Messiah who is oft depicted as being on the lighter end of the weight class spectrum and could walk on water. Minus definitive height information, we’re going to call JC a welterweight.

But larger size comes at the expense of energy and speed. JC’s leaner build makes him more efficient. If JC could avoid any serious blows in the first few rounds, Tyson would likely have expended himself physically fairly early on. Couple this strategy with JC consistently working the body, and over a long enough timeline Tyson’s condition would diminish, making him vulnerable in later rounds.

Advantage: Jesus


Speed:

There’s no real need to mince about on this one. Tyson won his first 19 fights by knockout, and 14 of those were knockouts in the first round. However according to the Bible, Jesus moonlights from his Messiah gig as a prophet; thus, no matter how fast Tyson is, JC is going to be way ahead, anticipating where and when to block, dodge, and counterpunch.

Advantage: Jesus

Intangibles:

While there’s technically nothing in official boxing rules regarding torrents of frogs and plagues of locusts, one must factor in potential supernatural activities including interference by JC’s Dad.  God, while often taking a “hands off” approach to parenting, has also historically demonstrated Himself to be ill-tempered [see Sodom, Gomorrah]. In fact if the fight is to occur in Las Vegas, I am simply going to watch it on Pay-Per-View.

Other troublesome considerations are JC’s pacifist nature and tendency to “turn the other cheek,” something Tyson would most certainly exploit. Countering this, however, is JC’s ability to heal: JC was often cited for curing disease, blindness, et cetera.  But it is unclear whether he could use this ability on himself.  Would boxing gloves create an insulation rendering the “Laying on Hands” impossible? Or worse, what if Tyson is being healed by every blow, or sheer or proximity?

Advantage: Jesus

300 Ponies

Predator Press

Intenet Swag

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[LOBO]

Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Dear Mr. Steven Spielberg,

As your bodyguards continue to remind me, this is in direct violation of my Temporary Restraining Order. But I cannot in good conscience let you miss out on this script, and the other ones I sent you came back smelling suspiciously like urine. My mailman probably stole the check you issued.

Enclosed is the first three chapters of my screenplay Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome.  While one thousand six hundred and seven pages might seem a bit cumbersome, please remember that they are double-spaced for your reading convenience.

To summarize, Joaquin Phoenix reprises his role as Johnny Cash who has risen from the dead in a post-apocalyptic world due to bad Tina Turner music. Then he becomes a Rabbi and is forced to kick the shit out of Mad Max (portrayed by Mel Gibson).

Humiliated, Mad Max is forced underground and forges an uneasy alliance with Batman and the “A” Team: together they create a the Death Dradle which threatens to wipe out Thunderdome which -while redundant- meanaces however many extras we can pick up fast and “on the cheap.”

Alerted to the Death Dradle’s sinister purpose, the population of Thunderdome rally behind Johnny, and the six of them design and create a lethal countermeasure: The Aurora Menorah. This plan –essentially throwing sand and scorpions at anyone with a Mohawk hairstyle- is doomed to failure however: the Mohawk guys have invisible motorcycles and guns.

Johnny Cash -now known as "Snake"- is captured, and Thunderdome is immediately retaken by Max. But Johnny’s last wish before his execution is to play an invisible guitar, and he plays a song so bluesy and sad Batman –his guard- hangs himself with his own BatCables™ . Johnny, after administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on Batman and triggering numerous lawsuits from DC Comics, escapes with the aid of his newfound pet rat Ben and continues on with his plan to assassinate Hitler.

Fleeing into the desert, Johnny is beset by visions and memories of his past life, realizing he died fairly definitively in the movie Walk the Line.

-Indeed, Johnny must be the world’s first musical Jewish zombie!

And if anti-Semitic Mad Max was going to be defeated, Johnny has to learn to set aside his overpowering musical Jewish zombie craving for brains: this sets the stage for some fantastic Oscar-worthy performances:



DIALOGUE EXCERPT

“Ben,” says tormented Johnny. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How the fuck could I know?” says the rat (voiced by Bruce Willis).

“Can’t I have just a little bit of brains?”

“No,” says Ben. “It’s a strict discipline.”

“But I caught you eating my bicep yesterday! Can I at least lick the brain spoon after you put the chocolate chips and sprinkles in it?”

“Let me have the bicep and I’ll think it over.”

“Done. Here.”

“No,” says Ben between chews. "Now get on your invisible motorcycle. Tina Turner just issued a press release calling you Bigfoot's Manifesto."

