Predator Press
[LOBO]
It occurs to me how hard I worked to pass my college biology classes, and how promptly I forgot all that largely useless data.
Chicago has a pretty limited ecology. Unless you want to be a doctor or a vet, Chicago biology classes should consist of dogs, cats, and rats. Some bugs. And maybe extra credit for fish.
The same goes for algebra. I ultimately would grow to like algebra, and was pretty good at it. But far as a practical? Again, not a single post-college application to date.
Zero.
Why don't colleges offer classes on fishing and hunting? That seems infinitely more important than solving for "x."
Monday
Sunday
The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs
-as retold by Predator Press
[LOBO]
Once upon a time, a man and his wife got a fantastical golden goose, and it laid a golden egg every day.
“This is terrible,” said the man. “We can’t eat gold!”
“Kill it,” said the woman. “It might breed with the other animals. The entire village could starve to death!”
“We will be remembered forever as heroes!” cried the man.

[LOBO]
Once upon a time, a man and his wife got a fantastical golden goose, and it laid a golden egg every day.
“This is terrible,” said the man. “We can’t eat gold!”
“Kill it,” said the woman. “It might breed with the other animals. The entire village could starve to death!”
“We will be remembered forever as heroes!” cried the man.
Valkyrie Rose
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Part I
s per design specs, the Mag Lev Network efficiently delivered Beverly to Winston’s apartment -200 miles away- within 20 minutes. Still, despite her rush, she found herself pausing at the door. What she is proposing is both crazy and frightening, and she steadied herself as a shiver ran through her like an electric current.
In this moment of forced and focused suppression of fear, she realizes her head is aching too. Suspecting her hastily-applied ponytail, she pulls the elastic ring out as she finally knocks. This unintentionally delights Winston who, already attracted to the good Doctor, has never seen her somewhat bookish and professional demeanor.
“Beverly,” Winston smiles blearily, still adjusting his robe.
“I’m sorry Winston,” Beverly smiles somberly. “I should have called first. But I spent the ride here convincing Rick to come.”
“Here? Now?” Winston winces at his own incredulousness.
“Yes. Can I come in?”
“By all means,” he steps aside invitingly and closes the door behind her.
If Beverly is impressed by Winston’s rather posh apartment, she doesn’t let on as she strides to his kitchen. “Do you have coffee?”
Still at the door, Winston scratches though his sleep-addled hair . “Sure. Is something wrong?”
“Did you watch the translated vid?”
“Some of it,” Winston shrugs, following her. “It’s a hoax,” he adds conclusively as he procures coffee grounds from a cabinet.
“It’s too elaborate to be a hoax. Nothing on this scale could be created in secret. Even the language is some long-dead derivative of Latin. Are you hungry? I want to order food.”
“It’s 11pm,” Winston protested mildly, filling the coffee maker with water. “And we have a meeting tomorrow morning.”
“To report our findings,” Beverly agrees. “We are having a meeting before that one. These findings are,” she chooses her words carefully. Only now does it occur to her that Winston’s apartment may have surreptitiously. But for that matter, her apartment could be too. “Significant,” she proceeds dubiously. “Particularly given who we are reporting them to. Mag Lev will want to drill regardless of our opinions, and with billions of dollars at stake it would surprise me for this to just disappear. We need to discuss our findings first. And what to tell them, if anything at all. Rick is already on his way.”
“So you watched the whole thing?”
“Numerous times. And read and re-read the transcripts and all the analysis I could.”
Winston chuckles. “And you thing is some kind of distress call from some ancient civilization.”
“No,” replies Beverly. “I think it’s a warning.”
***
“How are we doing?”
“Well, it ain’t good,” I says, peeling back my mask. “I’m a hundred miles behind. I went down as far as I could -maybe a mile. But visibility is pretty bad.” Tucking my head into my lapel, I finger sand from the filter. “I got a goddamn flat tire too.”
There’s a pause, and empty static crackled loudly.
“Can you get back on track?”
“I don’t think so,” I says, staring out unseeing over the clouded chasm. “Negative. I’m sure I can get the bike fixed; my grandpa had a farm out here a few miles back. But I can’t see a damn thing unless this storm clears up. It looks like the end of the Earth.”
Would grandfather’s farm even still be there? I thought. This was nothing but boring farm flatland ten years ago.
