[LOBO]
Tuesday
Monday
A Gender Crossed
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Friday I overheard a co-worker describe a nearby nightclub as a “fantastic place to meet members of the opposite sex."
-clearly referring to women.
Now it seems to me if sex is something healthy done for pleasure and procreation, the opposite would be something like a gigantic carnivorous banana that roams city streets at night in search of hapless and easy mortal prey, picking it’s teeth with car doors and radiator grills between victims.
Numerous women were within earshot of it, and I was shocked that none of them rose to stab him in the neck with any of many readily-available letter openers.
Indeed, they seemed to miss the offensive comparison entirely.
And despite this single sentence setting back the Feminist movement fifty years, all the women just continued on about their business. Is their oppression so complete they don’t even notice when explicitly slurred? I don’t know about you, but as a guy if someone called me a gigantic carnivorous banana that roams city streets at night in search of hapless and easy mortal prey picking it’s teeth with car doors and radiator grills between victims, I would totally kick his ass!As a sophisticated and enlightened Twenty First Century gentleman, I feel we -as men- need to lead the charge. And we should start by no longer tolerating chicks bein’ called gigantic carnivorous bananas, et cetera, in the workplace.
Sunday
Where There's Smoke, There's ART
Predator Press
[LOBO]
One of the most intriguing sites I've found tooling around on the web is PaperKraft.net.
It claims that you can take this:
And make it into this:
Unfortunately, I can't confirm the veracity of the site because I always end up with this:
and occasionally this:
-It always seems to come apart during the flight stick assembly.
***
Woe to thee PaperKraft.net -if in fact that is your real name: you have cost me 17 hours of life, eighty pounds of construction paper, four gallons of Elmer's glue, and caused countless paper cuts resulting in $1,457 worth of hospital bills my insurance will not cover.
For this I'm directing the full and mighty vengeful force of Predator Press to inflict swift, lethal payback by beating you at your own game.
Jerks.
Tune in next week, 'O Loyal Reader. For then Predator Press will launch our own series of fantastical origami art tutorials.
We will teach you to take this:
And make stuff like this:
[LOBO]
One of the most intriguing sites I've found tooling around on the web is PaperKraft.net.
It claims that you can take this:
And make it into this:
Unfortunately, I can't confirm the veracity of the site because I always end up with this:
and occasionally this:
-It always seems to come apart during the flight stick assembly.
Woe to thee PaperKraft.net -if in fact that is your real name: you have cost me 17 hours of life, eighty pounds of construction paper, four gallons of Elmer's glue, and caused countless paper cuts resulting in $1,457 worth of hospital bills my insurance will not cover.
For this I'm directing the full and mighty vengeful force of Predator Press to inflict swift, lethal payback by beating you at your own game.
Jerks.
Tune in next week, 'O Loyal Reader. For then Predator Press will launch our own series of fantastical origami art tutorials.
We will teach you to take this:
And make stuff like this:
Thursday
Throb
Predator Press
[LOBO]
“Are you ready to give your presentation?” asks my boss.
I have no idea how to work the PowerPoint thingy.
“My presentation,” I reply coolly.
He leans on my file cabinet. “The one I assigned you last Tuesday. On how the company is moving toward full ISO compliance.”
I also haven't the slightest clue what the ‘International Organization for Standardization' or whatever is or does.
“Sure I am,” I says.
“Care to give me some highlights?”
“Well," I says, "I figure we have to retool the whole company for it.”
“Really? Can you give me an example?”
Standing and looking around I says, “How many do you need?”
"How about just one?"
"For starters," I reply, "take for instance ... these … cubicles.”
“What about the cubicles?”
“Why hire average and large-sized people? We could fit four times as many people in here if we started hiring midgets.”
I see the temple on the left side of his head swell.
“And,” I continue, “we could stack the cubicles three-high, thusly tripling that number.”
-The right side temple pops forth, and I can clearly see the heartbeat surging through it.
“The Fire Marshall,” he replies, (thup-thup, thup-thup) “would never allow us to stack midgets in cubicles due to the lack of access to the fire escapes.”
“That’s what the tornado slides are for.”
[LOBO]“Are you ready to give your presentation?” asks my boss.
