My Dead Neighbors

Predator Press

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What? No. I’m not dead.

But thanks for asking.

My neighbors unfortunately aren’t dead either. But you cannot fault me for the fact that Humanity has ground to a standstill by people that use a high-gloss hubcap as a candy dish.

I watch a lot of Forensic Files, and it turns out a) people that don’t live here think murder is bad, and 2) murder has become really difficult because of people that don't live here.

But “let not your hearts be troubled”: when my neighbors finally are dead, I’ll be the first to solve the murders, and Predator Press will have every nuance of the tedious, excruciatingly detailed exclusive story documented.

And while we're on this subject, Predator Press is currently hiring: we need a full-time Predator Press Blog Ink Inspector, which involves a lot of heavy lifting, and impromptu nighttime sub-duties.

Desire to be featured in an future exclusives is a plus.

-No criminal background check or drug test is required.

Outshined (Feelin Minnesota)

-Or, “The Grass is Always Greener Where the Dogs are Shitting”

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Everything Must Go

Predator Press

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"There is no ‘Les’ in Les Miserables,” says Terri. “It's not a person. It means ‘The Miserable Ones.’”

“Ah crap," I says. “You mean to tell me I’m 100 pages into a book written by a guy that can’t even spell?"

Terri sighs. “Apparently.”

“Well I’m going to re-write it,” I boast.

“Really.”

Yes. Check this out. “Doctor Les Miserables was a rapper -like Doctor Dre- who loved two things: his bling, and performing abortions.”

“I don’t think that’s going to work” says Terri, reading over my shoulder.

I continue typing. “Unfortunately, he wasn’t very good at abortions, and had to run an orphanage as a consequence … ”

“You’re missing the point-”

“Before you go stompin on my work, would you at least let me get to the alien invasion?

Jackson Tweens Caught With Stun Gun, DCFS Conducting Investigation

Predator Press

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According to TMZ -because one of the children had somehow acquired a stun gun- the Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an investigation of the Jackson family.

So what’s the big deal? If I was 13 and lived in the Jackson home, I would want a stun gun too. They got giraffes 'an crap!

Look. I’m a staunch NRA supporter. And when I last checked, our Nation’s children were protected by a little thing called The Constitution. I for one love my stun gun. How else is one expected to deal with unwanted visits from Jehovah’s Witnesses and Census Takers? Kids getting a firearm should be a prerequisite for graduating kindergarten, thus beginning early the long road of preparation for the firefight formerly known as college.

Sure there’ll be a handful of you sanctimonious, whiny liberals, "But LOBO, a gun can be dangerous -especially when used by children!”

Pthbbbt! Where do you people come up with these ideas? And I didn't say give 'em, like, grenades or something: one measly stun gun is great fun for the whole family!

Don‘t believe me? This morning the Butterbean kid got sent over to borrow a cup of sugar, and I‘ve been stunning him ever since. I even recharged it twice. He’s fine. In the process, I even uncovered some false advertising: the box my stun gun came in says explicitly, “Will incapacitate virtually any assailant instantly.” But this little prick keeps twitching!

And this further illustrates my point, doesn‘t it?

If this little bastard had a gun, none of this would have ever happened.

Exclusive: Brittany Murphy is Dead

Predator Press

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Millions and millions of Predator Press Voluntary Insiders (like CNN and Fox News) have, after a scant three months, uncovered incontrovertible, shocking evidence.

-Brittany Murphy is dead.

I know! WTF!?

I would imagine refunds will be issued for the rest of the “Circus” tour, which has been unwittingly performed posthumously.

-Millions and millions of the Predator Press Voluntary Zombie Patrol are on Full Alert.

Please Stop Sending Me SeaWorld Tickets

Predator Press

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Look, it’s very generous. But I’m very, very busy being unemployed -a trip to Orlando is just out of the question at this time.

Plus it seems a little mean-spirited, as it is widely known that I suffer from Cryohydrotachophobia -the morbid fear of rogue icebergs.

This prohibits me from getting near large bodies of water, and any beverage larger than 32 ounces.

Caligula

Predator Press

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s a few of you might have realized, my computer recently went kablooey … I’m woefully behind on comments, and have even re-issued a handful of posts. I’ve kajiggered a system of using my email to get that done, but it’s time consuming.

The upside is there is stuff I‘ve been working on that‘ll be pretty interesting. For instance, I have an interview with one of my favorite blogger-slash-authors Chris Wood on the table; sure he‘s from the UK and insists on butchering our fine American language and is probably indirectly responsible for soccer ... Nonetheless he’s brilliant, hilarious and talented [Chris, stop reading here] and deeply psychotic -to the point where my finder's fee commission from Doctor Toboggans should be astronomical [Chris, okay to continue reading from here].

And I was initially thinking my book -"This Book Kicks the Crap Out of All Those Other Books"- would be a cookbook, but it turns out a chalk outkine of a lobster at the bottom of the pot ruins virtually any bisque, no matter how much garlic you add.

Instead, I rewrote it by replacing the word 'deep fry' with 'death ray' and 'lobster' with 'alien,' thusly creating an adventure-fiction saga: it's sort of an experiment to see if can hold interest over longer stories ... in effect, sampling myself for the possibility of writing my own book.

It'll be crap, I assure you. But it'll be my crap, so buy it! People pay lots of money for crap nowadays, so it's kinda fashionable if you think about it: there's this media whore named 'Shakespeare' who is totally unreadable -and he‘s got, like, four books published!

But this post isn’t about how all Predator Press readers agree Shakespeare is a limelight-mooching talentless hack: this post is about a very kind and unsolicited write-up I got from FamousWhy Terri found.

Take that, Shakespeare.

-Asshole.