Internet Swag

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I Thin I Boke my Node

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So I was thinking about the Facebook [FB] rollercoaster stock ride.

See, FB doesn’t yet have a platform designed for profit. But what interests me in stock in companies such as FB, Twitter, Apple and Google is much more long range: all these companies are vanguard explorers of the violent and barbaric technological fringe –something that I have been arguing since 1984 that would literally be the next step in Human Evolution.

Humankind, now able to communicate globally and instantaneously, has achieved virtual telepathy.

And whether you agree with me or not, at least admit these technologies aren’t going away anytime soon.

Further, these companies –assuming proper management- have patents. Thus, if my “theory” holds true, the advanced R&D in these companies can license these properties for commensurate fees. In short, you’re not just buying a website. You are buying technologies.

With a memo pad in one hand and a pencil in the other, I went to where any sane person does to mull important decisions, the bathroom, and decided to weigh the prospect. Hands full, however, I kicked the half-closed bathroom door open wide … completely forgetting my sneakers, virtually hugging bottom at the other side.

The door snapped back, and I saw stars.

-POW!!!

It didn’t bleed much at the time. Stopped in an hour or so. But in retrospect, I think everything swelled up and blocked it. Skip ahead to my morning shower nine hours later: no black eyes, but In the humidity the swelling presumably contracted. The urge to involuntarily blow my nose produced lightning-like blinding pain as I violently ripped the clotting and splashed twin black octopi -scabs and dried blood from both nostrils- audibly on the tub floor.

And then the real bleeding began.

Meet FrankensteinBot/pwn.exe.vi.2

FrankensteinBot/pwn.exe.vi.2 is actually
"Classified."  But you get the idea.

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With all due respect to the mighty and noble Mayan, this is the lousiest Apocalypse I’ve ever seen.

-What if there is going to be a 2013?

You mean I'll still be on this shithole dump planet spinning into an endless, shithole dump infinite void? With this credit rating? And YOU assholes?

I knew it. I should never have given that cult all my money and worldly possessions. They were all like "Yeah, were gettin on the Mother Ship today!" And I was like "Cool!"

But they ditched me at Shoe Carnival.

They went to the Mother Ship without me.

Bastards.

Borne Leader

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"I regret to inform you," sighs Barbarossa, "That you have been nominated as Union Steward."

My attention snaps from the computer screen. "What?"

"The People like your plan to bring back sexual harassment. Restoring the two martini lunch would be cool too." He scratches his chin. "Even piss testing us is a violation of the HIPPA law."

My eyebrows furrow. "I can't be a corporate lickspittle and a Union Steward. And have you looked around? SFIC is a soiree of Asperger's Disease and, well, ugly. You want drugs too? This place would be a seething cesspool of literally toxic DNA."

"We want the American workplace to be restored back to the glory days of 1960."

"Barbarossa, what year were you born?"

"1961," he replies.

"I rest my case."

Sexual Harassment at the Workplace

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“Thank you all for coming,” booms the suited guy at the podium in surround sound. “To the Annual Seminar on Sexual Harassment at the Workplace.”

I stand. “It’s about damn time!”

-And it was as if I had somehow removed all oxygen from the auditorium a half-second too early: the thirty-seven rows of people ahead all stared backwards at me, jaws agape. A woman six rows behind me audibly gasped and fainted.

The suited guy at the podium points at me sympathetically. “Have you been a victim of sexual harassment sir?” he booms in surround sound.

“Not yet,” I yell back. “And I'm getting depressed.”

Happy Mother's Day! :)

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Happy Mothers Day Princess Amadala

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