Dow Rebounds 300, Clinches Position in Finals

Predator Press

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"That's right Nasdaq!" says Michael Jordan after his fortuitous appointment as Chairman and Point Guard for Dow Jones earlier today. "We'll be seeing you in May."

Sausage Company Threatens Predator Press

Predator Press

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"Dear LOBO" says the stupid letter. It has come to our attention that in your last post, you were brazenly beating meat. Meat is a sensitive industry nowadays, and having read back through your blog, we've realized you've really done nothing but dissuade people from sausage altogether.

Our products are wholesome and good. We like to think of people going to the grocery store and coming home to have a big, fat, juicy kielbasa. How are we to cope with the possibility of one day having those rather 'embarrassing' jpegs featured on the Jumbotron in Times Square? My god man, you beat that thing so hard, we think you should finally have just strangled it out of mercy!

Your wanton and excessive savage public meat beating has single-handedly cost our entire industry millions. And as President of the company, I would like to remind you that abusing your kielbasa in front of everyone sets a poor example; we are very close to dropping our endorsement deal with Predator Press altogether. This means we will no longer be funding your Vision Plan, or your discounted frames at LensCrafters.

Please refrain from further molesting your sausage on Predator Press; ultimately, you and your entire company could go blind.

Your staff is counting on you.

God Save the Queen

Predator Press

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"So how'd you do it?" asks Ethan.

"Piss off the arsonist lesbians?" I says, flipping a hamburger on the grill.

"The who?"

"You haven't been reading either?"

"No."

"Then how did I do what?"

Ethan tears one of my elegant Excel spreadsheets out of the grill printer. "It says Predator Press Male Enhancement Herbal Supplements are up 400%."

My grill rings, and I press the 'speakerphone' button.

"You have reached 1-800-B-I-G-P-R-I-X, may I help you?"

"Hi," says the caller timidly. "I was just wondering how much effect your, ah, 'herbal supplements' have."

Thinking quickly, I grab a 14" curvy kielbasa and slap it loudly on the cutting board. "Hear that buddy?"

"Yeah," says the caller.

"I ain't hadda wash dishes or vacuum for fifteen years."

Chinese Toy Manufacturer Found Dead

Predator Press

Zhang Shuhong, co-owner and toy magnate of Lee Der Industrial Company, was found dead in a warehouse today.

Shuhong, a pioneer of bargain-basement toy manufacturing, has left an indellible mark on generations of children worldwide with favorites such as Big Birds Flu Clinic, High-Voltage Bath Elmo, and the ever-popular Barbie Ford Pinto.

While the official cause of death is pending the autopsy, Chinese authorities have flatly refuted claims that it had anything to do with the Molotov Pinata, which is scheduled for release this Christmas.

If You Teach a Man to Fish, He'll Want Chicken

Predator Press

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In a world full of diabolical bridges, sinister coal mines, arsonist lesbians, terrorist plots and rabid raccoons, I've decided to stay home today in my footie pajamas and watch way, way, way too much news.

This is how I found this story on the bulletpoof backpack.

Oh come on; today's youth is already so totally spoiled. I mean, what's the point of even going to school anymore?

Think back for a second: I remember only wedgies, stolen lunch money, bitter old totalitarian tyrant regimes, imaginary trains with impossible head-splitting scheduling issues, and, yes, the occasional character-building sucking chest wound. Shit, you needed four landmines and a bazooka just to get into 'Homeroom' --yet another seemingly pointless exercise conducted in an overcrowded lead-painted asbestos cube.

It is exactly these senseless disciplines and routines that are the experiences universal to us all, and essential to the organized sublimation of will, humanity and thought.

But nowadays, kids got cellphones, iPods, seatbelts, body armor, and inoculations. Inoculations, people! I ask you: without a profound fear of being randomly stricken by Polio or Diphtheria, how can you possibly expect to shape and mold the minds of tomorrow's great leaders?

Hm?

Angered Lesbians Burn Down Predator Press HQ

Predator Press

Demonstrators from 'Torch Un-Repentant Tabloids mentioning Lesbian Endeavors' [TURTLE] cheer as the Minneapolis branch of Predator Press burns to rubble.

“I don’t understand,” says a Predator Press Public Relations Specialist and CEO that wishes to remain anonymous named LOBO. “I’m a long-time supporter of lesbians. In fact, I love lesbians. I got stacks and stacks of Penthouse at home ... ”

Becky Chris: We Get It, Chill Out

Predator Press

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Becky Chris,

Many of us are painfully too aware of your lifestyle and thinly-veiled hostility to half of the human race. I strongly suspect this is closely linked to rather abrupt SPAM, outlining unsolicited details about your sexual appetites while oddly complaining about how much SPAM you get.

I'm sure there isn't a male blogger alive that isn't already 100% absolutely convinced that you would delight in freezing us with liquid nitrogen to slowly chip pieces off while dancing to Melissa Etheridge CDs ankle-deep in bloody slush, squishing your toes in the testosterone goo.

We love you too, but we love you less in the "stab-you-in-the-penis" way, and more in the "Just a girl that needs a good eight hours of sleep" way.

Take a deep breath.

... Count to ten ...