Divided You Fall

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Want a decent example of how fucked contemporary America is? Rush Limbaugh and I are in total agreement.

The single surviving facet not struck down by the Supreme Court in Arizona's attempt to get a handle on their "Immigration" issue was the one where, if lawfully stopped, the police were authorized to verify the citizenship status of the individual.

Let me start by saying I do not think the need to present an ID is a racist issue. Even I, the Mighty LOBO -Senior LOBOnian Diplomat and Liason to the United States- have to present identification several times a week.

So all ten people legally in Arizona said, "Hey, we have to pay for these untaxed people through social services funded by our legal residents. Federal law prohibits this type undocumented 'occupation,' but you Feds are not enforcing your own laws. And this is really screwing the four people in Arizona who are paying taxes."

The Supreme Court rejected virtually every element of Arizona's proposed laws -based ironically on the fact that "immigration" is an exclusively Federal issue- but retained Arizona's right to identify "illegals" to the Feds.

So cool, right? At least the Feds are still on board?

Within HOURS of this teeny "victory," Federal officials told Arizona "Yeah. You can find out if they are illegal or not. But don't call us about it." I swear to God that's exactly what happened: the 'United' States told Arizona "You're still on your own."

So Arizona is handcuffed to whatever al qaeda fuck that wanders in without recourse because the Feds decided to be defunct and useless by selective enforcement of their own law? That's at least dereliction of duty if not outright treason, and Arizona is obliged to manage an unenforceable, porous, dangerous and expensive border as a consequence.

-Whoops ... can we really even call it a "border" at this point with a straight face?

I cite the United States in contempt of it's own hallowed "Constitution," and if I were Arizona, I would secede from this so-called "Union" entirely. LOBOnia backs Arizona 100%. Moreover, LOBOnia has plenty of room for Arizona, and invites Arizona to become an official LOBOnian territory -replete with a LOBOnian government and LOBOnian taxation.

C'mon Arizona. Think about it at least.

-LOBOnia has better weather too.

Predator Press Semi-Annual Caption Contest Winner Announced

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Congrats to Alex L., author of the relentlessly insightful Discrete Charm of the Middle Class for his winning entry.

Well, the only entry actually.

-But I’ve grossly underestimated how much work goes into having these “Caption Contests,” aka judging them and stuff.

With all my candor I’m sure it’s very easy to forget that I’m a dignitary -an emissary from the great nation of LOBOnia, a 10-foot mobile US breakaway province that surrounds me at all times.

It tends to be very time consuming.

And we often mutually benefit from the intertrading commodities -LOBOnia even uses your American currencies.

“Hello you wonderful Americans!” I always singsong as I enter a gas station.

See, America and LOBOnia have great relations overall. In fact there’s nothing I enjoy more than bursting into large groups of industrious hard-working Americans and greeting them effusively.

Invariably, I am met with those silent smiles, the smiles of people drinking in the goodwill and friendship established between these two mighty empires. Seizing the moment, I will approach the countertop deskspace –the area where the proprietor carefully checks his magazines for unsightly typos.

“Ahmed my good man,” I says. “Have you voted for Diesel yet today?"

"Who?"

"Diesel. He's a famous guy on the computer thingy. Drives a car with a clitoris?"

More polite smiling.

"-ah forget it. Ahmed, I wish to engage in a series of negotiations which will allow me to import a rather large emergency cache of Funyuns.”

“Isle Two,” says Ahmed.

“Your assistance in these matters are as always appreciated,” I says embarking for "Isle Two" ... about three feet away. “When your American President inevitably seeks an audience with me, I will be sure to underline your vigorous efforts to facilitate our frequent commerce.”

“$2.11,” says Ahmed.

“It says $1.99 on the bag.”

Ahmed rolls his eyes. “It’s an import-export tariff.”

“I have authorized no such levee.”

“$2.11,” says Ahmed.

I shake my scepter warningly. “But it says $1.99 on the bag!”

[*sigh*]

-Being a dignitary is very time consuming.

Congrats Alex!

