Predator Press Interviews: Lindsay Lohan

Predator Press


LOBO: Wow. You're that famous chick!

Lohan: Who are you, and why are you dressed like that?

LOBO: My name is LOBO. So why are you here? Are you getting your Blogger License too?

Lohan: My rehab doctor thinks that exploring other methods of expression might curtail my self-destructive behavior and speed up my recovery.

LOBO: Rehab? I thought you were in prison.

Lohan: That's Paris Hilton.

LOBO: Sorry. It's hard to see through these pasta strainers. I really love your movies.

Lohan: Well thank you.

LOBO: What was it like working with Mike Myers on 'Shrek 3'?

Lohan: That's Cameron Diaz.

LOBO: Oh, that's right. Sorry. Did you ever get to meet Tim Robbins when you narrated 'The Shawshank Redemption'?

Lohan: That's Morgan Freeman.

LOBO: I thought you said you were in movies.

Lohan: I am. I was in 'Freaky Friday' 'Herbie Fully Loaded' and 'The Parent Trap'.

LOBO: So you do mostly documentaries?

Lohan: [pause] Would you please just get away from me?

LOBO: Any Oscars? Emmys?

Lohan: I'm calling the cops.

LOBO: Well you go right ahead there little Miss Hoity-Toity 'Can't-Take-Some-Pointed-Questions-From-A-Guy-Wearing-A-Trash-Can'. Call 'em! I'll have you arrested for impersonating an actress!

Teacher: All right class, pencils down. Please hand your Blogger License Exam to the person in front of you.

LOBO: Damn it!

Lohan: You bastard!

Remedial Blogging 101

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So dressed as a giant cicada –complete with ingenious pasta strainer eyes, a trash can carapace, and two old wireless routers stuck above the ears as antennae-- I arrived at the testing center early enough to smoke three cigarettes before being ushered in.

And while worried at first that being dressed as a giant bug might be rather ‘conspicuous’, I was relieved to find that I was taking the exam with four bees, two bears, a badger, and Lindsay Lohan.

Cauterized

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, I'm stranded in Mr Insanity's house surrounded by tanks hoisted 3 feet in the air by camouflage-painted helicopters --all sporting streamers and sparklers-- and billions of starving carnivorous, flesh-eating cicadas.

And it dawns on me.

Oh my God, my Blogger's License re-exam is in five minutes!!!

Warhead

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

Once Sapphire called Ethan to verify she had the pictures, Ethan called President Bush.

Then President Bush called General Petraeus.

"You want me to bomb a city in the continental US?" asks General Petraeus incredulously.

"And how," says Bush.

"And not one in New Jersey?"

"Nope. Pianosa, Illinois."

"Why sir?"

"It's part of a new strategy in our War on Terror. Who's going to screw with us if we're so crazy we'll nuke ourselves?"

"Good point sir. Still, what with the fallout and all, I would suggest something a little more suitable to the scale of the threat."

"Like a giant robot crocodile?"

"No sir. Like a surgical strike. A platoon of tanks maybe."

"Oh god no. Have you seen the price of gas lately? I like the 'Giant Robot Crocodile' idea better."

"Yes, well-"

"It'll come up out of Lake Michigan, and seek out Terror with X-Ray vision, and smash it with the Tail of Liberty. Bam! Bam!"

"Well, while I understand your enthusiasm--"

"BOOM!"

"--I would still go with the tanks."

"General, this is the dawn of the Twentieth Centurion. Unless they hover, tanks are boring."

"We don't have a giant robot crocodile sir. The Liberals scuttled the budget in Congress."

Bush sighed audibly into the phone. "Just how many damn schools do I have to build before I get a giant robot crocodile that fights Terror?"

There's a long pause. "I don't know sir," the General finally answered.

"Why can't we nuke it again?"

"Because it's American soil sir."

"Is it New Jersey?"

"No sir. It's Pianosa, Illinois. Look," says Petraeus, exasperated. "We could put streamers and sparklers on the tanks. Then it would look cool as we bomb that house into the Mesozoic."

"Like a parade!"

"Yes sir. A really loud and pissed-off parade."

"All right General," says Bush. "Make it so."


***

The 99th Battalion left Decatur Illinois at precisely 3:17am, and stopped to refuel in Bloomington, Schaumburg, Danville and Arlington Heights before anyone realized that they had no idea where Pianosa was.

