Predator Press
[LOBO]
It's a fact: people never give
Predator Press any credit for the
huge socio-economic and medical advances we have provided Humanity.
And how about the Science and Engineering?
Hm?
When we presented the alternative to
'Doggie Stairs' with our 160 horsepowered
Doggie Centrifuge, did this fantastical technological advancement get mentioned in a
Scientific American, Popular Mechanics, or maybe even a lousy
Readers Digest?
No.
So now where is
Sports Illustrated on our groundbreaking
'Mag-Cat' Research and Development? My theory that cats -cunning natural predators equipped with lightning-fast reflexes, guile, and grace- are ideally suited for intense Air Hockey competition is gonna make us
millions.
Just kiss my ass,
Forbes.
***
First and foremost, the Air Hockey table -pointedly designed for humans- would have to undergo some minor modifications to provide for a suitable and level playing field for serious Feline Competition. So at great expense to you, our own
Predator Press Scienticians magnetically reversed an Air Hockey table surface.
Unfortunately, cats are naturally highly-
resistant to magnetism, and tiny little magnetically-repellant boots needed to be developed to respond to the magnetic fields. This realistically replicates the 120-decibel gravity-free Air Hockey environment for cats exactly as it would occur in nature.
We should have a good “regulation” set of these boots available commercially by Christmas. And while coming in at a hefty $850, you must remember that there are four ... plus we throw in our patented "This Side Up" polarity collar and a Buell helmet totally for
free. Further, we think $850 is a small price to pay for any
serious Air Hockey or cat safety enthusiast: once augmented with the $800 fire extinguisher mandated by California State, your cat will be howling past you on the
freeway.
Four of our cats can get to Madison Square Garden from here in eight minutes.
-Theoretically. They cannot read maps, and are complete suckers for every
Stuckey's they see along the way.
But truthfully I do not consider an insatiable Pecan Roll dependency a side effect of our regimented and complex training: for several months now, one of Phil's kittens (due to her inexplicable and irritable disposition I call her "Fighty") has undergone 1,074 hours of observation actually
wearing the boots, and she finally acclimated well to her vastly improved mobility -even
with the chainsaw attachments.
And let me tell you buddy, she
hates Pecan Rolls.
Fighty -already a Mag-Cat first season veteran- is ready for some healthy competition. And she's virtually
undefeated! Her 27-1 record was most unfairly despoiled by Ethan rubbing her fur backwards during the Winter Halftime Show last February; this triggered a static discharge resulting in one
hell of bang, four molten transformers, subsequent rolling blackouts, two crashed satellites, an irrepressible odor of burning hair permeating everything in the Lab, and me spilling my coffee.
Now, the fire department gets cats out of trees all the time, right? When's the last time you saw a cat skeleton in a tree? But you call those jerks and tell them about your smoldering and pissed steroid-jazzed chainsaw-wielding cat magnetically attached to the side of a
water tower and see what happens.
I swear those fire department guys are totally worthless.
Nonetheless, lil' Fighty today is an Air Hockey Champion nose-to-tail; just
show her that plastic puck or a Pecan Roll, and she yowls, spits and hisses ...
Predator Press
“You know what I would do Don? I would just forget that MC Hammer roadie thing ever occurred and not bring it up on your blog at all. In fact, don’t even post for a week or two. Take a nice long interlude maybe. In the meantime, John Nobody and I will simply accept your surrender real classy and quiet-like.”
I shrug. “I guess not. But that seems a little desperate, don’t you think? And dishonest? I mean this conversation did take place.”
