Friday

A Dark Matter

Predator Press

LOBO

Standing there almost at the top of Mauna Kea, I didn't know shit about astronomy or physics; I was a tourist with a telescope, shivering at the top of a mountain, gawking at the stars and planets.

I have found away to be cold even in Hawaii, I remember snarking to myself.

When my friends suggested I go to the lookout point, I figured it sounded cool. Pianosa is pretty damn flat; even if the space stuff didn't impress me, I would probably enjoy just the scenery.

But the problem is you don't drive up a mountain to see stars during the day. The journey was an excruciatingly long and boring climb into darkness, saturated with what often felt like forced conversation; by the time we got there I was feeling irritable.

And then I saw the Universe.

It stopped my heart.



***


Staring down at clouds with your feet on soil alone would have been enough. But the sky...

... I just cannot find the words.

There's a reason the Keck telescope was built there ... you can see the rings of Saturn with your naked eye. At my friend's behest, I stared at the celestial beauty through his $20 binoculars, utterly amazed. And in a strange confluence of fortune, Jupiter was in view as well; I hogged the magnifying lenses shamelessly while I watched the moons visibly circling gracefully around the magnificent giant.

"What's that dark spot?" I asked, watching a dark orb swinging toward the colorful, living surface.

"That's Jupiter's Eye. It's the largest and oldest storm in the solar system."

"No," I says. "I mean the one swinging around it."

And even as I said the words, the object swung behind the massive planet.

"It's a moon."

"Really?" I says. "I thought moons would have nice, tight circular courses. This one just kinda screamed in, and went behind it."

"Yeah, okay," says the guy, searching the spot with his own binoculars. "You're seein UFOs?" he guffawed.

"I didn't say it was a fucking flying saucer," I says, still peering through the lenses. "I asked what this thing is."

All of us ogled the sky for a while in silence.

"It's a moon," the guy repeats, packing his binoculars audibly into his belt minutes later. "Do you have any idea how large something would have to be, being visible behind Jupiter?

"Not at this-"

There it was again.

I stared at the arching spot for a precious second to assure myself it wasn't my imagination.

"There it is," I says.

I could hear him receding in the background. "Darting about is it?" he says sarcastically.

"No," I argue irrationally. "It just came around the other side."

I force myself to remove the binoculars, and finally face this asshole.

"Son," the rather unremarkable guy says loudly in the distance, slamming a car door that reads Keck Telescope Personnel. Lowering his electric window, he adds, "Jupiter is about 25,000 miles wide."

Disinterested, I return to the view. The thing creeps beyond Jupiter slower and slower, until seemingly to stop. And escaping Jupiter's ambient light, it was almost invisible already.

I figured we have about 167 days.

Give or take.



***


Six months later, I feel I have done what I can to warn everyone.

I have warned the "proper authorities" ... but no one will listen. SETI has blocked my calls.

I took up mathematics and science, and proved that -by virtue of the bending of surrounding light- a gravitational giant had been slung like a Frisbee from Jupiter at our solar system, at a speed of approximately 30 miles per second.

No one listened because my mortgage was foreclosing ... but I could not work.

And my wife was leaving me because she thought I was crazy.

And only now, now that a tiny dark stain is visible in the blue sky, do people peer at it curiously. It's the antithesis of a star; almost like a growing period, punctuating a gun-metal grey sky with violent green and blue lighting jumping and dancing for it.

Today it's unseasonably cool, windy and dark.

People will want to watch the spectacular show.

Many will be barbequing.

Wednesday

The Mattress Police



Predator Press

[LOBO]

This fellow blogger has written a book so brilliant, profound and utterly funny, I've only read three chapters and have already dispatched six assassins.

Diesel autographs them too.

Buy one quickly; they will exponentially increase in value by Friday.

Monday

Frivolous Exercising Slays One, Hospitalizes 302


Predator Press

[LOBO]

Once again, death and heartbreak has followed on the heels of 'healthy diet' and 'exercise'... and this time it stuck it's icy fingers right into the heart of the Chicago Marathon.

The crowd gathered as is their ritual: early, and positively seething with good health, vigor and Old Spice.

Little did they know that their unclogged arteries would only increase the efficiency of their perspiration.

Fewer still thought maybe they should stay in their air-conditioned cubicles making mediocre money rather than watching the movie '300' too many times and working their asses off for no money.

There was ample water and ice --initially thought to be refreshments-- and every last one of the runners were numbered: all the pieces of a well-organized and hastily preformed good-'ole-fashioned organ harvest were in place.