Predator Press Reviews: Canadian Bacon

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, the author of such books as Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 has gone and scared the shit out of me again with his latest documentary Canadian Bacon, starring critically acclaimed Rip Torn and a lot of other really talented actors.

In this movie, Roger Moore unveils footage of Americans concocting a phony threat from another country in order to secure political stability and fulfill the agenda of a greedy profiteer that personally benefits from America’s participation in a war.

--God, if I would’ve written it as a science fiction story you wouldn’t have believed it.

Well, needless to say, I panicked and seceded from the United States.

No, I’m serious. I have proudly hoisted the new flag of glorious Sovereign LOBONIA.

It's a little too 'friendly' as far as I'm concerned, but I want to encourage the local "surf and sand" lifestyle, as well as robust trade, supermodel tourism, and hearty taxation.

Rather 'geographically inconvenient' for the Capitalist pig-dogs, LOBONIA is smack in the middle of Illinois, and surrounded on all borders by entire suburbs of lousy hostiles and bewildered, asshole neighbors that have absolutely zero tolerance for the seemingly-alien culture and strange mores of my proud people.

Because of this, I've “liberated” some traffic barricades, and have placed them right where you would turn onto my street: none of you crazy foreigners and illegal aliens and immigrants are allowed beyond my new International Passport Checkpoint of Doom without being pelted by a massive arsenal of state-of-the-art, “fire and forget” UN approved non-allergenic water balloons.

... Except the mailman. I didn’t get the water bill last month, and I’m worried that it's going to get shut off.

The mailman is crucial to my Defense Program.

Foreign Policy

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When Terri pointed out the bizarre story that Saudi Arabia had deported three men for being "too irresistible to women" [linked here], the entire tiny yet robust nation of LOBOnia immediately seceded from the United States.

LOBOnia, as you know, is the invisible ten foot mobile sphere that surrounds me at all times.

-I figured getting kicked out of Saudi Arabia could be a real career boost.

Still, despite having cast off the shackles of American oppression, I fidget nervously.

"Has Saudi Arabia called about my deportation yet?"

Terri rolls her eyes.

"No," she sighs.

"Well I can't wait to get the back into the shackles of American oppression forever,"  I complain.  "I called the Saudi embassy, but the guy that answers the phone only speaks gibberish and eventually hangs up on me. What kind of lunatic country does that?"

"It sounds like you will fit right in," she replies.

-Uh oh.

Rejection Coverage 2008

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As today marks the last day of my stuff being featured in the Clay Pigeon, I've decided that I need to do something educational. As the sole source of news for millions and millions of readers, I figure Predator Press owed it to the masses to weigh in finally on the up-and-coming elections.

Now when I say "up-and-coming", I mean to say November. That's nine more months of this crap, and I'm already sick to death of it. I can't turn on the television without seeing one or more of those windbag pricks.

This country has completely lost sight of any semblance of importance and priority. What about our own princess in distress Britney Spears? Or the charming romantic misadventures of our own beloved Ben Affleck? I can't even remember the last time I saw a juicy scoop on Paris Hilton!

Someone needs to get America back on track.

The truth is none of the presidential candidates are touching on real issues the America cares about at all. It's all, 'economy this,' and 'energy crisis that', and 'blah blah blah war'. Which country are these people running for? Nobody gives two craps about any of these things.

Not a single candidate has addressed the single most burning issue on everyone's mind: How will America will conduct International Policy with the Republic of LOBOnia?

Not one.

As many of you longtime readers already know, LOBOnia is the mobile 12' circle that surrounds myself at all times. (It used to be only 10', but we have been on an aggressive and successful expansion campaign since 2006 in anticipation of the wedding to the fair LadyTerri. Did your much-lauded Wall Street Journal cover that?)

The truth is America abuses our non-aggression pact all the time. One only has to be with me when I go to O'Hare Airport to witness unbridled violations of our no-fly zone. I've filed countless unanswered claims with your government about the numerous breaches of my diplomatic immunity and tax-free status ... and don't even get me started on what I pay for international calls: Cingular is raping me every month.

