Ask LOBO: How to Blog

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, ”LOBO, I too want to start a blog that’s a raging commercial success read by millions and millions of people everyday –just like Predator Press. How do I do it?”

Well I’m glad you asked me that.


# 1: Steal Ideas. There’s no shame in it out here. In fact, the idea for this post was originally Chris Cameron’s –the distinguished and erudite author of Angry Seafood.

I just happen to type faster.

# 2: Keep it Real. Forget whatever your English teacher told you. Nobody gives two craps about your spelling, punctuation and grammer ... what they really want to know about is the humdrum mundane stuff that makes up the minutia of your life. Get a cat and post pictures with canned captions like “Saltwater fish? But I’m cutting back on my sodium!”

I also happen to be a big fan of Twitter. I’ve mastered it. In the “What I am doing now” box, I put “Typing” about 6,005,004 times until I learned that I could cut and paste stuff with hotkeys. Now I can put “Cutting and Pasting ‘Typing’ With Hotkeys” 10 times faster than I ever could type “Typing”.

# 4: Use the Technology. Speaking of Twitter, get lots and lots of poppup windows and modules. I can't say enough about modules. The more modules you have, the greater likelihood at least one of them will be totally crashed and produce a ‘broken link’. Broken links are like a Google aphrodisiac. Also, broken links add to the lag time of loading your page thusly keeping your readers stuck there longer.

# 9: Be Flashy, Get Noticed. Use impossibly attractive photography and indirectly imply that it’s you. Then doctor them up with cool glittery effects circa MySpace.

Nothing impresses readers like glittery pics. And cats like it.

# 4: Make Sure Your Site Blasts Music Upon Arrival. Even if people like the song, there’s a pretty decent chance they aren’t currently listening to it. And if they are listening to it, you might have created a nifty echo effect that will endear your reader forever.

Some people are already listening to music while they are browsing. Screw them: your musical tastes are clearly superior and it’s high time they knew it! I mean if their music was so great, they would be listening to it instead of surfing blogs, right?

Also helpful is to make the ‘pause’ button on your music difficult to find. Nothing triggers a frantic search on your blog like a cubicle in a sea of cubicles suddenly blaring your 80’s crap. They might notice something they otherwise would have missed!

# 10: Know Thine Enemy. Below is a collection of links to blogging heavyweights who have offered up some of their "helpful" tips and techniques. These blogs should be avoided at all costs: They are only pretending to provide useful information in hopes that you will remain in dismal obscurity. You should stay here at Predator Press where we only have your best interests and success at heart.


Brent Diggs: The Secret to Writing Humor

Blog Like SinisterDan! Or Else!

Diesel: How to Write a Funny Rambling Style Post

Diesel: Me and My Big Head

Diesel: Close to Ten Tips on How to Write a Funny Blog Post
(yeesh. Alright Mister #1 Diesel. We get it already!)


And there you go: LOBO's 10 tips for successful blogging.

I may add some more links here and there, but you get the picture.

Now go!

Blog!

(Thank you Rickey for appearing on LIVE LOBO SATURDAY!!)