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"The implications are clear," warns Doctor Kimberly Eisner, a Senior Researcher at the Center of Disease Control. "What we have here is clearly a pandemic in the making."
She is among the first scientists to discover that in blind experiments, when control groups of men walked around with catfish and certain strains of small mouth Bass in their underpants, painful cuts, lesions and rashes often appear on the male penis.
Most scientists attribute this to attacks by hungry and feral neighborhood cats, and question her motives and methods. Nonetheless, the Obama Administration recently granted her a twelve million dollar research grant to investigate the issue further.
"Men who walk around with catfish and certain strains of small mouth Bass in their underpants deserve a cure just like anybody else," Eisner insists. "The debilitating effects are horrifying to see, perhaps rivaled only by those who like to wear live hand grenades in their underpants."
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