How do you think that effects our respective national relations?

Hm?

The Predator Press Institute of Political Analysis has found concusively that not one of these candidates are worthy to lead your great nation into the Age of LOBOnian Enlightenment inevitably to come.

Hillary Clinton: Are you seriously going to vote for someone devoid of the common decent courtesy to put the toilet seat back up when she's done using it?

Blech!

Barack Obama: I'm sorry. But after all these years of oppression, don't you think it's time for a white guy to catch a break?

Argyle socks are huge again, and 'Riverdance' is all the rage with young people.

Our time has come.

John McCain: Just look at that tie.

OMG.

I'm not ready for whatever psychedelic hippie crap this guy must be espousing.

This entire campaign would be derailed with the use of a simple drug test.


???: I don't know who exactly this guy is, but those eyebrows are pissing me off. And the last time I saw a haircut like that, it had bits and pieces of omlet in it from scubbing the skillet.

Time to 'phone home' buddy.

... NEXT!

Brian "The Ultimate Warrior" Hellwig: Let's see Chinese President Hu Jintao skimp on the safety of children's toys and pet food after a devastating 'Warrior Splash'.

Not only is Brian a fantastic candidate, but he's a great example of what a strict diet of turducken and Jolt Cola can do.


William "Captain Kirk" Shatner: Now here's a guy who is on my personal "A" list. Not only does he have all the necessary qualifications to be an effective commander of my sprawling intergalactic empire, but unlike McCain he's got the "tie" thing together. See that? Understated. Elegant. Classy. And not afraid of two-headed green space chicks ... what a perfect heir to the Clinton legacy.

Plus we could move the whole space armada using deep Priceline discounts.

Han Solo: Lastly, I present to you perhaps the coolest candidate of all. I mean sure the actor that plays him is about as interesting as a box of rocks off-camera. But that Ford guy is an actor: Han Solo was a total BMF before the 'Special Edition' where Greedo shoots lamely in his direction first and gets his own head blasted off. But as you may well remember, in the Star Wars Unrated Release, Han and Luke tune Greedo up with baseball bats for about four minutes first.

Alas, it will be hard to separate him from his ties to crime families.

There you have it folks ... the long-awaited Predator Press list of 2008 presidential nominees.

Our apologies for not offering these sooner, but our glaring absence from commentary on the political spectrum has ended: we now recognize that you people apparently thing is pretty important.

We'll do it again next year.

I promise.

As a reminder, here's a picture of a tattoo far too painful for me to actually get.

So Complex Cassandra

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I wasn't surprised when the fight broke out at the plant today.

-Twelve hour six-day weekly shifts, blisters on blisters, and brutal, intense cold since October will get you some fucking fights.

And I started the shift in a state of pre-aggitatation myself: the Feds are wiping their ass with some bullshit “Constitution” via the NSA. Simultaneously, they're shitting on Colorado's State Rights to legalize cannabis by making the proceeds illegal to deposit in banks ... thus, a legal business Colorado supported is being meddled with and physically endangered in a pussy-ass chicken-shit attempt to trick them into laundering money.

-A Federal Offense.

Hmmmmm.

So who owns the banks? Who owns America? Who do they represent?  Who owns this big lie “Freedom," and why did all those all those brave guys die defending it?

I'm not sure why it bothers me frankly. LOBOnia seceded from the “American Dream” many, many, many tax seasons ago.  We don't understand paying somebody to fuck with Us in pursuit of “Liberty”: the “Land-of-Opportunity to rub nickels together for some fuck on a distant foreign beach yelling into his cellephone about his profit margin between blowjobs” can kiss Our royal ass.

LOBOnia formally requests Colorado to send diplomats and delegates to hammer out Peace Treaty terms, and discuss a possible Alliance.

(Catered by Fritos.)

Hey This Shinola Smells Like Crap

Predator Press

[LOBO]


I don't know what I'm more excited about -the move to California or the nod as John Nobody's Vice Presidential running mate.

