Bringing the Giant Down

Predator Press

Nurse Garrison pulls the curtain back with a well-practiced snap, and in my mind’s eye I can clearly see her, clipboard in hand, taking her seat. Doctor Nyarlathotep’s unmistakable tall, thin frame is silhouetted in full view.

“Why are you still in your leisure suit?” says Nurse Garrison with clearly insincere cheer. “We need you to put on the hospital gown as requested.”

“I’m sorry miss,” the man replies. “If I were anything other than polyester, I break out in hives.”

Nurse Garrison audibly scrawls on her clipboard. “What seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” the man pauses, choosing his words. “You know how those Viagra commercials tell you to seek medical attention if you have an erection for more than four hours?”

“Ah,“ says Doctor Nyrlathotep in a thick accent. “When did your erection start?”

“October.”

“Really?”

“October 1991, actually.”

-I hear Nurse Garrison’s pencil tumbling on the linoleum.

“Why would you wait all this time to seek medical help?” asks the doctor.

“Because of my occupation.”

Nurse Garrison flips some pages. “It says here you are a … cruise ship captain?”

“It’s kind of a long story. You know those cruises for single senior citizens?”

“Like Seniors Meet?“ Nurse Garrison offered.

“Precisely,” the man confirmed. “I snuck aboard one -the Sea Nile to be exact- in an effort to find love and happiness.”

“Love and happiness?” says Nurse Garrison. “It says here you’re only in your forties.”

“Yep. I would seek out the most unhealthy and oldest women possible. Triple bypasses, cancer, whatever. Then I would wine them and dine them until properly seduced. Then I would have the ship captain marry us.” I could see the shadow of his hands folding behind his head. “Once geezed up on booze, cocaine, meth, and wild freaky sex, they rarely survived the honeymoon.”

“And you would inherit their fortunes,” Nurse Garrison finished.

“That’s disgusting,” remarked the doctor.

“Well the captain apparently thought so too,” the man continued. “And during the subsequent investigation he found out I was a stowaway.”

Nurse Garrison snorted. “So you were thrown in the brig I would hope.”

“Nah. Seniors -somewhat skittish by nature- tend to be touchy about security issues. The crew of the Sea Nile found the whole situation embarrassing. I was forced to work in the galley to earn my fare until we reached the next port, where I would presumably face charges.”

The doctor seemed incredulous. “So what happened then?”

“Damndest thing,” the man replied. “The whole crew came down with food poisoning.”

“Really,” Nurse Garrison breathed. “I wonder how that happened.”

“Me too. Oddly, as in naval tradition, when a captain is knocked out of commission he is replaced by the first mate. And if the first mate is knocked out …”

“Yes,” Doctor Nyarlathotep nodded. “The succession of command at sea.”

“Well at some point, as the last official member of the crew not afflicted, eventually that succession came all the way down to me.”

I could see the shadow of Doctor Nyarlathotep’s head shaking. “So as the only unpoisoned member of the crew, you became captain.”

“Well, acting captain I suppose. But I did get me one of those cool hats.”

“You were never caught?”

“I assigned a passenger task force of little old ladies to solve the crimes, but they all turned up dead.”

“What did they die of?” the nurse asked.

“Booze, cocaine, meth, and wild freaky sex. It was all very mysterious. My First Mate -Noodlecakes- was concerned-

"Noodlecakes?"

"He is a Yorkshire Terrier, I think.  But anyway, Noodlecakes was concerned the seniors might mutiny.  We decided to, uh, distract them somehow.”

Sensing an uncomfortable pause, the doctor prompted the man. “What did you do then?”

“I started marrying the passengers to each other. Randomly at first, then alphabetically. Soon I had the system pretty refined based on size, race, religion …”

“Oh my God,” Nurse Garrison moaned.

“But it was going really smoothly,” the man insisted. “Except when the already married couples were married to other people. They kept going back to their original spouses! I don’t run a ship of debauched sinners, and have a very strict policy when it comes to adultery on my watch.”

Doctor Nyarlathotep, rubbing his temples, turned to Nurse Garrison and articulated exactly what I was thinking.

“Doesn’t this all sound strangely familiar?”

I could resist no longer. Leaping up from my own hospital bed, I threw the curtain wide on the startled three that I may lay eyes on this singular man, this patient who could be no other than-

“Dad!” I cried.