“I’m going to have to check in with you guys in the morning,” I says. “I have no idea what has happened here. The landscape seems totally different.” I bit my lip, thinking. “Unfortunately, I can guarantee we won’t be finding any food here.” Hesitant and frank, I commit, “I would guess this is the end of the road really.”
“Round trip?”
“It’s your call. I’m familiar with this area, so maybe I can dig something up. And if the storm clears, there might even be a way to continue on.” I look back over my shoulder to see the gulch beyond the edge of the highway, but only see the whipping grey of sand and ash. “I don’t know how optimistic to be about the highway, but as far as being broken down, I couldn’t have picked a better spot. I grew up here. Blinding storm or not, I know the area.”
“I think it’s a good idea for you to get some rest.”
I laughed, “Funny. I was thinking food. I’ll bet a million bucks I’ll find a few cans of chili or something.”
“Let’s say you check in daily.”
“Grid permitting.”
“Of course.”
“We need to make this conversation short then, for my battery. I’ll bring back all the fuel I can carry too.”
“Refined?”
“Let’s not get picky yet. Lemme see what happens.” There's a thick, dried brush under the sand, and sometimes it cracks under my steps causing me to sink several inches. "This was a farming community. Unless is was looted thoroughly, I should find a trove of useful stuff. Frankly I don't know how you could have looted this place of everything considering how hostile it seems."
“I’m officially listing you as ‘Grounded by Severe Storm” until further notice.” A brief pause. “How long until we have you back on duty?”
“What makes you think I’m coming off duty?” I says. Re-applying the filtered mask, I switch off the doubtlessly-recorded conversation. The approval I wanted was, well, all I wanted. They won't be hearing me for a while. Did we do this? I don't know. Do I care?
Jesus fucking Christ. This place is a hellhole now.
I remember the Shell station sign, and that used to be at the highway exit.
No I don't really care.
-So that means that before the huge crack in the earth runs roughly perpendicular. I close my eyes for a moment to try and remember the place with roads. Eyes open, it occurs to me that I’m not on any of the ‘roads’ at all … I’m in a water retention pond, now full of sand.. Strangely fortunate, this leads me directly into the edge of the city.
I decide to prop up the bike and leave it. With visibility as it is, I'm as likely to hit an abandoned car or a concrete pole or something. Further complicating things is that my area knowledge is very old: you would be surprised how many new buildings and apartment complexes and roads creep in over the years.
Plus, my father's farm was well outside the city -maybe eighteen miles southwest of the -the "Rift"- as the crow flies. Farm land, surrounded by wire fencing to mark borders and keep large animals in. In short, biking any further off the highway would be a good way to get decapitated.
Still, I would live to regret my cavalier attitude.
This storm, to my knowledge, would never end.
And I would never hear another living human voice again.
[LOBO]
Part I
s per design specs, the Mag Lev Network efficiently delivered Beverly to Winston’s apartment -200 miles away- within 20 minutes. Still, despite her rush, she found herself pausing at the door. What she is proposing is both crazy and frightening, and she steadied herself as a shiver ran through her like an electric current.
In this moment of forced and focused suppression of fear, she realizes her head is aching too. Suspecting her hastily-applied ponytail, she pulls the elastic ring out as she finally knocks. This unintentionally delights Winston who, already attracted to the good Doctor, has never seen her somewhat bookish and professional demeanor.
“Beverly,” Winston smiles blearily, still adjusting his robe.
“I’m sorry Winston,” Beverly smiles somberly. “I should have called first. But I spent the ride here convincing Rick to come.”
“Here? Now?” Winston winces at his own incredulousness.
“Yes. Can I come in?”
“By all means,” he steps aside invitingly and closes the door behind her.
If Beverly is impressed by Winston’s rather posh apartment, she doesn’t let on as she strides to his kitchen. “Do you have coffee?”
Still at the door, Winston scratches though his sleep-addled hair . “Sure. Is something wrong?”
“Did you watch the translated vid?”
“Some of it,” Winston shrugs, following her. “It’s a hoax,” he adds conclusively as he procures coffee grounds from a cabinet.
“It’s too elaborate to be a hoax. Nothing on this scale could be created in secret. Even the language is some long-dead derivative of Latin. Are you hungry? I want to order food.”
“It’s 11pm,” Winston protested mildly, filling the coffee maker with water. “And we have a meeting tomorrow morning.”
