Ask LOBO: How to Blog

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, ”LOBO, I too want to start a blog that’s a raging commercial success read by millions and millions of people everyday –just like Predator Press. How do I do it?”

Well I’m glad you asked me that.


# 1: Steal Ideas. There’s no shame in it out here. In fact, the idea for this post was originally Chris Cameron’s –the distinguished and erudite author of Angry Seafood.

I just happen to type faster.

# 2: Keep it Real. Forget whatever your English teacher told you. Nobody gives two craps about your spelling, punctuation and grammer ... what they really want to know about is the humdrum mundane stuff that makes up the minutia of your life. Get a cat and post pictures with canned captions like “Saltwater fish? But I’m cutting back on my sodium!”

I also happen to be a big fan of Twitter. I’ve mastered it. In the “What I am doing now” box, I put “Typing” about 6,005,004 times until I learned that I could cut and paste stuff with hotkeys. Now I can put “Cutting and Pasting ‘Typing’ With Hotkeys” 10 times faster than I ever could type “Typing”.

# 4: Use the Technology. Speaking of Twitter, get lots and lots of poppup windows and modules. I can't say enough about modules. The more modules you have, the greater likelihood at least one of them will be totally crashed and produce a ‘broken link’. Broken links are like a Google aphrodisiac. Also, broken links add to the lag time of loading your page thusly keeping your readers stuck there longer.

# 9: Be Flashy, Get Noticed. Use impossibly attractive photography and indirectly imply that it’s you. Then doctor them up with cool glittery effects circa MySpace.

Nothing impresses readers like glittery pics. And cats like it.

# 4: Make Sure Your Site Blasts Music Upon Arrival. Even if people like the song, there’s a pretty decent chance they aren’t currently listening to it. And if they are listening to it, you might have created a nifty echo effect that will endear your reader forever.

Some people are already listening to music while they are browsing. Screw them: your musical tastes are clearly superior and it’s high time they knew it! I mean if their music was so great, they would be listening to it instead of surfing blogs, right?

Also helpful is to make the ‘pause’ button on your music difficult to find. Nothing triggers a frantic search on your blog like a cubicle in a sea of cubicles suddenly blaring your 80’s crap. They might notice something they otherwise would have missed!

# 10: Know Thine Enemy. Below is a collection of links to blogging heavyweights who have offered up some of their "helpful" tips and techniques. These blogs should be avoided at all costs: They are only pretending to provide useful information in hopes that you will remain in dismal obscurity. You should stay here at Predator Press where we only have your best interests and success at heart.


Brent Diggs: The Secret to Writing Humor

Blog Like SinisterDan! Or Else!

Diesel: How to Write a Funny Rambling Style Post

Diesel: Me and My Big Head

Diesel: Close to Ten Tips on How to Write a Funny Blog Post
(yeesh. Alright Mister #1 Diesel. We get it already!)


And there you go: LOBO's 10 tips for successful blogging.

I may add some more links here and there, but you get the picture.

Now go!

Blog!

(Thank you Rickey for appearing on LIVE LOBO SATURDAY!!)

Russia Invades Georgia!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

After being without electricity for nine hours, imagine my surprise to find out Russia has boldly moved into Georgia with tanks and militia!

While I will most certainly miss the World's Largest Peanut Monument and the Replica of the Statue of Liberty, you have to tip your hat to the tactical brilliance of the Ruskies here: they have put themselves in a good position to strike at Alabama and South Carolina, and effectively cutoff Florida and Key West altogether.

I would like to be the first to express a whole-hearted welcome to our Soviet conquerors, and how much I always liked those big fuzzy hats. And who is really going to miss Georgia anyway? I mean they put a peach on their commemorative quarter for god’s sake! There can’t be much going on down there.

As Chancellor of LOBOnia -a tiny territory consisting of a mobile 10' circle around myself- I assure you the diplomatic relationship with the capitalist pig-dogs is cordial but very loosely maintained. And Predator Press -in keeping with our long-standing tradition of being one of the most progressive independent publications on the internet- is all about embracing change whenever completely necessary.

In honor of our glorious and valiant new comrades, tomorrow at noon Predator Press will be conducting the first “LIVE LOBO” completely in Russian.

The topic shall be, “So How Cool is that Kremlin?”

The Power of Cripes Compels You

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Sir," says Natalie, scowling into her computer screen. "This is the sixteenth time you've called."

"I'm hoping for an update."

"Nothing has changed in the last eight minutes."

"A lot can happen in eight minutes. I can make eight completely different batches of rice in eight minutes."

"I understand that sir-"

"Miss, I don't think you do understand. I have no electricity, and millions and millions of readers are waiting anxiously for me to post today. Do you want to be responsible for what could happen if I don't?"

Natalie leans back in her chair exasperated. "Sir, there were three confirmed tornado touchdowns in your area."

[audible sigh] "Of the thousands of electric company customer service representatives, how do I happen to get the one that isn't a Predator Press reader? I debunked tornados weeks ago!"

"Sir-"

"Maybe next you can tell me the story of how Bigfoot and the Tooth Fairy are to blame!"

"We've got 200,000 other people out of power as well," she says twirling the phone cord in her fingers absently. "And you are accounting for half our phone traffic."

"Well this is important. In my absence, who will protect my readers from internet marketers, Forex associates, alien invaders, SEO optimization, shark attacks, Olestra, scams from Nauru, mad cow disease, zombie uprisings and tofu? Who?"

"Brent Diggs maybe?"

