Restraining Disorder

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay. I’ve created my Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football team and discovered that my first match-up is going to be with none other than Renal Failure.

If Renal’s coaching is half as good as his razor-witted blog, this will take all of my football knowledge, cunning and skill.


So I head over to the draft roster. This turns out to be a disappointingly long list of guys nobody’s heard of. Peyton Manning? Tom Brady? Eeek! What if I get stuck with Cindy or Marsha?

I’m no sexist: if Cindy or Marsha Brady want to play on my team, that's fine … but I can only imagine what the mandatory methamphetamines and steroids would do to them over the long haul.

At the very least, they would have to sign a waiver.




Contact Angry Seafood to join the
Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!

The Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Once again Chris Cameron has struck a brilliant chord in the worldwide blogging concerto, rising above the dissonance with a bittersweet and blood-soaked symphony of sweet bone-crushing harmony: the Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League.

I’ve never done a fantasy football league before, but I’m totally jazzed at the concept: I might not know jack about football, but me 'an fantasy go waaaaaay back.

And man is Terri pissed.

… That lawn may never get mowed again.


Contact Angry Seafood to join the
Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!

Ask LOBO: How to Blog

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, ”LOBO, I too want to start a blog that’s a raging commercial success read by millions and millions of people everyday –just like Predator Press. How do I do it?”

Well I’m glad you asked me that.


# 1: Steal Ideas. There’s no shame in it out here. In fact, the idea for this post was originally Chris Cameron’s –the distinguished and erudite author of Angry Seafood.

I just happen to type faster.

# 2: Keep it Real. Forget whatever your English teacher told you. Nobody gives two craps about your spelling, punctuation and grammer ... what they really want to know about is the humdrum mundane stuff that makes up the minutia of your life. Get a cat and post pictures with canned captions like “Saltwater fish? But I’m cutting back on my sodium!”

I also happen to be a big fan of Twitter. I’ve mastered it. In the “What I am doing now” box, I put “Typing” about 6,005,004 times until I learned that I could cut and paste stuff with hotkeys. Now I can put “Cutting and Pasting ‘Typing’ With Hotkeys” 10 times faster than I ever could type “Typing”.

# 4: Use the Technology. Speaking of Twitter, get lots and lots of poppup windows and modules. I can't say enough about modules. The more modules you have, the greater likelihood at least one of them will be totally crashed and produce a ‘broken link’. Broken links are like a Google aphrodisiac. Also, broken links add to the lag time of loading your page thusly keeping your readers stuck there longer.

# 9: Be Flashy, Get Noticed. Use impossibly attractive photography and indirectly imply that it’s you. Then doctor them up with cool glittery effects circa MySpace.

Nothing impresses readers like glittery pics. And cats like it.

# 4: Make Sure Your Site Blasts Music Upon Arrival. Even if people like the song, there’s a pretty decent chance they aren’t currently listening to it. And if they are listening to it, you might have created a nifty echo effect that will endear your reader forever.

Some people are already listening to music while they are browsing. Screw them: your musical tastes are clearly superior and it’s high time they knew it! I mean if their music was so great, they would be listening to it instead of surfing blogs, right?

Also helpful is to make the ‘pause’ button on your music difficult to find. Nothing triggers a frantic search on your blog like a cubicle in a sea of cubicles suddenly blaring your 80’s crap. They might notice something they otherwise would have missed!

# 10: Know Thine Enemy. Below is a collection of links to blogging heavyweights who have offered up some of their "helpful" tips and techniques. These blogs should be avoided at all costs: They are only pretending to provide useful information in hopes that you will remain in dismal obscurity. You should stay here at Predator Press where we only have your best interests and success at heart.


Brent Diggs: The Secret to Writing Humor

Blog Like SinisterDan! Or Else!

Diesel: How to Write a Funny Rambling Style Post

Diesel: Me and My Big Head

Diesel: Close to Ten Tips on How to Write a Funny Blog Post
(yeesh. Alright Mister #1 Diesel. We get it already!)


And there you go: LOBO's 10 tips for successful blogging.

I may add some more links here and there, but you get the picture.

Now go!

Blog!

(Thank you Rickey for appearing on LIVE LOBO SATURDAY!!)

Russia Invades Georgia!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

After being without electricity for nine hours, imagine my surprise to find out Russia has boldly moved into Georgia with tanks and militia!