At first I figured I should prioritize the up-and-coming election. You know, start making up the policies and so forth I would be pretending to stick to?

But then I found out Don Lewis went to Oregon.

On purpose.

-Man, this election is going to be a piece of cake.


***

So about the trip. This post -like the last one- is kinda hastily slapped together. Before we left, Comcast was kind enough to turn our services off a day early. Rendered wholly unable to use the phone and pay off the bill with my VISA due to this, I considered the remaining balance as a 'going away present' and spent the entire $200 frivolously on postcards and snowglobes from obscure locations across continental LOBOnia.

Thanks Comcast! I would send you this snowglobe of Twentynine Palms, but you would probably break that too.

Now safely on the "other side," we find ourselves hanging by a tenuous fingernail with internet connectivity once again. We are staying with Terri's relatives, and Terri's relatives are Mac users.

But do not judge Terri's woefully uniformed Mac-using relatives too harshly! Remember we are mooching heavily from these people; this is no time to point out their laughable choice of a clearly inferior so-called "operating" system.

Nay, this is a time where patient understanding and tolerance of their quaint eccentricities and dumb misguided boobery must be respected and embraced as our own.

For today, Terri and I shall be respectful of this pagan foolishness. But once we figure out these weird and counter-intuitive Mac network configurations, we will surely inform them of their colossal technological blunders and mournful misgivings: !!!Whammo!!! -The mighty oak tree of TRUTH will come a-callin', right upside the head.


***

As far as the contiguous parts of our great nation of LOBOnia, let me first point out I had no idea how big it is. It's too big. I mean it took like fifty gallons of gas to get accross it!

I'm going to level with you: I don't need this much space.

Plus I need some quick cash.

Does anyone know if any countries might be interested in shelling out a few hundred bucks for the east side of it? I'm not there anymore, and therefore there can't be a while lot going on. It does hold some sentimental value, but still I seriously doubt it would be missed.

The best current offer is from a fun-loving scrubby-looking group of guys called "The Taliban": on the table is four cows, six virgins and 500 free hours on AOL.

While this appeared to be a tempting offer at first, it turns out that four of the six virgins were actually the cows anyway, and the remaining two virgins were hippopotamus women with unkempt toenails that extended waaay beyond their sandals.

All damn day I heard nothing but clackitty-clicketty-clack against the linoleum, and the occasional mournful wail when one periodically snagged in the shag carpet.

Ultimately I'll probably turn "The Taliban" down.

How could I possibly allow beloved Pianosa I's shag carpet be reduced to bloodied tufts as such?

Besides, their music sucks.


***

Anyways, I do miss Pianosa I. The full weight of emotions didn't fully hit until the morning we arrived here at Pianos II -my tiny black heart collapsed into a singularity and exploded.

-Well, it kinda coughed for a second. If you look closely, there's a stress fracture in the left ventricle. I'm almost sure it's permanent too.

But Terri did this for me a year and a half ago. She sold and gave away everything, told her family goodbye, and "followed her heart" with only me to rely on.

Would you cross a woman that crazy?

FUCK Monday

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The problem with working on Predator Press is that it has taken all the spice out of calling off of work ... thus, basking in my usual slothful indolence has lost a certain degree of debauched and ruthless zeal.

Still, I can offer up endless lame excuses all day long to you, o loyal reader.

Because I care.

So here goes:

"Dear Boss,

The reason I don't get around to blogging very often is that I occasionally moonlight as a double-secret agent. Last week I was in LOBOnia investigating MINDERBINDER, INC for the United States Government. (LOBOnia is a country a little south of Nigeria and a little north of, uh, Antarctica.) It was there that I was taken by surprise by a well-armed horde of time-traveling Space Mongols. I was subsequently held in a concentration camp for forty-four years, escaping with only the cunning use of my hair gel and a twig.

I’m now blogging via satellite, riding on the back of an elephant through Deepest Darkest Africa in search of the US Embassy. But satellites are really heavy, and my elephant is getting tired and cranky so I have to keep this short.