The parade of pink lungs, pristine kidneys and robust young transplantable hearts began their annual run punctually, too. They waved, foolishly taunting the onlooking sedentary and physically inferior misfits. And while the fans outwardly faked their cheering ever-so-brilliantly, all secretly prayed one or more of those potential collections of upgrades and spare parts would wander from the predictable route, into the wrong dark alley, and could quietly be "mitigated" to death with cinderblocks and pointy sticks.

If you think about it, the fact that the Chicago Marathon had any survivors at all was a miracle.

You health nuts and fitness freaks need some serious help. You mean to tell me nobody decided before running 20 miles to check the weather? Jesus, I check the weather just to get the mail! Try this you vitamin-popping cult-driven bran-pooping charlatans and witch doctor practitioner-types: it's called weather.com. Next time you feel the urge to, oh, climb a mountain, skydive or eat tofu, you might want to check it out.

If you don't know your zip code, somebody else at the office probably does.

Okay?

May God have mercy on your souls.

Idaho Declares Self "North Utah" for Duration of Craig Scandal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"With all due respect sir, fuck Rand McNally."

Sunday

Hunting Technique "Not Sportsmanlike" Say Men


Predator Press

[LOBO]

"It ain't right," says Tyler #3.

"I get up at 4:00am, gear up in camouflage, and douse myself with deer urine every day. Feedin 'em a time-delayed shaped charge while wearin a pastel blue tank-top just don't seem fair."

Revealing New "Freedom" Burka Sparks Protest



Predator Press

[LOBO]

We all heard Mahmoud Ahmadinejad confidently proclaim that "Iran has no homosexuals."

... But a thought occurs ...

The History of Predator Press

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People always ask me, "LOBO, Predator Press is one of the most widely-read, respected and influential publications in the world. How did it all start?"

Well, it wasn't easy. Millions and millions of readers a day hanging on our every word and entire nations living or dying by what we publish didn't happen overnight. Indeed, cutting through the dissonance of a world gone utterly mad in search of The Truth has been a tough cross to bear.

And yes, the money helps. But when it all comes down, it isn't the luxury cars and women with loose morals that make us carry on: we do it for you, the Loyal Reader.

The events that inevitably culminated into this towering intellectual juggernaut pepper history like things that you might put a lot of pepper on. Like a good porterhouse. We are the pepper stuck to the Great Steak of Life.

A cursory search through a lot of history books revealed this to be true. Gleams of primitive permutations of Predator Press weaving their way deeply into the soul of human destiny permeate the earliest recorded events of humankind: King Arthur vainly sought his entire life for it. The Danes conquered Wessex in an attempt to possess it. Galileo threw two guys simultaneously off of the top of a building to discover it. Al Gore invented the internet, just so he could witness it wirelessly right at Dairy Queen. You know that whole "Burning Bush" thing in the Bible? Well that wasn't really us. But we covered it. The Freemasons used Predator Press as their secret handshake for centuries ... right up until we revealed that fact to our throbbing, seething hoards of ardent fans. Then the Freemasons hadda change it, and then those jerks all swore an oath of 'Eternal and Insatiable Vengence' against us.

I'm not 100%, but I think the secret handshake is currently 'Hi, how are you?'

... those Freemason assholes are everywhere.

Britney Spears "Gimme More" #1

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Pull!" demands Ethan.

I comply, and the disk arcs gracefully over to portside of his yacht. Ethan blows the thing into a hanging cloud of dust.

"That's 5 out of 5 sir," I says. "Well done."

Ethan lowers his shotgun. "Where did you get these 'skeet' things? My god, I can't miss!"

"Well sir, they're certainly not cheap."

"I can imagine," he says. "How much are they?"

"About $16.99 apiece."

Ethan reached into the box, and inspects one. "Hey, these are copies of Britney Spears' Blackout!

"Indeed sir," I reply. "A few more hours of this, and she'll go Double Platinum."

"Well, who am I to judge art?" he says, raising his shotgun to his shoulder.

"Pull!"

Friday

Sweet

Predator Press

[LOBO]


"Whore!" yells Phoebe.

"Slut," snipes Babs through bared teeth, closing the door to my office behind her.

"Bitch," I says, looking up from my monitor.

"Excuse me?" says Phoebe.

"Sorry," I says. "That's just a reflex. What seems to be the problem here?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is," says Babs. "Someone has hogged the entire supply of Sweet'N Low."

I blink.

"The world's most popular sugar substitute," clarifies Phoebe.

Now after a brief moment reflecting how Predator Press has no affiliation with Sweet'N Low or any of their fine products, I finally says, "What?"

