Snuff Films and Meth
Predator Press
[LOBO]
“Ah,” says the guy. “I certainly don’t see those listed as hobbies very often.”
“Yeah, well I wanted my résumé to stand out.” I reply. “My pornographic Skittle mosaics never seem to get the traction I feel they deserve.”
“And your command of profanity is very impressive,” he observes, scanning my application.
“Thank you.”
Clearing his throat, he bumps the documents on the desk into a neat stack and sets them between us. Then, leaning back in his chair, he eyes me in a cool, calculating manner. “That was certainly a very interesting read,” he comments.
“I’ve done about five hundred of those things so far," I shrug. "The way I see it, at this phase of the interviewing process the only thing you should be worried about is whether or not I’ll fling poo at your clients.”
“Um, there’s no smoking in here.”
I put the cigarette out in his coffee.
“Sorry.”
He drums his fingers on the desk thoughtfully. “How exactly did you hear of this position with Planned Parenthood?”
“I’ve got my sources,” I says evasively. Glancing around to make sure we’re alone, I lean forward. “Hail Satan,” I whisper discretely.
“When can you start?”“How soon can you stop asking me dumb questions and cut me a check? I could start setting those little sluts straight right away.”
“You have to fill out a W-2.”
“More paperwork?” Exasperated, I shake my head. “You know what? I don’t think I want to work here anymore.” I flip my briefcase closed. “Can I just go back to sleep in your lobby?”
Comments
"Is it lying if you omit the truth when not directly asked about it?"
[*sigh*]
Brain freeze.
Let’s forget the true/false grammatical butchery for the moment, and try to distill what the company wants to hear. What if, for instance, your boss has asked you to take part in a confidential project? Corporations value secrecy ... so is this a question to simply weed out the dumb?
Moreover, “lying” –at least in this passive sense- is beyond lifestyle and profession: it’s the cornerstone of civilization! Can you imagine how quickly the world would burn if we went around compulsively blurting the truth about everything?
I picture people at this company clocking in and hurriedly insulting or [even better] complimenting each other’s vehicles, homes, pets, families, appearance, clothing, lack of aptitude, vacuous intellect, ad nauseam -all as quickly as possible in the vague hope of getting some work done over the next eight hours.
Don't we owe it to each other to lie? Isn't it incumbent upon us all to do so?
Still, the answer they were looking for –I think- is true, and so that’s how I answered it.
I lied.
-And I have insomnia.
Why the hell isn't Doctor Conrad Murray returning my calls!?