END DIALOGUE EXCERPT

Steven, I have no doubt you -the premier visionary Director of the Twentieth Centurion- see immediately in the genius of this script. Please call me to begin negotiations at 555-999-5150.

And hurry up.

-It’s a payphone.

What If Ed Wood Made Star Wars?

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[LOBO]

Exclusive: Wikipedia Search Casts Doubt on Bin Laden Assassination

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Q 1: How could a seal possibly have pulled the trigger?

Fact: Seals don’t have opposable thumbs. And perhaps more importantly, they don’t have shoulders. Am I supposed to believe a “navy” seal swam to Pakistan carrying an AK-47 in its flippers the whole way?

Those guns have straps for a reason.

Q 2: What the hell is a "navy" seal doing in the dessert anyway?

Fact: Osama bin Laden [ObL] wasn’t holed out on some parfait. That’s a dessert. A desert, it turns out, is a place like the beach except there is explicitly no ocean by definition. So where did the “navy” park all their boats an crap without somebody seeing them do it?

Remember this isn’t attacking a dessert -you can’t just throw sprinkles on your aircraft carrier and hope for the best ... Pakistan would have hit you broadside with a strawberry in a second.

Q 3: Why does President Obama’s Birth Certificate make no mention of the effort?

Fact: Obama’s Birth Certificate was created by ancients like fifteen or twenty years ago, and it could not have known about the events that transpired on 9/11.

-Or could it? Obama's Birth Certificate contains a wealth of knowledge about Obama such as where and when he was born, his parents' names, and the fact that he was once black.

The Birth Certificate, therefore, has demonstrated repeated culpability and motive in the entire presidency from infancy -maybe even from inception.

So how can we ever know that the afore-mentioned Birth Certificate itself didn’t hide Mother Obama’s birth control on that fateful, romantic night in Syria or Iran?

-Or that the fate of America‘s 2008 president wasn't SEALED [eh?] that night on a blue EPT stick by Hitler himself?

Hm?

The History of the World

 Predator Press  

[LOBO]

Occasionally, I am reminded that a lot of things had to happen for me to happen. And as the final culmination of all that galactic effort, I feel we should take a moment to reflect and appreciate the things that made me possible.


ne day, God and Jesus were in the garage working on Jesus' Pinewood Derby car. Both were frustrated, because Jesus' healing powers kept making the blocks of wood turn back into trees. They tried everything: gloves, robots, dinosaurs ... but nothing worked, and soon the garage was stuffed with pine trees. This, coupled with the annoying habit Jesus had of making slurpy sounds with his straw, frustrated God to the point that He created the dump we all know as Earth.

Inevitably Jesus, bored, snuck into the garage alone. And there was the Earth, sitting in God's vice grips, getting ready for it's last application of water sealant. Jesus, a mischievous lil scamp, paused from making slurpy sounds long enough to take a piece of ice out of his Pepsi, and dropped it on the hapless planet.

"Look out Noah!" he cried. "I'm killing the dinosaurs!"

Noah floated all over the place, and finally discovered America. And because he had all the animals, Noah quickly cornered the market on fast food franchises -crushing the vegetarian competition. This depressed the vegetarian Steve Jobs so much, he started working on computers. Steve Jobs would subsequently invent the iPod, and thusly made space exploration possible. And a lot less boring. His company, Apple, would go on to defeat the Pharaoh buy dropping frogs on him via helicopter. While perhaps not the most effective method of warfare, it is certainly by far the funniest: after a few years that Pharaoh was freaking out. "Why are all these frogs falling on me?" he would demand from the Jews. The Jews, tired of cleaning frog guts off of the pyramids, formed a tax-free consortium and bought up 51% of Egypt in a hostile takeover bid.

The Pharaoh was summarily fired from the Board of Directors, and the Jews lived happily ever after.

Internet Swag

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Internet Swag (Rise Up! Gather 'Round ... !

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[LOBO]

Internet Swag

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[LOBO]

Detroit Lions to Place Calvin “Megatron” Johnson on Waivers

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“This is not a reflection on Calvin’s football skills,” insists Offensive Coordinator Scott Linehan. “He’s just too big.”

Complaints about Johnson –an unabashed armrest hog- aren’t limited to airline travel.

“He farts a lot," says Matthew Stafford, quarterback. "And every time he sees a Volkswagen, he punches me and giggles ‘Slugbug.’ Don’t ask me what a ‘PT Bruiser’ is. It’s just ugly all-around.”

“I should be worried about football,” remarks Lions Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham. “But most of the season I’m completely preoccupied with making sure Calvin and Rex Ryan aren’t at the same continental breakfast.”