Predator Press

Wednesday

Draw the Line

-The Six Dollar Man

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Watching TV Land from this bear trap has gone on long enough.

-Time to escape by chewing my own paw off.

(Unless they rerun Dallas.)

Friday

Internet Swag

Predator Press

Every inch of this is comedy gold
-but I don't think it was supposed to be funny.

Wednesday

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I have no idea where Barbarossa got the idea that I am his parole officer, but I cannot in good conscience inhibit his reformation and social reintegration.

Not knowing what exactly a parole officer does, I had a big prize wheel installed behind my chair: among other mundane things like 'Get Another Job' and 'Help Hide the Bodies,' every fourth notch says in bold, gigantical letters, “GO BACK TO JAIL!” To keep his attention I might sort of idly move the wheel back an forth, plucking the little arrow a few knocks. Sometimes I'll even absently drift toward my soap-on-a-rope poster during the PowerPoint presentations -or after a good lengthy and comprehensive lecture on where pastrami sandwich theft'll get you, I'll show Midnight Express in 3-D followed by a pop quiz on why his picture is on the Turkish website I've been working on.

Moreover, there’s a big red button in the middle of my desk positioned directly between us. It’s not hooked up to anything, and we never talk about it ...but on the rare occasion I feel I'm 'losing him' -and the prize wheel doesn't work- I’ll sort of let my hands linger around this button. You know, like folding my hands near it? Or sometimes just lunging toward it while stretching during an improbably-abrupt, deep yawn? For another good "wake up call," I'll put a 5-pack of Bic lighters in the nearby dryer ... and every time one detonates I'll run in circles, screaming.

To say he is one ugly motherfucker is to be kind -I mean this guy fell off the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down. Then he fell down into the Ugly Well, and continued on to bash against the Ugly Rocks and drown in the Ugly Water ... meh, you get the picture. But this isn't Barbarossa's main problem. What's really screwed up about this poor bastard is that he's not just tarded, but he is legally "retarded." This means Barbarossa will require more than one -and possibly numerous- untardings. So as his "parole officer," I've officially "Partitioned the Court" or something, and he will guard a pastrami sandwich in my refigerator for free until further notice. As treatment. Remember: "Idle hands are the Devil's pork chop," and we have to distract the Devil from my pastrami sandwich at all costs.

While numerous scientists agree that nothing untards an ex con like being a copy editor for Predator Press, many scientists also do not agree ... and as a scientist myself, I am disinclined to set those nerds straight good 'n proper this time: who wants Barbarossa -in the current frail state he is in- exposed to the trauma of seeing numerous scientists I have proven wrong immolating themselves on bunsen burners and impaling themselves on broken test tubes? Hm? In a rare moment of human compassion I have agreed to help Barbarossa along on his precarious road to Redemption and thusly steer him away from evil when possible: having solemnly taken charge of this clearly promising, impressionable lad's future, I cannot let that happen for his or her own sake.

But speaking of "charge," I have decided to make Barbarossa work a little in effort to knock out some of the Tard Therapy bill I'm going to send him eventually. Along with guarding the pastrami sandwich, Barbarossa will create a meticulous alpha-numeric Excel-freindly catalogue of all Predator Press' refrigerator contents -with particular emphasis on the expiration dates. And Predator Press perks won't stop at Barbarossa's expense either: because some of the Predator Press staff has a taste for the more expensive and "exotic" (such as bathing several times a week, et cetera), Barbarossa will spearhead the formulation of a committee exclusively responsible for melding all my little soap bar leftovers together to make one a size of practical re-use.

Friday

Leperball

Yes, it’s almost Fantasy Football time again. Want to sign up for my amateur league? Send an email to “carpenoctum at hotmail dot com." But act quickly -it is first come, first served, and almost half the spots are already taken.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, "LOBO, with basketball season over and football not yet in full swing, how does a legendary athlete such as yourself spend your leisure time?”

Well I’m glad you asked me that.

See I’ve always believed that people as gifted and successful as myself should spend a lot of time giving back to the community: encouraging the "less fortunate" to try and become a chiseled physical phenomena such as myself is exactly the false hope today’s kids need to keep them from dealing drugs, stealing my car, or other things 'the community' generally frowns upon.

With Shark Boxing still tied up in pre-production due to a quagmire of insurance hassles, I generally spend my weekends coaching a Pop Warner pee-wee football team called the Starfishes -a spirited and rugged little squad of ‘can do’ types, all afflicted with advanced stages of leprosy.

This is my third year -the first of which I am Federally mandated to because of the “Anti-Discrimination Act”: little Timmy's dad used it to sue me when I puked at the post-game pizza party and tried to resign.

Little Timmy is now quarterback.

His little dad must be so proud ...

-Check out my 2010 Fantasy Football Pre-Drafting Tips!

Monday

$12b Murdoch Purchase Jeopardized by Scandal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Rupert Murdoch’s efforts to purchase British Sky Broadcasting [BSB] for $11.9 billion US dollars is facing serious opposition, particularly after the 158 year old tabloid News of the World was shut down amid recent -clearly baseless- hacking allegations.

Longtime Predator Press readers may remember Predator Press has a history of offering to sell itself to this devilishly good-looking keen-eyed mogul, and often for considerably less than the current BSB asking price. Murdoch, however, has never returned Predator Press calls, and many economists describe revenues the sprightly and lovable magnate missed out on as "incalculable."

"We've certainly had a hard time getting [Murdoch] to the negotiating table," says a high-ranking Predator Press source on condition of anonymity. "But this time we promised to take him bowling."

Saturday

Predator Press Untouched by Murdoch Hacking Scandal

-July, 2011 World Update

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Happy birthday to the Republic of South Sudan - A brand new country for America to have wars with.

al Qaeda, al Qaida, and al Qa’ida - Terrorist organization formalizes spelling to ‘al XQVVXQZ’ to maximize Scrabble scoring.

Betty Ford Dies - Toyota botches time-travel attempt to assassinate Henry Ford due to data entry typo.

Transvaginal Mesh - Not an exotic interwoven latex product for trapping packs of foreign women in singles bar parking lots as previously reported. I repeat ...