Sunday

Welcome to the Fall

Predator Press

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Now that it's virtually October, that means that one of my fave holidays is coming up.

Really, the only thing that sucks about Halloween is that it also means I finally gotta take down the Christmas Tree from last year.

I can reuse the coal and cinderblocks, but the razorwire has somehow lost it's gleaming holiday luster ...

Saturday

This Land is My Land, This Land is My Land

Predator Press

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An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan



Lindsay Lohan,

According to a web site I found, the United States --currently embroiled in a debate over immigration-- has 20 million illegal aliens within her borders. Stormtroopers are already dancing in the streets of Tokyo! Why have you convinced everyone that RDO is poised to ignite the Earth's atmosphere and wipe it clean of all life whatsoever?

I don’t know what evil scheme you’re hatching, but you’re scaring the hell out of Tom Cruise.

George Clooney narrowly escaping death by having a particularly nasty swatch of speeding blacktop crash into him 'an his poor motorcycle has your earmarks all over it: you ain't foolin nobody ... and I'm onto your whole "E Coli-China toys-Van Halen-George Bush" conspiracy too.

But for God's sake, why the stripper pole at Nipples Italy?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why Lindsay?

Why?

Was Star Wars "Empire" Victim of Propaganda?

Predator Press

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Aging Van Halen Still Kicks Ass



Predator Press

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After squandering the prime of their musical careers over bickering, tantrums and infighting, Van Halen is once again trying to capture their unprecedented thunderous '80s inertia and screw the fans out of a few more bucks.

Van Roth is a strange and quixotic enigma, providing a groundbreaking musical genius fused with no professionalism whatsoever and a c'est la vie attitude toward their fans. This was punctuated loudly by ditching even their own induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year.

But the ever-inventive Van Roth has once again hatched a scheme to 'hold the ship together' long enough to squeeze out some new musical "art": this time they have wisely chosen to replace all the members with people that get along better

Don't get me wrong. I'm really excited that the guys will be picking up some new cars, summer homes, and "Mammoth" child support payments only previously achieved by NBA players. WTG and on with the show. But to be honest, I think I would have preferred a Pay-Per-View death match. You know, a "four men in, one comes out" kinda thing.

I think 'lil Wallety and I have other plans this year.

Friday

Bloggers Unite for a Good Cause

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On September 27, there was a lot of buzz about "Bloggers Uniting Against Abuse".

I kinda wanted to participate, but I couldn't really think of a topic. I'm pretty much a whore for the March of Dimes, but that hardly stacks up as "abuse".

And 'Abuse' topics are complicated when your blog's name is Predator Press; if I start putting up pics of abused and missing children, some whack job idiot is going to start misinterpreting stuff and bitching. Then I gotta find 'em, get their ass beat to a fine paste, and arrange their assassination as they are being released from the Emergency Room months later --way, way, way too much work that could be easily avoided with some prudent caution.

But I'm absolutely mystified I missed telemarketers: those intrusive pigs abuse all without discrimination.

I've screwed my share of telemarketers already: a buddy of mine heard me doing it, and has asked me to record a cd of it. I suck them in amiably, rack up massive purchases, and much much later --when it comes time for the Visa-- I just recite random numbers until they hang up.

But a day late for the "Abuse" stuff, I wanted to give you a chance to eradicate this vile pestilence scourge from the face of the Earth altogether:

After signing up at the Do Not Call Registry, in my "comments" field I want to share your collective anger, outrage and insights about telemarketing. I want stories, rants, fables, lies, plans, and outright outrageous creative thinking. I want fantasies about salted and rusty jagged catheters being torn out of their pasty and spongy, writhing, broken and rotting screaming bodies. I want smoky mesqite-flavored strategies involving gasoline and matches, and splatter-pattern jpegs from squishing them through a fine mess screen of acid-dipped razorwire.

This is my 'Cause'.

And I'm sticking to it.

Mayday

Predator Press

When Security Officer Rand took the job on the small mining facility four years ago, there were bad omens everywhere.

On the first day, the Chief of Operations gave him a tour of the facility. "Sometimes," says Doctor Richard Kief in a well-rehearsed, blasé tone. "We have accidents." Throwing the switch, the ore smelter screeched closed and a high-pitched alarm sounded. "It costs this facility $150,000 a minute to close these filters, because it stops production." Kief sort of spoke into the air around him, almost unaware of Rand. "I love to do that," he added.

As the searing liquid ore started to settle, the fluid became increasingly transparent. "Still," says Kief, "in the event of on ongoing Missing Person Investigation, it's company policy to look here."

Chills ran through Rand's spine, as he quietly imagined what he might see in there: the cloudy shadows of bobbing human remains.

Seeming to have read Rand's mind, Kief continues. "Depending on what cycle the smelting is, you're not going to see much left. Especially if it's been more than an hour or so. Probably just their gear if you're lucky." Kief stared into the glowing fluid.

"We have accidents," he repeated absently.



***


Four years later, Rand wiped the condensation from the cracked porthole with his thick glove, smearing it cloudy with blood. Seeing the station's wobbly, random trajectory and the floating debris of the station never failed to trigger a sense of vertigo.

He pressed the yellow button again. "SOS," he repeated. "This is acting Chief of Security Steven Rand of mining facility 77. We have been attacked."

The sound of his voice betrayed his fading hopes of rescue.

"I believe I am the sole survivor," he added. "Mayday."

