Predator Press
One may think that finding the Devil would be fraught with challenges. But I found him where everyone else does: on TruTV -right smack in the middle of an episode of ‘Operation Repo.’
LOBO: You’re not foolin anybody Beelzebub. No television show this bad stays on the air without your direct influence.
Satan: Okay. You got me. I’ve been pretty bored since Tim Allen retired.
LOBO: I must say -in regard to the music industry- I’m a huge fan of your work.
Satan: Thank you.
LOBO: Do you really make deals with people for their souls? I mean, like, you could get my band famous?
Satan: You mean '
Vaginal Slide?'
LOBO: Hypothetically of course.
Satan: LOBO I would love to help -but there are just some things that even evil can’t do.
LOBO: Really?
Satan: The
triangle player is in an asylum. The entire didgeridoo ensemble hasn’t been heard from since they crossed the Mexican border in 2006. Oh, and the tuba player is dead.
LOBO: You pick
now to have a problem with zombies? That tuba player was a prima donna anyway. And yeah, those didgeridoo guys hadd some pretty good chemistry, but that triangle player was a talentless hack. Who plays triangle for Van Halen? Maybe we could audition him.
Satan: LOBO even
I am not so evil as to make you a superstar. How about a Wii instead?
LOBO: How many controllers are we talking about? Hypothetically.
Satan: One.
LOBO: One? Really? I think I should get four controllers.
Satan: See, I don’t know. Four? With the economy like it is? And let’s face it: yours isn’t the soul of, say, a Mother Theresa. Heck …. Mother Theresa had WAY more potential of getting that rock star deal than you do.
LOBO: Well I don’t know what people have against evil frankly. I mean what has evil ever done to them?
Satan: LOBO, I’ll give you two controllers, but the second is only because I like you.
LOBO: Do you have a pen?
Satan: You have to sign these contracts in blood.
LOBO: That seems rather barbaric -and unsanitary. How do we do it without getting your squirty blood everywhere? And when is the last time you were tested for HIV-?
Satan: No. I mean
your blood.
LOBO: My blood? Hah! Fuck all that. I'm not into that whole 'pain' and 'suffering' thing.
Satan: It only hurts for a second. LOBO, I’m the devil. I wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t
need to lie to you -I could incinerate you into rumor at the simple whim.
LOBO: Well lah-de-dah. Maybe I don’t want to work for you at
all then. I would require an Incineration-Free clause, weekends off, numerous paid vacations, and a hip-looking posse that refers to me as ’Dog.’ And four Wii controllers.
Satan: Two.
LOBO: How about if I throw in occasional weekend work?
Satan: LOBO, Wii controllers cost $20 apiece even at Walmart. Two controllers. Period.
LOBO: Well how about if you sweeten the pot on my end? Let’s say maybe I never have acne again. Or I can fly.
Satan: I can’t make you fly because that would be too obvious. And the reason you have acne because God is punishing you for all that masturbation.
LOBO: Let’s talk about this some other time then. ‘Operation Repo’ is almost over.
Satan: Really? Tanya Harding is coming on! Hubba-hubba.