“To report our findings,” Beverly agrees. “We are having a meeting before that one. These findings are,” she chooses her words carefully. Only now does it occur to her that Winston’s apartment may have surreptitiously. But for that matter, her apartment could be too. “Significant,” she proceeds dubiously. “Particularly given who we are reporting them to. Mag Lev will want to drill regardless of our opinions, and with billions of dollars at stake it would surprise me for this to just disappear. We need to discuss our findings first. And what to tell them, if anything at all. Rick is already on his way.”
“So you watched the whole thing?”
“Numerous times. And read and re-read the transcripts and all the analysis I could.”
Winston chuckles. “And you thing is some kind of distress call from some ancient civilization.”
“No,” replies Beverly. “I think it’s a warning.”
“How are we doing?”
“Well, it ain’t good,” I says, peeling back my mask. “I’m a hundred miles behind. I went down as far as I could -maybe a mile. But visibility is pretty bad.” Tucking my head into my lapel, I finger sand from the filter. “I got a goddamn flat tire too.”
There’s a pause, and empty static crackled loudly.
“Can you get back on track?”
“I don’t think so,” I says, staring out unseeing over the clouded chasm. “Negative. I’m sure I can get the bike fixed; my grandpa had a farm out here a few miles back. But I can’t see a damn thing unless this storm clears up. It looks like the end of the Earth.”
Would grandfather’s farm even still be there? I thought. This was nothing but boring farm flatland ten years ago.
“I’m going to have to check in with you guys in the morning,” I says. “I have no idea what has happened here. The landscape seems totally different.” I bit my lip, thinking. “Unfortunately, I can guarantee we won’t be finding any food here.” Hesitant and frank, I commit, “I would guess this is the end of the road really.”
“Round trip?”
“It’s your call. I’m familiar with this area, so maybe I can dig something up. And if the storm clears, there might even be a way to continue on.” I look back over my shoulder to see the gulch beyond the edge of the highway, but only see the whipping grey of sand and ash. “I don’t know how optimistic to be about the highway, but as far as being broken down, I couldn’t have picked a better spot. I grew up here. Blinding storm or not, I know the area.”
“I think it’s a good idea for you to get some rest.”
I laughed, “Funny. I was thinking food. I’ll bet a million bucks I’ll find a few cans of chili or something.”
“Let’s say you check in daily.”
“Grid permitting.”
“Of course.”
“We need to make this conversation short then, for my battery. I’ll bring back all the fuel I can carry too.”
“Refined?”
“Let’s not get picky yet. Lemme see what happens.” There's a thick, dried brush under the sand, and sometimes it cracks under my steps causing me to sink several inches. "This was a farming community. Unless is was looted thoroughly, I should find a trove of useful stuff. Frankly I don't know how you could have looted this place of everything considering how hostile it seems."
“I’m officially listing you as ‘Grounded by Severe Storm” until further notice.” A brief pause. “How long until we have you back on duty?”
“What makes you think I’m coming off duty?” I says. Re-applying the filtered mask, I switch off the doubtlessly-recorded conversation. The approval I wanted was, well, all I wanted. They won't be hearing me for a while. Did we do this? I don't know. Do I care?
Jesus fucking Christ. This place is a hellhole now.
I remember the Shell station sign, and that used to be at the highway exit.
No I don't really care.
-So that means that before the huge crack in the earth runs roughly perpendicular. I close my eyes for a moment to try and remember the place with roads. Eyes open, it occurs to me that I’m not on any of the ‘roads’ at all … I’m in a water retention pond, now full of sand.. Strangely fortunate, this leads me directly into the edge of the city.
I decide to prop up the bike and leave it. With visibility as it is, I'm as likely to hit an abandoned car or a concrete pole or something. Further complicating things is that my area knowledge is very old: you would be surprised how many new buildings and apartment complexes and roads creep in over the years.
Plus, my father's farm was well outside the city -maybe eighteen miles southwest of the -the "Rift"- as the crow flies. Farm land, surrounded by wire fencing to mark borders and keep large animals in. In short, biking any further off the highway would be a good way to get decapitated.
Still, I would live to regret my cavalier attitude.
This storm, to my knowledge, would never end.
And I would never hear another living human voice again.