I have to warn the world of the coming Space Mongol invasion which would totally happen if you fired me. I also think I should not do anything resembling work tomorrow either … you know … in case anything weird happens. I need to conserve my energy.

The President, Myself, and the rest of the Free World all thank you for your cooperation and understanding in this matter, and I will blog some more as soon as I find a new elephant."

Ahhhh ... that's better.

Press Release: I Am Definitely NOT 'The Emperor'

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As an official diplomat of the vast country of LOBOnia, I would quickly like to point out that I have never uttered the words, "I am The Emperor and I'm here to take over state government".

Just to be clear, that would have been crazy.

LOBOnia is a peace-loving nation of people that often go to great efforts in pursuit of not getting beaten up or shot; "Chancellor" is maybe more along the lines of what we were getting at.

You know, something fun.

Ask LOBO

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Millions and millions of people are always asking me every day, “LOBO, with that chiseled physique, isn’t it your patriotic duty to compete for LOBOnia in the Olympics?”

-For those of you new to Predator Press, LOBOnia is a sovereign nation whose citizens occupy a mobile 10-foot US breakaway province that surrounds me at all times.

And while we are generally a very laid back people, those other countries can be total assholes: economic relations tend to be sound and mutually beneficial, but diplomatic relations are often strained nonetheless ... nothing good could come from me demonstrating their physical inferiority and lack of athletic prowess right smack on television. Giving the Russians or the Americans another reason to bomb us in a fit of humiliated jealousy just seems dumb.

Plus, remember when I announced I was going to compete in last year’s Olympics? Those pansies didn‘t even show up.

... I bought all those steroids and a Nordic Track for nothing.

LOBONIA SURRENDERS; SUES FOR PEACE

Predator Press

Shortest Insurrection in US History

”The sooner we get our Reparations, the sooner we can rebuild,” says Lobonain Chancellor. "Now will you please turn my cable back on?"

PEACE ACCORD ACHIEVED

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, thanks to extensive LOBOnian Diplomacy, over the span of a single weekend the long-sought-after Peace between the volatile Fort Waynians and the warlike Sanduskanites has been achieved.

God, to look at them you never think the potentially-Apocalyptic conflict even occurred!

As Prime Minister of LOBOnia, I would just like to say no thanks or Nobel Peace Prizes are necessary; we only wanted to intervene before more needless bloodshed.

… but didn't Yasser Arafat get, like, 9 billion dollars for this sort of thing?

White House Refuses to Answer Subpoenas

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When I saw that headline on CNN.com, I thought, 'Wow, you can just refuse to answer them?' Too bad Paris Hilton didn't know that a month ago. And just wait until Babs finds out!

As Supreme Chancellor of the tiny country of LOBOnia -the border being a 10-foot mobile radius around myself- this has little effect on me; we seceded from the nation months ago. But this is fantastic news for you, 'o Loyal Reader!

Cast away those piles of nuisance parking and speeding tickets, as the reign of oppression is no more. I would still recommend a non-confrontational attitude if you're ever pulled over by the police, as they might not yet be aware that they have no authority whatsoever.

The fact that they were living a lie all this time might be somewhat traumatic. Be supportive. Offer him or her one the refreshing beers icing in the passenger seat, and maybe a soothing hit off of your bong; revelations like this are seldom pleasant, and a kind, humanitarian gesture like that might make all the difference in the world.

Above all, be gracious in your moment of moral victory. Remember, this poor slob is now dejected, unemployed, on drugs and alcohol, and still has a shit-ton of weapons for which to "tune you up".

--just like in the Good 'Ole Days.

Ask LOBO

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Before there was LOBOnia, there was America -a vast and untamed frontier.

When we arrived on the Nina, the Pinto, and the Santa Fe, we all had major issues: the Ellis Island locals -"Indians"- had lost our luggage, and gave us a lot of shit about our passports.  But I rented horses and a wagon from AVIS, and a few of us struck out west.

For our Destiny.