I have no idea how to work the PowerPoint thingy.
“My presentation,” I reply coolly.
He leans on my file cabinet. “The one I assigned you last Tuesday. On how the company is moving toward full ISO compliance.”
I also haven't the slightest clue what the ‘International Organization for Standardization' or whatever is or does.
“Sure I am,” I says.
“Care to give me some highlights?”
“Well," I says, "I figure we have to retool the whole company for it.”
“Really? Can you give me an example?”
Standing and looking around I says, “How many do you need?”
"How about just one?"
"For starters," I reply, "take for instance ... these … cubicles.”
“What about the cubicles?”
“Why hire average and large-sized people? We could fit four times as many people in here if we started hiring midgets.”
I see the temple on the left side of his head swell.
“And,” I continue, “we could stack the cubicles three-high, thusly tripling that number.”
-The right side temple pops forth, and I can clearly see the heartbeat surging through it.
“The Fire Marshall,” he replies, (thup-thup, thup-thup) “would never allow us to stack midgets in cubicles due to the lack of access to the fire escapes.”
“That’s what the tornado slides are for.”
Tuesday
The Legend of Testicles
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Sure we’ve all heard the fantastic adventures of Hercules. But Predator Press scienticians have unearthed archeological evidence that Hercules had an evil twin brother, Testicles.
Testicles wasn’t as quite as large as his legendary sibling Hercules –and frankly he wasn’t all that bright either. But in their youth, Testicles often ran the show.
Hercules and Testicles eventually became bitter rivals, and Hercules often beat Testicles severely.
One day finally Hercules beat Testicles so badly, Testicles shrank off into obscurity forever.
Monday
The Don
Predator Press
[LOBO]
When not teaching crippled orphans how to shoplift, posing for Muscle and Fitness magazine or developing cures for exotic and complex strains of hepatitis that don’t exist yet, I occasionally fight evil.
-I don’t really know why I fight evil. Evil has really never done anything to me personally. I guess it’s just a trendy thing to do to pass the time. Everybody at work is all, “What did you do over the weekend?” and the replies are totally boring like, “I watched football” or “I had a barbeque.”
That’s when I drop the bomb: “What did I do? I fought evil.”
End of conversation.
But since Doctor Tobaggans has gone into semi-retirement there has been considerably less evil in the world to fight.
-Or so I thought.
It turns out that Don Lewis’ brand of evil is far more eviler than any evil I’ve ever seen. When you mention Don Lewis in front of evil, evil goes, “Don Lewis? Man that guy is really freaking evil!”
You can even spell evil if you scramble his last name:
Isn't that positively frightening?
So soon I’ll be traveling out to Idaho to check up on Don.
I don’t really like leaving the country.
-But I cannot in good conscience stand by and do nothing.
Sunday
Deterrence
Predator Press
[LOBO]
“We don’t need Full Coverage,” I insist.
“Yes we do,” replies Terri, speaking more to the agent than to me.
“It costs twice as much!”
“Full Coverage,” Terri assures the agent.
“Don’t listen to her,” I says. “She orders avocado and spinach dip at restaurants. The nachos throw themselves off of the table attempting suicide.”
Terri turns to me. “Do you remember when you wrecked your last car? If you had Full Coverage, they would have cut us a check for the full value. We could have bought a new one.”
I turn to the agent. “Really?”
“Yes,” nods the agent.
“So you’re saying if I crash the car again, I’m covered.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’m parked on a ferry in the middle of Loch Ness, and a 747 falls out of the sky and smashes into it sending my car spiraling into the murky depths.”
“Covered.”
“Let’s say I’m driving down by Lake Michigan, and a 450 pound shark jumps out and-“
“You’re covered,” she says.
“-I’m not done,” I says. “A 450 fifty pound shark jumps out. Smashes my car. And smashes a nearby bulletproof Secret Service limousine full of foreign dignitaries.”
The woman goes to speak, and I hold up a finger warningly.