Thursday
Prey-dar
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"I'm not going to be able to make it in today," wheezes Barbarossa over the radio. "I'm actually in the hospital."
Knowing Barbarossa's susceptibility to allergies, his first sick day doesn't really come as a surprise ... particularly in the pollen surfeit of this early Illinois Spring. But I have a corporate meeting scheduled this morning where toothy, well-dressed execs will want to decide what he should be fired for; Barbarossa's absence today would be professional suicide.
"Dude," he rasps over the phone cradled in my palm. "I think I just saw a the nurse fart!"
Switching the labels on his nasal decongestant spray and eye drops was merely hastening the inevitable.
-And inspired.

[LOBO]
"I'm not going to be able to make it in today," wheezes Barbarossa over the radio. "I'm actually in the hospital."
Knowing Barbarossa's susceptibility to allergies, his first sick day doesn't really come as a surprise ... particularly in the pollen surfeit of this early Illinois Spring. But I have a corporate meeting scheduled this morning where toothy, well-dressed execs will want to decide what he should be fired for; Barbarossa's absence today would be professional suicide.
"Dude," he rasps over the phone cradled in my palm. "I think I just saw a the nurse fart!"
Switching the labels on his nasal decongestant spray and eye drops was merely hastening the inevitable.
-And inspired.
Sunday
Reversing the Mayan Prophecy One Day at a Time
![]() |
This is me in the picture. Probably. |
[LOBO]
For an additional $6.85 a week (after taxes), I am now officially in charge of Barbarossa -the closest approximation to a friend I have- and his girlfriend Agatha, who I strongly suspect is a transsexual.
The toothy boss-guy gripping my paw painfully gushes, "I think we've overlooked your rare qualifications long enough."
"I agree whoreheartedly" I reply, shaking back in a sincere and enthusiastic manner. "How soon can I fire people?"
![]() |
Pthbbbt ... Stupid Mayans. |
Wednesday
LOBO's Discourse on "The Nature of Reality." Yes, there's a Quiz.
Predator Press
[LOBO]
As the economy slowly recovers, overqualified people compete for grunt work.
(-I imagine you’ll hear a lot more stories like this in the near future.)
But one of my squad is getting a promotion.
And it might be me.
***
It took a lot of effort and misdirection to get to the Battery Room earliest this morning, but I had completely forgotten I reset the entire battery bay the night before. Personally. While I was expecting only one charged unit left, there was a full array of “juice” for all the walkie-talkies.
Still, the morning meeting wasn’t for another twelve minutes. I let the door close behind me and basked in the restorative quiet, slipping into the deskless swivel chair for a contemplative moment.
Absently doing the well-practiced battery swap, I ponder having forgotten I set them up yesterday. Indeed I now remember explicitly doing it. But I could have walked in on a single battery today, and never given it another thought. The good ole sterile, irrefutable, mathematical Universe confounded its favorite Existentialist again with a potent dose of non-subjective Reality -alas only demonstrating my full embrace of the lens from which I choose to view it.
The “promotion” is nigh inconsequential, and hardly warranting attention. Paywise, it is about a quarter an hour -$10 a week. Before taxes.
And I am apparently competing with the rest of my “squad,” Barbarossa and Agatha –both of whom burst suddenly into the room, startling me slightly, and apparently discussing the same subject.
“It’s not worth it,” explains Agatha. She greets me with a dismissive wave, engrossed in conversation with Barbarossa. “It just makes people complain to you more. And that’s all people do around here is complain.”
The fact that Agatha is ironically complaining hasn’t escaped me, but I got lost in thought about Agatha's hands.
I don’t think "Agatha" is a woman.
See you can tell a lot about people by their hands. Their real age. Their occupation.
Their sex.
It beats that “Adam’s apple” crap all to hell. You can have the Adam’s apple surgically altered. But to my knowledge there’s no plastic surgery for hands -and could you imagine the expense? Thus, I suspect this large-handed, sometimes flat chested, six foot two, athletically-built, redhead-sporting-rare-patches-of-unfreckled-flesh “woman” -who personally chose the name “Agatha” BTW, and visibly smolders about all the above- is competition for this dubious honor with me.
In any case, she will kick ass on our softball team. Barbarossa, on the other hand, is of little concern. His eyes are black and swollen from sleepless exhaustion. And his hands shake from nervous anxiety. Addled. He really, really looks like he could use some pot to relax. But remember he thinks I am his probation officer for some reason, and I promptly dispose of unprocessed piss tests of his on a weekly basis like clockwork.