"Hiatus."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Is it because his power got shut off? I can switch the grid and have him back up in five minutes."

"I knew it! How come you can't do that for me?"

"Sir, your problems are far more serious."

"It's sweltering hot in here, and my refrigerator doesn't work," I add. "And what the hell am I supposed to do with all this rice?"

She plucks at the keyboard. "Our technicians are working around the clock to restore your power. The current esimated time of repair is ..."

"Yes?"

"Huh," says Natalie, leaning into her screen. "That's strange. I'm showing your power was only out for twenty minutes."

"Twenty minutes? It's been nine hours."

"Did you flip your breaker switch?"

"Yes. I tried that right when it went out."

"Did you flip it back?"

"Of course I did."

Over the phone there's an audible click, followed by the sounds of a blaring stereo, three televisions on different stations, an air conditioner, two blenders and a microwave.

"Is there anything else I can do for you today sir?"

"Do you know how iPods work?"

Rental Hygiene

Predator Press

[LOBO]

There’s been a lot of controversy surrounding the use of cellphones while driving recently.

Now I get that, but I’m also very laid-back about it personally. If you can multi-task while driving, that’s great. I suppose I trust you. Ethan, for instance, uses an electric shaver on his way to work.

I, for one, “self-police” in this regard: I can barely drive when that’s all I’m doing; if the phone rings while I’m driving, I’ll let it go to voicemail and return the call later.

But this morning in traffic, I saw a woman flossing.

To me, handling any two-handed activity while simultaneously driving with your elbows is impressive.

But flossing?

How can you see with big chunks of food obscuring your windshield?

Predator Press Reviews The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Predator Press

[LOBO]


From the moment lights dim, suddenly the action begins.

First Jet Li does some stuff, and then Brendan Fraser does some stuff.

But the stuff that Brendan Fraser does really pisses off Jet Li, and then they start karate-chopping each other.

Predator Press gives The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor sixty-nine thumbs up: between the explosions, swords clanging, audience gasping and the thunderous soundtrack, I don't think I got eight consecutive minutes of sleep during that whole two hours.

How to Break Up With Gods

Predator Press

Dear Medusa,

I can't do this anymore.

It's not really about the obsession with sculpture, the bloody dandruff, or the thick scales stuck in the soap bar; I just really think we should start hissing and spitting at other people.

I will always remember the good times -like that time we tickled Sisyphus until he dropped his rock and he hadda start History all over- but we've grown in different directions, and I want my half of the direction our music collection had taken. And all my Dean Koontz paperbacks.

We're just too different. I think we should just be friends. And I'm not good enough for you . . . you need to find someone who will treat you like you deserve being treated for.

It's not you; it's me.

Don't come by unexpectedly; I'm now married, and my wife runs a business breeding blindfolded mongooses.

Your Friend Always,

LOBO

Talk This Way

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Today at noon was the first semi-operational “LIVE LOBO”.

I’m considering it a partial success because at one point we had 19 people here. I’m also considering it a catastrophic failure as only six of us seemed able to participate.

A few complained that all they got was a grayed-out box. I’m still not certain why that was … but I suspect it had to do with what browser you use. If anyone knows for sure, please enlighten me as I would like to do this at noon(ish) every Saturday (it beats the crap out of lawn care).

Operating models of the "Shoutmix" can be viewed at It's a Funny Thing; if you can see it there, you should be able to see it here.

Even though the Shoutmix interface itself is so totally simple even Don Lewis could figure it out, just in case there’s any confusion over the controls I put together this image:


(You can click on it to enlarge)

Also, despite my rampant narcissism, I’m not sure “LIVE LOBO” is the best name for it. I’ll try and come up with something else this week.

Ethan, Terri and I had a ball meeting some of you!

:)~

(Thanks Don and Sue for appearing on LIVE LOBO SATURDAY!!)

LIVE LOBO SATURDAY!!! (Browser Sensitive)

Predator Press

[LOBO]



Thanks Terri, Ethan, Don and Sue!

See you next week!

:)

Tomorrow I Will Briefly Stop Killing People

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The only thing better than lazily basking in Saturdayness -the most hallowed of all holidays- is lazily basking in Saturdayness while wiping out the entire human race.

Pandemic II (the most recent in an increasingly long series of events that are preventing me from mowing the lawn) is a great little Flash game. In it you play The Disease, and continuously evolve and mutate while staying one step ahead of humankind’s efforts to thwart your swelling and deadly ranks. After a 10-minute tutorial, you too will be multiplying your virulent and lethal pestilence worldwide!

But for a few hours this Saturday, I’m going to briefly set aside my desire to have you all killed and try another round of “Live LOBO”.

Maybe noonish.

Brett Favre Offered $20M Not to Play Football

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In an effort to keep Brett Favre from playing for an opposing team, the Green Bay Packers have offered him $20,000,000 to “stay retired”.

Packers President and Chief Executive Officer Mark Murphy has failed to return my calls on how much he will pay me not to play, but I have offered to not do it for half that amount.

Mars Rovers Found at Hawking Summer Home

Predator Press

[LOBO]

A search for drugs and pornography at Stephen Hawking's summer home in Casa de Rio turned up more than was bargained for: both $350M Mars Rovers -supposedly on Mars since 2004- have actually been sending photos from the beach, and fetching drinks for scantily-clad supermodels.

"Oh come on people!" says noted physicist Hawking as he is handcuffed and escorted away. "Microbes? On Mars? Please. I coulda sent you guys pictures of turkeys an you would've bought it."