***

"Sapphire has been fighting that grizzly bear for hours," Flandsa Ha’asasanba yelled over the windy blizzard two months later.  "We should help her!  I am cold and hungry, and she is trying to get us bear meat and a pelt."

"I got ten bucks on the bear," I yells back.  "Fuck that.  Besides, the dashboard on this wagon is giving me low tire pressure warnings.  That's totally unfixable.  We should use the wagon for a fire and eat the horses!"

And that is why, to this day, I live in Chicago.

Rejection Coverage 2012

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Staring down the barrel of one of the most depressing, disproportionately-charged presidential elections in decades, I suppose some rare political commentary is warranted.

From Romney’s poor categorization of Russian foreign policy to Obama’s flabbergasting ignorance(?) of the role of the Supreme Court, I have seen enough historic distortion and political boobery to be genuinely concerned over the fate of a country LOBOnia shares deep and mutually-beneficial diplomatic ties with.

The United States of America.

My issue with Obama is simply that if he held off the announcement of Osama Bin Laden’s [OBL] death at least for a few weeks, we could have used the intelligence we gathered at his compound and snuffed out Al Qaeda entirely. My issue with Romney is kinda less-specified, but one only has to listen to Rush Limbaugh for five minutes to cement distrust for the Republican Party .

Under the much-ballyhooed Ronald Reagan, my life was never worse. I bussed tables at a “Duff’s” smorgasbord, and worked as a pizza cook in an effort to feed my family –all for four dollars and twenty-five cents an hour. And I was “lucky” to have it, as there was always five or six job applications from people just as desperate for the jobs I had.

There’s no point to this post, other than the sheer creeping horror I’m dealing with.

I always took it on Faith that the people in charge would be better than me. Smarter.

-I am officially concerned.

E-Bay Raid-Afay. E-Bay Ery-Vay Raid-Afay

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Dear eBay,

I just did a search for "Kung Fu Hustle DVD", and this came up.

This is not a DVD, it's a UMD.

To me, it's this is the pricey equivalent of a drink coaster.

I can see typing in a plain movie name and getting T-shirts 'an crap. But when I specifically search "Kung Fu Hustle DVD" I do not want a Kung Fu Hustle toaster. Nor do I want Kung Fu Hustle hair gel.

I want a DVD.

In no way is this a DVD.

To avoid confusion, I use a very simple principle to determine what is a DVD:


RULE # 1:

My DVD player plays it.

-This is to a DVD like a Boeing 747 is to foot powder.

Your negligence and total lack of precision almost cost me $10 ... Please feel free to continue this logic when you seek my credit card payment, and charge it to Brent Diggs.

Nonetheless, for betraying the prosperous commerce LOBOnia and America have peacefully shared for years -and dammit crimes against Humanity- I see no recourse other than to deal out harsh penalties for your treasonous acts: I hereby bestow upon you the official Predator Press Stone of Shame, and have had it permanently installed just outside of your main entrance.

Every day your employees come and go to work, they will be forced to gaze upon it and reflect on this shameful moment in history.

kewlguy_LOBO77

Sneakery

Predator Press


Distressed by civil unrest and cable atrocities in Lobonia Illinois, Tony Blair withdraws troops from someplace

All-night 'rave' renders Parliament blissfully unaware

See Ethan? We Can Do Politics Too!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Alas, fair Fort Wayne, Indiana; there is treachery afoot!

Even as you sleep, Sansduky, Ohio is spreading disinformation about you and beloved LOBOnia in a vain effort to divide our peoples by eroding our long-standing diplomatic ties for an inevitable attack.

I trust, by your name, that you indeed have a "fort", and hopefully it is of the good sturdy treehouse variety; we have intercepted 'chatter' sent to us that contains invasion plans, as well as a string of malicious obscenities about your mommas so vile I dare not print them here.

As you ready your war machines to avenge this slander, you may take solace in that all peace efforts have already been exhausted without heed: the Sanduskians, a warlike and expansionist community just seething with cooties, would have no part in any of the numerous LOBOnian efforts to achieve a diplomatic resolution.

