Bindsay Bohan: the Motion Picture

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“LOBO Productions,” I says coolly into the phone.The line is a bit loud with white noise, and the connection is terrible.

”Hello,” a female voice replies politely. “I’m calling to inquire about a film you have in production. It’s called “Linday Lohan: Fighting the Fears.”

“Ah yes,” I reply. “It’s kind of a biography of Lindsay Lohan.”

”Can I speak to whoever is in charge of that film?”

“You’re speaking to him” I says, twirling the telephone cord in my finger. Shiftless, my son, enters the kitchen, and I immediately put my finger to my lips, giving him the universal ‘Shhhhh!’ kata.

“LOBO Productions has their receptionist working on films?”

“Scorcese has the switchboard next week,” I explain. Shiftless, who is now making a sandwich, is rudely pushed aside as I dig into the junk drawer. “It’s a work study thing. Sorta so we can ‘keep it real.’”

“Hey,” says Shiftless, annoyed.

-Shhh!

“Thank you Mister Spielberg,” I says at Shiftless dismissively. From the drawer, I withdraw some napkins with notes scribbled on them. “Linday Lohan: Fighting the Fears. Yes. I have the script right here.”

”Well I’m Lindsay Lohan.”

“Who?” I says absently, trying to decipher the napkin scrawl.

“Lindsay Lohan. I never heard anything from my agent about this project. Am I expected to be in it?”

“We would love to have you in this movie,” I says truthfully. “How soon can you audition?”

[a brief pause]

”You want me to audition? For the role portraying myself?"

“I’m sorry if I mislead you Miss, eh-"

"Lohan."

"But-“ I spin the napkins back and forth. Some of the smudges even require me to read the sloppy jotting from the reversed side. “It appears this is our big Oscar push, and we wanted to cast the roll as early as possible -with a crushing heavyweight lead, the like of Tom Hanks or Robert De Niro.”

”Who did you get?”

“Chris Tucker.”

”Who is she?”

“I do have a cocktail waitress roll I think you would be perfect for,” I offer.

”You want me to be in a movie about me, where someone else plays me-“

“Not just anybody plays you, Miss Lohan. Chris Tucker plays you.”

”Wait. Is this that ‘LOBO’ guy that I have all those Temporary Restraining Orders against?”

“No it’s not,” I says. “But while we’re on the subject, is the TRO in Tulsa really necessary? You never go there unless it’s a flight connection.”

“If you go through with this movie, I’ll sue you down to the contents of your colon before I have you killed.”

“Fine,” I sigh. “I’m abandoning the project.”

”Good,” she says with finality.

Click!

“How did it go?” asks Shiftless, pulling his sandwich plate to the table.

“Pretty good,” I says. On the napkin I change ‘Lindsay Lohan: Fighting the Fears’ title to ‘Bindsay Bohan: Biting the Bears.’

Putting the notes back in the junk drawer, I shrug. “We got a lot of boring legalese out of the way.”