This single blunder took up 18% of the entire annual military budget.

Due to this --and the Vast Liberal Conspiracy-- the Terror-Fighting Robot Crocodile Project would never get off the ground.

Silly Girl

Predator Press

[LOBO]

There was a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” I asked.

“It’s me, Sapphire.”

“How do I know that—?“

“Look, just shut up and open the door!”

Sapphire enters.

She’s crying.

“Sapphire, what’s wrong?”

“Oh LOBO,” she sobs. “I really want to go to Twentynine Palms, California, but I don’t know how to get there!”

“Sapphire,” I says calmly. “I’ve got some trucker's 2004 Road Atlas right here under this tuna sandwich!”

“Really?” she says.

“Sure!” I says, handing her the maps. “Now have fun in California.”

God, I’m thinking. What would chicks do without me?

Bling

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

"Sir," says Sapphire, closing the door to Ethan's office behind her. "I know you've asked me to come so you can try to talk me out of nuking Pianosa, but in a matter of weeks, those cicadas will-"

"Talk you out of it?" says Ethan. "Are you kidding?"

"I don't understand," says Sapphire, taking the seat in front of the desk.

"LOBO just put a bunch of his crap art up on eBay. It's completely worthless. I can't believe he's got an 'AA' in Graphic Design from Denver Business College." Ethan pauses. "Still, if LOBO was dead ... "

"Oooooh," says Sapphire, slowly comprehending. "Okay."

"I'll give you ten percent."

"Deal."

Ethan swivels in his chair, facing the window. "Then I'll have two bags of money. I might even have to hire someone to hold my cigar!"

Boom

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I know that every time you people come to Predator Press and see our fine art, you’re thinking “Wow, I would certainly like to have that piece mounted over my fireplace. I wish there was a way I could buy it.”

Well now you can.

I’m selling my entire private collection on ebay!

CLICK HERE

Booster

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Primer

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

Templeton -who had only narrowly escaped the garbage deposal- had affixed himself to the back of Phil's rabies tag.

There, Phil couldn't find him.

And LOBO -who always assumed the tag to be some sort of symbol of Phil's commitment to Jewish faith- was never willing to do anything that would be religiously intolerant; he chose only to read Bible passages too loudly as Phil slept, and occasionally squirting her with a Super-Soaker full of Holy water shouting 'The Power of Christ Compels You!'

But LOBO, a Catholic, had long since resigned himself to the fact that Phil was going to burn for eternity in the Lake of Fire at this point.

Attached firmly to a deadly predator owned by a complete idiot, and surrounded by millions of the horny and carnivorous man-eating Cicada Brood VIII, Templeton figured he was momentarily safe.

Until he intercepted Sapphire's transmission to RDO.

In order to save Humanity, she argued, they were going to have to nuke Pianosa into a crater.

And then nuke the crater.

And then airlift the crater over the Atlantic Ocean, and nuke it a few more times while dropping it in.

Templeton snuck a peak from behind Phil's collar. Having finally run out of 'Food Delivery' options in the Yellow Pages that were still answering the phone, LOBO was in the kitchen trying to boil one of my frozen pot pies.

Needless to say, it burst into flames.

Eh, Templeton figured, it was a good run.

Predator Press Revealed!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Yes, 'o loyal reader!

As promised, today is the day I dispel this 'shroud of mystery' by releasing high-resolution pictures of the entire Predator Press staff!



Phoebe:



Sapphire:



Ethan:



Mr Insanity:

And 'Yours Truly':

Chinese

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So where the heck is FEMA already?

Phil and I are alone in Mr Insanity's place, surrounded by millions of deadly, carnivorous, man-eating cicadas!

Sapphire abandoned us after a speech about "Needing to save humankind from certain destruction," or something. Ah, you know chicks ... 'blah, blah, blah blablah, blah'. I wasn't paying attention.

But while exploring my rather posh tomb, I found Mr Insanity's digital scanner. And since I'm not under adult supervision --as mandated by Illinois State Law I might add-- I've decided to publish pictures of the entire Predator Press staff tomorrow, myself included.

How dare these people flout Illinois State Law?

But that’s tomorrow. Right now I'm starving, and the jerk delivering my Chinese is 45 minutes late.

I think the cicadas got him.

That means in another 15 minutes, they are going to be pissed.