"We're not getting anymore for weeks!" cries Phoebe.

"Well you sure seem to have plenty," says Babs.

"I keep some in my desk, " says Phoebe. "It's more efficient. That way I'm not spending hours trolling around the water cooler for the new guy in the mailroom like some floozy."

"Tramp!" says Babs.

"Lot lizard!" I says reflexively. "Sorry. I'm trying to work on that. It seems to me you guys suspect each other of hoarding all the fine product of Sweet'N Low."

"Way to go, Captain Obvious," says Phoebe sarcastically.

"Look," I says annoyed. "I was just writing a ground-breaking expose on how well-respected, admired and loved Danny Bonaduce was recently assaulted by some guy named Jonny Fairplay." I glance at my monitor. "I mean Jonny Fairplay? That name is so obviously fake. I think it was the Mob. Now unless you two are going to engage in a sweaty, growling, nearly-naked and hot catfight, I need to get back to work."

Babs snaps her fingers repeatedly. "LOBO. Over here. We have a serious issue. Predator Press has a thief in her ranks."

"But what about Britney Spears?" I protest. "America's Sweetheart is obviously now embroiled in some very strange activity. I have to engage in the futile search for other 'strange activity' involving Britney that might refute my story," I argue. "It's called research. And it has turned out to be very difficult to not find evidence of Britney Spears being anything less than a pillar of the community. I've checked all my reliable sources: television and the internet. Even Google!" I grin darkly. "Britney is revered by all. This story is going to rock the world."

Babs and Phoebe stare at me in disbelief.

"Hey," I says. "If it's any consolation, I don't think either one of you did it. I think we need to be on the lookout for a really fat cat burglar."

I feel myself go pale.

"Oh my God. Is Phil okay?"

"You know," offers Phoebe, "Bonaduce kinda sounds like a fake name too."

"Precisely," I agree.

"You know," says Babs, "I've often wondered what Britney Spears and Danny Bonaduce's love child might look like."

"Me too," I says. "But I don't see any reason to involve Nick Nolte in this yet."

My iPhone chirps to life.

"LOBO?" says Ethan between abrupt static bursts.

"Yes sir," I says, peering into the tiny electronic wafer.

"Did you ever get around to buying me any more Sweet'N Low? I'm almost out."

Monday

Baseball Needs Shot Clock, Bikini Chicks

Predator Press

[LOBO]

See that picture on the left? That's the last "athlete" Major League Baseball traded to the LOBOnian Baseball Syndicate. WITNESS how he is drowning in the acid quicksand cleverly disguised as natural turf! Just imagine the horrific screams I was too lazy to record and turn into "mpegs" or whatever!

While still looking for sponsors, players, a place to play and a network to air it, LBS league baseball games take maybe a half hour, tops ... even though they play until one team scores 100 runs. This is because if you hold a ball for 8/16th of a second, it detonates. Even if you're an umpire.

The LBS has an 8 millisecond 'Shot Clock'. This means that even if it's a 96 mph fastball, you gotta sprint toward it, swinging desperately before you are struck out like an inferior specimen and we have to weed out your loser genetic strain and pathetic, inferior DNA from the face of the Earth once and for all.

The LBS keeps a far stricter drug policy than its puny competitors too: in this league, steroid abuse is absolutely mandatory. Why not have the greatest athletes modern science can provide for the card? Enraged monsters with big, throbbing forehead veins wielding baseball bats have been highly-valued entertainment for the whole family for eons. Now you can see them up close!

And what's with this pansy 4 base crap? The LBS has 56 completely randomized bases, each requiring a vine swing over flaming pits of starving alligators swimming in hydrogen peroxide and gasoline, culminating into a dramatic, spectacular slide through broken glass and ignited napalm. And rather than squishing all our bases in the same place, we spread 'em out. I got news for you: unless 80,000 well-armed fans for the other team stand between you and your next 'base' ala Halo 3 , you're a puss, and that 'base' barely qualifies as a disease-riddled biohazard truckstop crawling with lot lizards and overpriced NAPA products. In the LBS, getting to a base is worth 9 points, and it is celebrated by fireworks, more free booze and meth, a live performance by Korn, and scantily-clad dancing girls ... just like when we were kids.

What the hell ever happened to the 'baseball' we all grew up playing?

Will Ferrell Edits of Colin Farrell Sex Tape Released


Predator Press

[LOBO]

SOMEONE GET ME ICEPICKS TO DEEPLY STAB MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS.

PLEASE.

NOW!!!!!!