-I can't let him cloud his judgment now, potentially on the cusp of a potentially huge career move for him, can I?
As a Professional, I would prefer Barbarossa seek out the Universe's source of his issues -like the fact that someone using a surreptitiously-made car key has been sneaking out of the morning meeting and parking his car someplace different, adjusting his seats, reprogramming his radio stations and, yes, occasionally slightly deflating a random tire here and there.
I only know this because I have been paying Agatha twenty bucks a week to do it for over a month now.
And with Barbarossa out of the running, I’ll just point out the parking lot security tape of Agatha doing it.
But then I noticed something else disturbing about Agatha's hands.
-Barbarossa was holding one of them.
I think I screamed.

[LOBO]
As the economy slowly recovers, overqualified people compete for grunt work.
(-I imagine you’ll hear a lot more stories like this in the near future.)
But one of my squad is getting a promotion.
And it might be me.
Still, the morning meeting wasn’t for another twelve minutes. I let the door close behind me and basked in the restorative quiet, slipping into the deskless swivel chair for a contemplative moment.
![]() |
"Honey. we can't see each other anymore. -It's not you, it's me." |
The “promotion” is nigh inconsequential, and hardly warranting attention. Paywise, it is about a quarter an hour -$10 a week. Before taxes.
And I am apparently competing with the rest of my “squad,” Barbarossa and Agatha –both of whom burst suddenly into the room, startling me slightly, and apparently discussing the same subject.
“It’s not worth it,” explains Agatha. She greets me with a dismissive wave, engrossed in conversation with Barbarossa. “It just makes people complain to you more. And that’s all people do around here is complain.”
The fact that Agatha is ironically complaining hasn’t escaped me, but I got lost in thought about Agatha's hands.
I don’t think "Agatha" is a woman.
***
See you can tell a lot about people by their hands. Their real age. Their occupation.
Their sex.
It beats that “Adam’s apple” crap all to hell. You can have the Adam’s apple surgically altered. But to my knowledge there’s no plastic surgery for hands -and could you imagine the expense? Thus, I suspect this large-handed, sometimes flat chested, six foot two, athletically-built, redhead-sporting-rare-patches-of-unfreckled-flesh “woman” -who personally chose the name “Agatha” BTW, and visibly smolders about all the above- is competition for this dubious honor with me.
In any case, she will kick ass on our softball team. Barbarossa, on the other hand, is of little concern. His eyes are black and swollen from sleepless exhaustion. And his hands shake from nervous anxiety. Addled. He really, really looks like he could use some pot to relax. But remember he thinks I am his probation officer for some reason, and I promptly dispose of unprocessed piss tests of his on a weekly basis like clockwork.
-I can't let him cloud his judgment now, potentially on the cusp of a potentially huge career move for him, can I?
As a Professional, I would prefer Barbarossa seek out the Universe's source of his issues -like the fact that someone using a surreptitiously-made car key has been sneaking out of the morning meeting and parking his car someplace different, adjusting his seats, reprogramming his radio stations and, yes, occasionally slightly deflating a random tire here and there.

And with Barbarossa out of the running, I’ll just point out the parking lot security tape of Agatha doing it.
But then I noticed something else disturbing about Agatha's hands.
-Barbarossa was holding one of them.
I think I screamed.
Saturday
By Chainsaw or Blowtorch
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Regardless of misadventure, I make the same intersection
every morning between 6:23 and 6:26 in the morning.
This morning, however, I’m on track: 6:23, and I even had time to make a second cup of coffee. And despite my misgivings that it was too dark, the coffee is delightful.
[LOBO]

This morning, however, I’m on track: 6:23, and I even had time to make a second cup of coffee. And despite my misgivings that it was too dark, the coffee is delightful.
Respecting an hourly wage -half of what you made a scant
three years ago- requires some occasional "zen."
But it seems the more painted white rectangles that pass rhythmically
under my car, the more gray hairs I get.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
LOBO - Predator Press "I can't believe the woman giving the MRI was flirting with you right in front of me ," Wendy growled....
-
Predator Press [LOBO] Yes it's totally true. There is now, in fact, a $14.95 Bionic Ear . And I'm not even going to g...