Rand was starting to succumb to hypothermia. He wasn't shivering very much anymore. And he was getting sleepy. It was a mistake to sit at the console. Fatigue overtook him, and he pulled the blankets closer; this was almost a futile gesture as they no longer retained any heat.

"Mayday," he repeated, drifting off into slumber.

The sleep was not restful, as his mind churned the horrors over and over. Rand's mother called these things "Devil Marks"; the indelible mental leftovers of having witnessed a traumatic event.

There was no warning of the attack, save the moment when Kief blew his brains out with a .45 caliber pistol in this very chair. The attack came so suddenly afterward, the splatters were still all over the cockpit.

As for the attack itself, it was very surgical and precise; most of the station remained largely intact. It still held oxygen and it's internal pressure. But the inertial dampeners were destroyed, and the station could no longer keep it's "spin", and as a result there was no artificial gravity.

But the real danger was the hopelessly damaged temperature regulators; as the relentless cold of space overtook the failing heat in the vessel, any survivors --such as Rand-would be dead in a matter of hours.

They could just wait him out.

Tiredly, Rand woke again. He didn't know how long he had been out this time. Weakly, he rubbed his glove against the glass one more time, but the condensation and blood had frozen solidly.

As he leaned in closely in an attempt to peer through the opaque window, Kief's frozen blood cracked and snapped as is separated from Rand's suit and the chair.

Rand saw nothing.

Even the debris was gone.

He pressed the yellow button.

"Mayday," he slurred, before drifting into sleep one last time.

Wednesday

"Wicked" Cancels Iran Tour After College Speech

Predator Press

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Citing ticket sales that slumped faster than the bullet-riddled local fans, all scheduled productions of Wicked in Iran have been cancelled until Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "gets a full-body Brazilian Wax, and stops dressing like he's on Miami Vice."

Fans interviewed all over the world put down their frilly blue drinks and spoke out in a similarly unified determination. "If 20 more years of 'Cats' doesn't topple that scrubby little regime, nothing will."

Tuesday

Techno, Safari and Pasties Oh My

Predator Press

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When I heard about that missing stripper pole, I immediately recognized the larger potential ramifications.

Ethan bought Nipples Italy based on his keen scientific business insights and a predatory understanding of how much a guy will pay to see a naked woman: if those industrial guys at Zayne had no place to spend all their money, they might sober up, get married, raise families, and start acting responsibly; this would ultimately mean we would have to either pay them more, or shitcan the entire lot of them and find a bunch of other guys that'll do that work real cheap.

I don't know about you, but I'm not prepared to see the entire vital workforce of Pianosa unemployed and possibly assassinated in order to protect our trade secrets (as explicitly described in the excruciatingly small print of their contracts). Plus this might start a chain reaction that could shut down the entire nation, and a complete economic collapse of possibly dozens of other economic global juggernauts and superpowers.

I'll bet having strippers with no poles isn't even OSHA compliant.

I couldn't sleep at night knowing a tawny young Tiffany is somewhere baring her first public pelvic thrusts to a bunch of drunken assholes, and throwing her leg in the air during a pirouette to find no pole to support her balance! Boom! There lies little Tiffany with a twisted ankle and deployed airbags. And as 'lil Tiffany busts into uncontrollable flames, her hard-earned college money and diuretic suppositories scatter slowly through the air like so many flammable negligent little leaves ...

… You people have no idea what I go through in order to save the Universe.

Monday

$50 CASH MONEY REWARD


Predator Press


HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POLE?

On average, 12 Nipples Italy girls are bruised in dancing accidents every day due to the theft of this pole. You can help them.

* Last seen August 23rd at Nipples Italy
* Color: Brass
* Height: 8'
* Frequently surrounded by thongs, singles * Might be sticky
* Probably tastes salty
* No questions asked


ANYONE WITH INFORMATION SHOULD
CONTACT LOBO IMMEDIATELY

Okay, Who Pissed Off the Space Guys?

Predator Press

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"What happened?" I says.

"I don't know," says Mr Insanity, removing his oxygen mask. "Why are you dressed like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like that."

"I always wear Spandex during intergalactic conflicts. You know that."

"Well it's disgusting. Shouldn't you at least work out for a while first?"

"I'm far too busy and important to indulge in luxuries like exercise."

Mr Insanity winced as he sat up in the hospital bed. "Well that's pretty damned obvious." He shrugged painfully. "I don't really know how else to explain it. I was dropping off Sapphire for her shift at Nipples Italy. We pull into the parking lot, and suddenly it gets dark. I mean like almost night time dark; the temperature even dropped a few degrees. We look up, and there's a giant spaceship blocking out the entire sky. Hundreds of smaller fast-moving metallic objects start zipping around, shooting everything." He swings his legs weakly over the side, and attempts to stand. "You know what I think?"

"You think it's Lindsay Lohan too?"

"No dumbass. I think someone pissed off RDO."

"Oh come on," I says. "RDO is a pussycat. This whole thing smacks of Lohan."

"Well, those ... machines blasted their way into the club, tore out the stripper pole, and kidnapped Sapphire."

"Those assholes took the stripper pole?"

Sunday

Predator Press Reviews: Blue Harvest


Predator Press

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Far, far and away the best Star Wars spoof ever.

-Set your DVR for "fun."

(God ... That pun was worse than "The Phantom Menace." I'm removing myself from my own link list ...)