A ‘meat and potatoes’ guy myself, not a lot of foreign cuisine sneaks across my rather discriminating palette. But every once in a while there is a lapse in my security -otherwise airtight, I assure- and I feel I owe it to you O loyal reader, to complain about it in great, anguished, and excruciating detail.
While how we got the Grape Nuts cereal remains a mystery, I strongly suspect Terri: we’ve been married two years now, and I’m virtually positive it isn’t the first time poisoning me would have crossed her mind.
It has the texture you would guess human brains mixed with tiny bone fragments might feel like. And how do Grape Nuts taste? For a toxic gash in the fabric of culinary history, it's surprisingly not very subtle or apologetic: imagine eating pulverized mulch, soil and tree bark dogs have peed on for years. Mix that with a generous sprinkling of rabbit turds, and eating it out of a corrugated box with only a spade and a rake. Okay, are you picturing that? Now imagine eating only the box. Grape Nuts -utterly bereft of grapes or nuts, I should add- should be called ‘Rape Guts.’

-I would warn them to run for their lives, but I’m far too embarrassed. In fact I'm sorry but if my weeds start growing out of my ass, we’re all going to die and that’s that.
Grape Nuts scores impressively, however, in practical secondary applications. It makes a great spackle for instance. The stucco patterns one can achieve are fantastic. Has a tree in your neighborhood recently been felled by a storm? A box of Grape Nuts, some water and fertilizer, and you can just stick that sucker right back on the stump.
Another high-scoring secondary feature is how it elevates the art of farting: it’s analogous to going from mere garden-variety ma an pa sticks of dynamite to military shaped charges. Terri had some friends over from work, and I didn’t even have to enter the room: from the top of the stairs, I cut a SBD that felt like I passed a hot light bulb.

The next time Terri makes me go to church, I’m gonna choke down a whole box of this crap.
***
There is some good news on the foreign food front. We ate at a place called “Panda Express” the other day. Who knew panda was so delicious? Judging from the number of customers, I'll bet they were serving up four of five pandas a day! This is Entrepreneurialism at it's finest. And what better way to raise awareness of the plight of the mighty panda, nearly extinct, than to remind Americans how mouth-wateringly good they are when nuggettized and in a honey glaze -just like you would get them in Nature?
And they're only extinct because they won't have sex, right? How nappy must those panda bitches and hos be if a male panda -born in a zoo and never had no sex before- don't want to toss 'em good an proper on top of the plastic habitat that looks like a rock? Maybe the male panda is looking for something a little more upscale and refined, sensitive to his needs -like a panda in a cheerleader outfit. Would it kill her to wear a cheerleader outfit every once in a while?

Anyway, I can’t say enough about Panda Express, nor their fine work and noble commitment to save the lazy and otherwise worthless panda.
-And maybe they have a card I can get stamped for a free panda in the future!
3 comments:
Your soppose to put sugar in the grape nuts! But nooooo...you had to have it your way :)
Disclaimer: Predator Press does not endorse the burninig and wanton destruction of farms growing, manufacturers producing, trucks moving, silos storing, nor stores selling the fine product "Grape Nuts," nor harming anyone guilty of aiding in Grape Nut-related commerce. Nor burning down the afore-mentioned conspirator's personal property and/or beating them into a pasty batter -crushed to a horrific destiny of homelessness, 2-G networks, and Windows programs that get updated once a year by climbing a telephone pole when weather permits.
Also, Predator Press does not endorse the ideas and beliefs of this author.
They show human porn to pandas, seriously. And BTW Grape Nuts are far more hurty than you are letting on!
Post a Comment