The hearts, minds and prayers of the LOBOnain people go with you into the doubtlessly bloody carnage that they have wrought upon us all.

Woe to thee, o Sandusky! Why have you demanded the righteous, indignant wrath of two staunchly unified and powerful allies upon yourselves?

(God, this is fun. I feel just like Ronald Reagan!)

Russia Invades Georgia!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

After being without electricity for nine hours, imagine my surprise to find out Russia has boldly moved into Georgia with tanks and militia!

While I will most certainly miss the World's Largest Peanut Monument and the Replica of the Statue of Liberty, you have to tip your hat to the tactical brilliance of the Ruskies here: they have put themselves in a good position to strike at Alabama and South Carolina, and effectively cutoff Florida and Key West altogether.

I would like to be the first to express a whole-hearted welcome to our Soviet conquerors, and how much I always liked those big fuzzy hats. And who is really going to miss Georgia anyway? I mean they put a peach on their commemorative quarter for god’s sake! There can’t be much going on down there.

As Chancellor of LOBOnia -a tiny territory consisting of a mobile 10' circle around myself- I assure you the diplomatic relationship with the capitalist pig-dogs is cordial but very loosely maintained. And Predator Press -in keeping with our long-standing tradition of being one of the most progressive independent publications on the internet- is all about embracing change whenever completely necessary.

In honor of our glorious and valiant new comrades, tomorrow at noon Predator Press will be conducting the first “LIVE LOBO” completely in Russian.

The topic shall be, “So How Cool is that Kremlin?”

Fast Lane

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Son," says the officer. "I've got you clocked at 240 miles per hour in a 35. Would you care to explain to me why you are driving over 200 miles per hour?"

"This is a medical emergency," I says. "And we need a police escort."

"Really?" He glances over to the passenger side and sees Phil's cat cage, chained and padlocked to the passenger seat.

"Yes," I says. "He's due for kidney testing today because he was eating IAMS a few months ago. We either go to the Pianosa Veterinarian Hospital or he dies. The hospital will sue me, I will sue IAMS, IAMS will sue China, and then China will wipe out Tibet. Now sir, are you prepared to have your fine performance record with The Force blemished with an international incident?"

"How about you just explain to me how you were going 240 miles per hour in a 1990 Plymouth Horizon?"

"It's actually a 2008 Porsche Panamera with custom-fitted removable vintage Plymouth Horizon panels."

"No shit?" says the cop.

"These weather-beaten fenders alone cost me $6,400. Those finely crafted dents in the door and on the hood were meticulously hammered in by hard-working industrious Brazilians. The interior is Corinthian leather, and oiled by genuine imported crushed bald eagles. The rusty discoloration is manufactured in Venice for $1,800 --the dust is about $8 an ounce. The left headlight has all the Blaupunkt stereo components, and the left has a death ray that On Star won't activate until I get a credit card."

I lovingly pat the primer hood, and the rearview mirror falls off.

"Breakaway mirrors increase aerodynamic efficiency," I explain.

"Did you know you're dragging your muffler?"

"That's a safety feature."

"Slows the car down?"

"No, the grinding squeal alerts other drivers to my presence, and the sparks increase my visibility."

"This all seems like a long way to go to keep your car from getting stolen."

"Well, I've always preferred to leave it unlocked and with the keys in it and my wallet sitting on the dashboard next to the loaded pistol," I reflect.

"Loaded pistol?"

"Knocking out those red lights in town has increased my fuel efficiency 8%."

"And it's never been stolen?"

"Oh, sure it has. All the time, in fact. But they always come back once they encounter the anti-theft technology: the Corinthian leather is flaked with hi-tech razor-sharp edges, and the battery doesn't last two hours."

"May I see your license and registration please?"

"I'm sorry officer. I would love to comply, but Phil and I are granted diplomatic immunity by the LOBOnian Consulate." I says.

"The what?"

"The LOBOnian Consulate," I elaborate. "An elite group of dignitaries that manage all affairs of the entire vast country of LOBOnia."

"Who are they?" asks the cop.

"Me an Phil."