While I will most certainly miss the World's Largest Peanut Monument and the Replica of the Statue of Liberty, you have to tip your hat to the tactical brilliance of the Ruskies here: they have put themselves in a good position to strike at Alabama and South Carolina, and effectively cutoff Florida and Key West altogether.

I would like to be the first to express a whole-hearted welcome to our Soviet conquerors, and how much I always liked those big fuzzy hats. And who is really going to miss Georgia anyway? I mean they put a peach on their commemorative quarter for god’s sake! There can’t be much going on down there.

As Chancellor of LOBOnia -a tiny territory consisting of a mobile 10' circle around myself- I assure you the diplomatic relationship with the capitalist pig-dogs is cordial but very loosely maintained. And Predator Press -in keeping with our long-standing tradition of being one of the most progressive independent publications on the internet- is all about embracing change whenever completely necessary.

In honor of our glorious and valiant new comrades, tomorrow at noon Predator Press will be conducting the first “LIVE LOBO” completely in Russian.

The topic shall be, “So How Cool is that Kremlin?”

The Power of Cripes Compels You

Predator Press

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"Sir," says Natalie, scowling into her computer screen. "This is the sixteenth time you've called."

"I'm hoping for an update."

"Nothing has changed in the last eight minutes."

"A lot can happen in eight minutes. I can make eight completely different batches of rice in eight minutes."

"I understand that sir-"

"Miss, I don't think you do understand. I have no electricity, and millions and millions of readers are waiting anxiously for me to post today. Do you want to be responsible for what could happen if I don't?"

Natalie leans back in her chair exasperated. "Sir, there were three confirmed tornado touchdowns in your area."

[audible sigh] "Of the thousands of electric company customer service representatives, how do I happen to get the one that isn't a Predator Press reader? I debunked tornados weeks ago!"

"Sir-"

"Maybe next you can tell me the story of how Bigfoot and the Tooth Fairy are to blame!"

"We've got 200,000 other people out of power as well," she says twirling the phone cord in her fingers absently. "And you are accounting for half our phone traffic."

"Well this is important. In my absence, who will protect my readers from internet marketers, Forex associates, alien invaders, SEO optimization, shark attacks, Olestra, scams from Nauru, mad cow disease, zombie uprisings and tofu? Who?"

"Brent Diggs maybe?"

"Hiatus."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Is it because his power got shut off? I can switch the grid and have him back up in five minutes."

"I knew it! How come you can't do that for me?"

"Sir, your problems are far more serious."

"It's sweltering hot in here, and my refrigerator doesn't work," I add. "And what the hell am I supposed to do with all this rice?"

She plucks at the keyboard. "Our technicians are working around the clock to restore your power. The current esimated time of repair is ..."

"Yes?"

"Huh," says Natalie, leaning into her screen. "That's strange. I'm showing your power was only out for twenty minutes."

"Twenty minutes? It's been nine hours."

"Did you flip your breaker switch?"

"Yes. I tried that right when it went out."

"Did you flip it back?"

"Of course I did."

Over the phone there's an audible click, followed by the sounds of a blaring stereo, three televisions on different stations, an air conditioner, two blenders and a microwave.

"Is there anything else I can do for you today sir?"

"Do you know how iPods work?"

Rental Hygiene

Predator Press

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There’s been a lot of controversy surrounding the use of cellphones while driving recently.

Now I get that, but I’m also very laid-back about it personally. If you can multi-task while driving, that’s great. I suppose I trust you. Ethan, for instance, uses an electric shaver on his way to work.

I, for one, “self-police” in this regard: I can barely drive when that’s all I’m doing; if the phone rings while I’m driving, I’ll let it go to voicemail and return the call later.

But this morning in traffic, I saw a woman flossing.

To me, handling any two-handed activity while simultaneously driving with your elbows is impressive.

But flossing?

How can you see with big chunks of food obscuring your windshield?

Predator Press Reviews The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Predator Press

[LOBO]


From the moment lights dim, suddenly the action begins.

First Jet Li does some stuff, and then Brendan Fraser does some stuff.

But the stuff that Brendan Fraser does really pisses off Jet Li, and then they start karate-chopping each other.

Predator Press gives The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor sixty-nine thumbs up: between the explosions, swords clanging, audience gasping and the thunderous soundtrack, I don't think I got eight consecutive minutes of sleep during that whole two hours.