“-But the dignitaries,” I continue, “aren’t alone in the limo: it turns out to be full of cocaine and underage hookers. And dynamite. Yeah. But when Dan Rather shows up to cover the story, Walter Cronkite calls him a 'punk-ass-bitch' and punches Dan right in the face for trying to steal his story. Tempers flare, pandemonium ensues, and after a raging gun battle Chicago is ultimately burned to rubble, occupied only by a handful of radioactive mutant survivors.”
She examines the forms closely. “Does the dynamite go off?”
“Yes,” I confess. “During the gun battle.”
“You’re covered.”
“Baby,” I says to Terri. “I think we should go with the full coverage.”
“Good idea honey,” says Terri.
The agent puts on her glasses. “Do you want roadside coverage?”
“Have you seen these roads?”
Terri interjects. “She means the insurance for tow truck service, flat tires, …”
“They fix flat tires too?” Standing, I reach for my pocketknife.
“Easy baby,” says Terri. “We haven’t signed yet.”
Disappointed, I sit. “Well those tires aren’t getting any less bald.”
Endless signatures later, the agent was sliding a card to each of us.
“What’s this?” I says.
“It’s your Bond Card. If you get a ticket, this prevents the police from confiscating your license.”
“Yeah,” I says smiling at Terri. “Let’s go. I can’t wait to drive by some cops and flash this baby. 'Fuck you, pigs! Hahahahah! Lookie here ... !'"
[LOBO]“We don’t need Full Coverage,” I insist.
“Yes we do,” replies Terri, speaking more to the agent than to me.
“It costs twice as much!”
“Full Coverage,” Terri assures the agent.
“Don’t listen to her,” I says. “She orders avocado and spinach dip at restaurants. The nachos throw themselves off of the table attempting suicide.”
Terri turns to me. “Do you remember when you wrecked your last car? If you had Full Coverage, they would have cut us a check for the full value. We could have bought a new one.”
I turn to the agent. “Really?”
“Yes,” nods the agent.
“So you’re saying if I crash the car again, I’m covered.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’m parked on a ferry in the middle of Loch Ness, and a 747 falls out of the sky and smashes into it sending my car spiraling into the murky depths.”“Covered.”
“Let’s say I’m driving down by Lake Michigan, and a 450 pound shark jumps out and-“
“You’re covered,” she says.
“-I’m not done,” I says. “A 450 fifty pound shark jumps out. Smashes my car. And smashes a nearby bulletproof Secret Service limousine full of foreign dignitaries.”
The woman goes to speak, and I hold up a finger warningly.“-But the dignitaries,” I continue, “aren’t alone in the limo: it turns out to be full of cocaine and underage hookers. And dynamite. Yeah. But when Dan Rather shows up to cover the story, Walter Cronkite calls him a 'punk-ass-bitch' and punches Dan right in the face for trying to steal his story. Tempers flare, pandemonium ensues, and after a raging gun battle Chicago is ultimately burned to rubble, occupied only by a handful of radioactive mutant survivors.”
She examines the forms closely. “Does the dynamite go off?”
“Yes,” I confess. “During the gun battle.”“You’re covered.”
“Baby,” I says to Terri. “I think we should go with the full coverage.”
“Good idea honey,” says Terri.
The agent puts on her glasses. “Do you want roadside coverage?”
“Have you seen these roads?”
Terri interjects. “She means the insurance for tow truck service, flat tires, …”
“They fix flat tires too?” Standing, I reach for my pocketknife.“Easy baby,” says Terri. “We haven’t signed yet.”
Disappointed, I sit. “Well those tires aren’t getting any less bald.”
Endless signatures later, the agent was sliding a card to each of us.
“What’s this?” I says.“It’s your Bond Card. If you get a ticket, this prevents the police from confiscating your license.”
“Yeah,” I says smiling at Terri. “Let’s go. I can’t wait to drive by some cops and flash this baby. 'Fuck you, pigs! Hahahahah! Lookie here ... !'"
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
-
Predator Press [LOBO] Yes it's totally true. There is now, in fact, a $14.95 Bionic Ear . And I'm not even going to g... -
LOBO - Predator Press "I can't believe the woman giving the MRI was flirting with you right in front of me ," Wendy growled.... -
LOBO - Predator Press "What is wrong with my eye?" I ask. "Is it cancer?" "I think you got soap in it" W...