Predator Press Interviews: Clay Aiken

Predator Press

LOBO: It's an honor to meet you sir!

Clay: Well thanks! It's nice to be here.

LOBO: You're a lot smaller than I expected.

Clay: What?

LOBO: I guess it's true the camera puts on like 100 pounds. What're you, a buck-twenty soaking wet?

Clay: What the are you talking about?

LOBO: You must have been fast as hell. If them other football players woulda caught you, they'da squished you.

Clay: What football players?

LOBO: That's the spirit. A scrawny guy like you out there on the field's probably gotta have a scrappy attitude. 'Specially having been inducted into the Pro-Football Hall of Fame.

Clay: Don't call me scrawny.

LOBO: I wanted to draft you for my Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football team. Did you retire from the Dallas Cowboys and stop working out completely? Oh wow. Was it 'roids? Is this, like, the husk of an athlete after you burned out on anabolics and Gatorade 'an stuff?

Clay: No, it wasn't 'roids'. I think you have me confused with Troy Aikman.

LOBO: Who?

Clay: Troy Aikman. The football player. The Cowboys' first-round draft pick in 1989. Led the team to three Super Bowl wins. Winningest starting quarterback of any decade with 90 of 94 career wins occurring in 1990s. Held or tied 47 Dallas passing records, and posted 13 regular season and four playoff 300-yard passing games. Named to six Pro Bowls, All-Pro 1993, All-NFC Second Team 1994, 1995. Born November 21, 1966, in West Covina, California.

LOBO: That makes sense. I was wondering why when Troy got into that fight with that chick on the airplane a few years ago, he didn't just kick her ass right through the fuselage.

Clay: That was me that got into the fight.

LOBO: So who won?

Clay: It wasn't that kind of fight.

LOBO: What kind of fight was it?

Clay: It was an argument.

LOBO: Oh, c'mon. It was on the news and everything!

Clay: I don't really want to discuss it.

LOBO: Why? Did you get you're your ass kicked or something?

Clay: I said I don't want to talk about it.

LOBO: Well what do you want to talk about?

Clay: You're conducting the interview.

LOBO: Well, uh, have you ever done anything interesting?

Clay: I was on American Idol. I did very well. It was in all the papers.

LOBO: Did you ever meet Sanjaya?

Clay: Well, yeah.

LOBO: That Sanjaya kicks ass. I'll bet after winning that year, they hadda bring him back next season just to try and do the impossible and have him defeated. Impossible!

Clay: Actually I think Sanjaya got voted off that year.

LOBO: Really?

Clay: Yeah.

LOBO: Do you know him? I would really like to interview him.

Clay: I really don't think I would put him through this.

LOBO: Say are you hungry?

Clay: Well maybe a little.

LOBO: We're ordering sandwiches from the deli. Want one?

Clay: Do you have a menu?

LOBO: Menu? You don't want a menu. Most of their food is terrible. But they've got fantastic Reuben. Man, I highly recommend eating a big, fat Reuben sandwich from this place.

Clay: Are you screwing with me? We can do this thing in the parking lot if you want.

LOBO: The parking lot? We can't do an interview from the parking lot. And we're ordering from the deli. They won't deliver our food there.

Clay: I know women that could kick your ass.

LOBO: I'll bet! Man, you must've scored a sh**-ton of chicks after that American Idol thing.

Clay: What? Was that some kind of sarcastic crack? I just became a dad. I'm not gay.

LOBO: I'll say. You should try and get more sleep. You're about the crankiest person I've ever interviewed.


Contact Angry Seafood to join the
Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!